Hi Danielle, and welcome!

I thought I could maybe be in an open marriage, but realized after some reflection that no, it is just not who I am. It would have been much easier to stay together, but I would have been sacrificing something of myself, and I wasn't able to do that. 

I think that open marriages can work for some people, and that's great if it does. But it's a really individual choice.

It's good you're getting help from therapists. This truly has nothing to do with you, and you not being "enough for him". 

Good luck with the decision you will have to make moving forward. You're allowed to make the decision that works best for you.

Anon 765

My husband suggested a threesome when he came out to me a few months ago and I thought he had lost his mind.   I'm still hurt that he would suggest it.  He would like an open marriage but has told me that he will be monogamous since that's what I want.  I don't know whether to trust him since he has cheated on me in the past.  Our sex life has improved as well since we're communicating about what we both want now, and because I'm trying to keep him happy so that he won't seek extramarital sex.   I would not be able to accept an open marriage. I told him that if he feels that he needs to have sex with a man to tell me first so that we can part as friends.   I told him that I would be supportive and try to help him on his journey.   

Last edited by M-Kate (August 15, 2023 1:48 pm)

I think Kate is hoping that he will tell her before sleeping with a man so she can divorce him amicably.  

So sorry Kate.  But when he has already opened the topic of a threesome, I think it more likely he is already having sex with men than that he isn't and will tell you when he does.

 

Hi M-Kate

I think your stance: " I would not be able to accept an open marriage. I told him that if he feels that he needs to have sex with a man to tell me first so that we can part as friends. I told him that I would be supportive and try to help him on his journey."

...is totally right! It sets your boundary clearly and it's in no way aggressive or condescending towards your husband. 

As I understand he's out just a few months ago, so his thinking is still very much centered arround himself. What he feels, what he thinks etc. 
Actually, you (and what you feel) is somewhere in the background of his thoughts. Which for you is of course way out of line, he should be considering your feelings first, or at least second or third. But this is not what you see, and not what is happening.

You're totally right in your expectations, but alas that's not how it works. Nevertheless, this doesn't mean you must adjust and give in to this. 
I understand our culture presses upon us to embrace the woke like thinking, and what supposedly is the right reponse... Be very understanding, give in to the line of thought that sexual urges and needs are by far the most important things in life. If you stand in the way, you are considered criminal and hurting your spouse. For only when he's living out his sexuality he can be "truly authentic".

Yeah sure, you can follow that, or... call it BS! For it's simply plain nonsense!

If your husband also buys into that thinking, you have an extra problem in marriage. But it's not because you are wrong in your expectations of marriage. It's because he allowed himself to be dragged allong in his desires and well... lust.
Sex is an important and powerful thing in men, so if a man allows himself to get caught up in sexual feelings, it's not that easy to let it go.

What you write, I think you're doing good things in a pragmatic way. Next to that you set clear and healthy boundaries. 
Now your husband has to learn some wisdom. I get the impression he's not acting as an adult. Like he still has to learn what life, love and marriage is about. What his wife feels and what her emotions and inner feelings are, seem not to be on his radar. Which is odd, given you're married for several years. So seemingly his personal and emotional growth has come to a standstill quite some time ago.

There can be several reasons for this, and it's on him to work on it (and find help for this). I hope he will understand this and takes on responsibility for his life. Not an easy thing, but the right thing to do. (for you, but for himself too). 

It's not in your power what he decides. It could (and should) only be his own choice made from his free will. Only then it can lead somewhere that is  meaningful. 
So that's why your current stance is very good, you draw a clear line where your (healthy) boundaries are. He has to decide for himself. Hopefully not to just keep to those boundaries as a necessity (or else...), but see it as an opportunity to finaly work on himself. Getting to grips with his homosexual feelings and desires, accepting that is a part of him. But... just a part, there's more to life as he surely understands.
Questioning himself what "being authentic" really and actually is. Becoming an adult responsible man in a marriage with the woman he loves.
Well, this is his potential choice, it's up to him of course. Be wary of just promisses and good intentions, I'm sure he wishes to be a better husband, but it has to be a very-very real conviction in himself! And you probably want nothing more than to believe his good intentions, for if he did that, that would be a great outcome. But you have to be sure it's the real thing. Don't allow yourself to be fooled. 
The process of handling this is complicated and has to go the bottom of a persons soul. So both have to be prepared for a hard time ahead, don't believe in easy ways out or promisses made from wishful thinking.

Male sexuality can be such a good thing, a positive force in marriage. But only if it is in service of love for his wife. Only then it's meaningfull and contributes to a man's selfrespect. He won't find it anywhere else, moreover it will only undermine his selfrespect. But he has to understand this himself, in his mind and heart.

If he doesn't you shouldn't become a victim of his stupidity.

Dutchman.