thefuture,

Welcome.

They love us but they hurt us..   Its not something you or I could do.   Such is the plight of the straight spouse.

" She says she doesn’t want to date but thinks she will inevitably need to do so to experience a higher combination of emotional and physical attraction..."

So she is basicall saying you are not enough and she will have to be unfaithful to you..  Like she is saying  and forewarning you that she will have to cheat or break her weddng vows.  Like she is asking for your permission to do so... as if you want to control what she does..     

We should not have to control our spouses... we should be enough..we should be more than enough.    It really goes beyond the gay and shows what kind of person they are.   

Do not think you did anything wrong or you have to support her (join her in hurting you).   Our spouses should be fiercely loyal and faithful...    If they do not want the marriage they really should just walk away... the problem we straight spouses find is they want all the benefits of the other marriage but dont want us.    I truly believe in my bones they are either for us or against us...they cannot be both.   


Wishing you courage and self love.
 

How did you all survive “the process”? My wife hasn’t cheated on me or divorced me yet. We are living together. She hasn’t had her first therapy session yet though we have done couples therapy. I’m losing my mind with impatience and worry. She still telling me she loves me and is happy but that she feels she would be more attracted to women. I’m struggling living in this situation and don’t know how to change it.

Last edited by thefuture (August 3, 2023 3:52 pm)

Thank you anon42. Yes I read the first aid kit. I’m taking it a day at a time. I agree that what she says is incredibly troubling. It’s just that it came out of nowhere for me and she herself says that she didn’t feel this way until a few weeks ago. ( She realized she’s gay+me like 4 months ago, but there’s been a sudden reversal). Writing all this out all I can think is she’s been soft pedaling this for me.

Hope you’re doing okay today.

Anon42. I feel you on both points. I totally agree that she’s sucked into the “be your true self” while not actually examining whether it’s who she is.

lily wrote:

sexual orientation is just a basic thing - it's visceral.  

 

I would start by admitting that I don’t know anything for sure at this point.

We always had great chemistry. That has been consistent though I would say it feels different recently! Still, it’s hard to accept that her orientation was gay all these years. She literally claims that the attraction changed 2 weeks ago.

It’s possible that she knew she was gay the whole time (which she doesn’t admit) or that she’s swept up in fantasies because she’s never experienced it for real.