OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Gay, Trauma Reenactment, Sex Addiction???

aly_girl · August 23, 2023 8:00 am

Tough story to tell, but here goes.....

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. We have 2 beautiful young daughters and a marriage that most would envy. He loves me, and we make a great team in life and in business. In January, I found a few things - dick pic, texting and meeting up with a man I didn't know, lube in his gym bag - that when you added them up, seemed awfully suspicious/weird. Fast-forward to more sleuthing, confrontation, couples therapy, and lots of discovery conversations....he's been having hookups with other married men for 14 years and before that too.

Things came to a crescendo 2 weeks ago when I discovered that he had a hookup on a business trip - men's massage parlor and an escort. It was pre-meditated - he brought some anal sex toys with him on the trip (that he's never even shown to me, much less used with me). So, I decide I'm heading down the divorce path.

I love this man, I love the life we have. I do not want a "war of the roses" parenting relationship and I do not want to be a bitter & angry old lady. So, I aim to hold on to our friendship, respect for each other, and to put our daughters first. And I vow to myself that I will support him in this journey with kindness and curiosity.

Once the whole truth was finally out, he has shed a ton of tears, finally opened up to his therapist, sought out counseling with gay/late in life/married men support groups.

He's a big tough guy - a competitive weightlifter, loves cars & sports, lots of both male & female friends, not homophobic but has no gay friends. And I think he would be willing to come out but he's really questioning whether the shoe fits. There are some signs - I mostly initiate sex, he's very vain & does a lot of 'landscaping', mostly dry kisses - and of course, he keeps 'acting out' as he calls it. He's been to a few of these support groups and can't relate to them or their stories. He's taken the Dr. Joe Kurt "gay test" and gets 0/4. He's read books, watched videos and met with a few therapists that specialize in LBGTQ and he doesn't feel like it's him or that he can relate.

He's had massive trauma in his life.....sexually abused by his grandfather as a kid, abusive & alcoholic father, deserted as a kid (parents were young and always working), 6 months after getting married his first wife had kidney failure so they spent their 15 years of marriage doing dialysis and hospital trips, failed surrogacy attempts to have children with her, and then last year his mom dropped dead in front of us (we did CPR and couldn't revive her). It's A LOT.

His therapist - a trauma specialist - has a working theory that this is all related to his Trauma and lack of coping skills - but he hasn't ruled out gay yet either. He's never had an emotional relationship or any relationship with the men - it's purely sexual. Claims only blow jobs and hand jobs but..... who knows. He does it to "feel validated / better about himself / wanted" but then immediately feels repulsed afterwards.

He doesn't want to blow up his life if he's not gay and he's incredibly confused. Has anyone else been down this path? I've read mixed literature on whether trauma reenactment or sex addiction are real or whether this is just a delay tactic from simply being gay.

lily · August 23, 2023 3:11 pm

If it's only blow jobs and hand jobs what are the anal sex toys for?

Is he dominant or submissive? - might help sort a few things out to think through that.

It's a huge shock isn't it. Sorry to say this but it sounds to me like he has had what he wants all along and it is only your discovery of his sex life that has blown things up from his perspective.

I do not believe in the trauma specialist's working theory. I think the bit you can ink in is sexual orientation - gay - it is men he wants to have sex with it is men he seeks validation from. And the next bit - how honest he is being with you - will unfold.

I am wondering if it is possible to talk with his first wife - that might answer a few questions for both her and you if it is possible.

Blue Bear · August 23, 2023 6:32 pm

aly_girl wrote:
He doesn't want to blow up his life if he's not gay and he's incredibly confused.

So...he's gay. There's no "incredible confusion" here. Here's a list of your husband's behaviors, none of which is on any list of Straight Guy Behaviors:

1. Dick pics
2. Texting and meeting up with a man you don't know
3. Lube in the gym bag
4. Hooking up with guys for over 15 years
5. Men's massage parlors, male hookups, and anal toys during business trips
6. Hand jobs and blow jobs with men to feel "validated"
7. He doesn't initiate sex with his wife

He's questioning "whether the shoe fits"? Seriously?

The only question is whether you want to be married to a gay man. I hear you on the concerns about the kids, but it's far better for the kids to be from a broken home than to remain in one. I imagine there are a lot of other issues between the two of you, and trust me, life is so much better on the other side of being a straight person married to an LGBT+ person.

The other thing I will add is that you should not excuse his infidelity because he's gay. My guess is that there was an exclusivity expectation when you got married that you assumed was mutual, and he's shattered that, too. You don't deserve to go through this as part of his "journey".

I'm sorry you are here; good luck. Keep posting.

Last edited by Blue Bear (August 23, 2023 6:34 pm)

Ellexoh_nz · August 23, 2023 6:36 pm

While you want to stay friendly, supportive and kind.....don't let your own life fade into the background. In my view it is more important that you are at the top of your game, not his

I would bet my new free life that your husband is not sitting in any of the therapy sessions he goes to and talking about how supportive he is of you because in my (admittedly not much) experience and reading of lgbtq therapists they are there to affirm the lgbtq side of your husband.

Elle

Anon2222 · August 23, 2023 6:55 pm

Sometimes there's a part of me that wonders what it would be like to go back to when I was blissfully ignorant and had no idea about the shit show that was about to steam roller my life.

Sadly, you are at the beginning of the process. And you have some massive red flags. You state that he loves you, and yet has cheated on you for your entire marriage. He was also hooking up with men prior to marrying you, why did he not share this information with you? Shouldn't you have been made aware of this, prior to marriage, so that you could decide if this was a deal breaker for you?

He has also not told you anything. You found out information/that he was cheating. Then he has reluctantly told about it. It doesn't look like he has any respect for you.

Looking at the posts here (and going through this hell for around 4 years now)....I can say that the majority of the straight spouses here go out of their way to support their gay spouse. They are open, honest, treat them with respect and dignity.....meanwhile the gay spouse treats them like a doormat.

Question for you....if you found out that he had been cheating on you with another woman before and during your entire marriage, would you be supportive in his journey of discovery? Would you feel as though he had respected you? That you were a good team? That he loved and cared about you?

There are people out there that may be ok with this. Some people are fine with open marriages and everything else. So, if this is you, then it works. But don't let him minimize what he has done to you. And know that you do deserve a whole lot better, unless all of this was done with your knowledge and consent. I pushed all of my feelings and emotions down for several years. I gave unending support. I went to great lengths along the way. It was not worth it. In the end he even blames me for trapping him in a 20 year marriage and ruining his life.

Food for thought: My lawyer told me flat out today that I am being way too supportive and caring to someone who doesn't deserve it (and is not doing the same thing in return). Here he is treating my like trash and crapping on me....and here I am trying to make sure he's ok, is financially stable, taken care of. It's a stark realization to realize the love of your life and the person you spent your entire life with would just stand there and watch you burn.

Blackie563 · August 23, 2023 6:56 pm

Sorry to read this Aly. I have to agree though. Pretty sure he is gay, but that, at least in my view is not the point. The point is you believe you have a wonderful life with someone.....that has been lying to your face every single moment of every single day for 14 years. I learned the hard way, 24 years in, to pay NO attention to words, only actions. They tell you everything you need to know.

I suspect this is painful to read. I am not saying you need to abandon him completely. However, I tried to stay friends with my lesbian ex wife, but quickly found she loved it, because it enabled her to continue using me, while she continued to provide nothing to the relationship. I read my first post here, posted about a year ago. Nearly identical to yours, not the story, but my feelings and thoughts about "my great relationship" with my then wife.

A year later? I no longer suffer any anxiety. I am down 35 lbs, mentally and physically healthier than I have ever been, my career is soaring now and I am in a committed healthy relationship. You don't have to set yourself on fire to save him, he is a grown man, thats his job.

I wish you the best. I know how hard this is, but you can and will make it. Day at a time. Decide for yourself, at your own speed. Be well

aly_girl · August 24, 2023 7:33 am

Wow, thank you for sharing your thoughts & experiences. I think I keep clinging to hope that this is fixable and not the atomic bomb to my life as I know it, and my kids know it.

Unfortunately his first wife died which is a pity because I would love to talk to her. Apparently she knew about his escapades when they were together.

I'm curious what answering the submissive vs. dominant would mean...? My understanding is that he is on the receiving end which would track with how he mostly behaves in our bedroom too.

I hate to think this is just the beginning since I'm already 9 months in. The rollercoaster is real, and I vacillate between sorrow, anger, forgiveness, compassion....grief.....in the same day and sometimes the same hour. I am going to pay attention to (and write down) the actions vs. words - good advice. May also prevent me from hearing what I want to hear vs. what's really going on here.

I am still curious if anyone here has had a legitimate experience with trauma reenactment or sex addiction. (Per my first post, I am en route to divorce because the trust is so broken but I am admittedly a high fact-finder and I'm seeking to understand more)

Singlemom · August 24, 2023 8:08 am

I am in a facebook support group called “Betrayal Trauma Support” as I was married and divorced from a sex/porn addict and then had a relationship last year with a man who had a hidden porn addiction. I am trying to learn all about it so I don’t end up with another man with this problem, as it is often hidden! In this support group, many of the women say that their husbands have a problem with escalation to gay porn as a result of re-enactment of childhood molestation and/or just escalation of the porn addiction as vanilla sex doesn’t do it for them anymore due to the need for different/novel sex, in order to give them that new dopamine high. So that they are not really gay, but escalated to it because of the addiction, just like an alcoholic or drug addict needling more and more to get high.

lily · August 24, 2023 5:06 pm

Gay In Denial - it's a thing. It is hard to wrap your head round it. It is hard to imagine.

But once you do realise how much people lie about being gay then the idea that they are porn addicted and this causes them to escalate to gay porn makes as much sense as it does - they are gay.

Just for a minute here let's spare a thought for the poor gay men who get to feel like rapists as the 'revolted' one goes back to his closet.

Being submissive, just guessing, but from reading the stories here as well as my own experience, submissive gay is more common than dominant gay in MOMs - I know my ex decided to marry me even though he had a perfectly nice boyfriend already (not that I knew about it then) not because he wanted children or wanted to 'fit into' society but because he didn't want to be the submissive one, he preferred to live with a girlfriend at home where it is easy for him to successfully compete to be the dominant hen and rule the roost. The trouble is, of course, from his perspective he is not getting the sex he needs at all - boring, the wrong body, the wrong emotional body in every way.

My ex was quite comfortable living with me, I was like a comfy cushion for him to sit on, but I just got squashed.

Was it your husband who told you his first wife knew? If so, is it possible he is saying that in an attempt to regularise / minimise his 'escapades'?

Last edited by lily (August 24, 2023 5:08 pm)

Diff I guess · August 26, 2023 10:14 pm

Here is a gay point of view that might be helpful. Having homosexual attraction, acting on homosexual attraction and being willing to label oneself as gay are three different things as well as having romantic feelings about a man to make a fourth. This is a journey that he is going to have to do alone. There isn’t much you can do to support it and he might not ever get to the point where he accepts himself as gay. I think he is slowly going down the road towards the G word but that is going to take time perhaps a lot of it.

As for him relating to LGBQ, I think the abuse would have something to do with it. For a guy who never been abused the gay feelings would go from confusing to scary and unwanted until something happens to make you embrace that part of yourself. I cannot imagine what it is like or how triggering it could be to be attracted to something associated with some unpleasant memories. Sadly, I think that abuse among boys is probably pretty common and said abuse might make it harder to deal with it.

I think his first wife having such problems might have been very stressful. I don’t think it would have been traumatic enough for him to chase guys. The guy has just had a very tough life.

“He's never had an emotional relationship or any relationship with the men - it's purely sexual. Claims only blow jobs and hand jobs but..... who knows. He does it to "feel validated / better about himself / wanted" but then immediately feels repulsed afterwards.”

Gay guys like being wanted (or being found sexually attractive) by other men and when lust is in full bloom it kind of overrides any objections you might have to performing it with a guy. It is not surprising that he feels repulsed afterward. When the hormones cool off how you feel about it could be rather different than when it started.

Also from my own experience is that you can certainly just want to have sex with a guy and not have romantic feelings about him. It kind of takes the right conditions for romantic feelings to sprout and men's massage parlors and escorts on business trips are far from the right conditions for it to happen. The situatuion of other married guys looking for sex is only mildly better conditions for romantic feelings to sprout.

He thinks that being gay equals blowing up his life. My own experience with it that being gay isn’t something separate from you but a part of you regardless of what you think about or do about it. I think he knows he is gay but just does not want to be. Common among gay guys.

“I'm curious what answering the submissive vs. dominant would mean...? My understanding is that he is on the receiving end which would track with how he mostly behaves in our bedroom too. “

I wouldn’t read into this much. Some guys are tops, some are bottoms, some don’t do anal at all (not applicable to your guy…anal toys) and some are versitle. What makes a gay guy gay is that they want to have sex with men. This wanting is what is driving his seeking.

As for escalating from straight porn to gay porn, I think something else may be going on. Gay men can like M/F porn, but the problem is that female is the star of straight porn not the guy. With Gay porn it is two guys either or both of which you can find attractive. Some gay men prefer straight porn, but most find M/M more attractive. It is more F/F porn that gay men have little interest in. The reason why guys want more porn is because the seeing the same old thing over and over again gets boring.

Addition to alcohol and drugs is a bit different. The person actually needs the drugs to feel normal or function and while they may tolerance the need to feel normal can drive addiction just as much as the need to get high. It isn’t that I don’t think that there are not sex addicts, but I think this is a convent excuse for gay or at least being a gay sex addict. I just can’t imagine needing more and more porn to somehow get high or needing more and more sex. My view is that if they like straight porn why does it not stick with and escalate with that?

Last edited by Diff I guess (August 26, 2023 10:19 pm)

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August 23, 2023 8:00 am #1

Gay, Trauma Reenactment, Sex Addiction???

August 23, 2023 3:11 pm #2

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August 23, 2023 6:32 pm #3

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aly_girl wrote:

August 23, 2023 6:36 pm #4

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