OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- TeeWee
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I should have listened to all of you
Back in the spring I reached out for support. Many of you were right when you said my husband wasn’t being truthful. I believed my husband when he said he wanted to live his life honestly. In the beginning I was his biggest cheerleader. I had faith that our little family would still be a family, but we’d just look different. He told our 21 year old daughter that he loved us more than anything in this world and that now he feels he will be a better father. We have begun the mediation process. He assured me he had not had any affairs. I kept inquiring about this and he repeated over and over that he had not. I could not understand how he could enter this unknown world without having any sexual experiences. One day he finally admitted to a few gay drunken encounters in college, and brushed it off as no big deal (He is 55). Then, a few weeks ago my life took a wicked turn. He was visiting San Francisco ( how ironic), and I was looking through his computer for our divorce documents because our initial meeting was the day after he returned. Well, I discovered some health documents from his doctor. He was switching to a doctor who specializes in working with LGBQ patients. These health documents indicated that he has had syphilis, multiple STD’s & an HIV scare. The paperwork also indicated that he had a sexual encounter just 2 weeks prior!
I texted him and told him to not come home when his flight arrives. Things got so ugly when I saw him face to face and I said some horrible things. I ended up in the ER and my blood pressure was high. I had a horrible breakdown. I’m now on multiple medications and continuing therapy weekly. I take Xanax whenever I know I’ll see him. This Thursday we have our 1st (4 hour) mediation meeting. I really liked our mediator when we had our initial meeting, but now I wonder if I should get my own attorney. I’ve been tested for STD’s even though we haven’t had sex in 10 years…because he said he couldn’t get an erection….another lie. I guess what sickens me is that I believed him. I didn’t believe all of you…I thought your situations were so very different from mine. Now, I look back and I see a million signs. I am crushed…..
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I should have listened to all of you
Welcome back Teewee 🤗
That's really sad to hear, but you can go forward now you know the truth.
Good job finding the evidence. Um..did you make copies of it?
And as for the mediator...if you're not comfortable with this one...yes get your own.
Can I ask how your child/ren are taking this?
And do you have friends and family you can confide in and who will support you through this?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Blackie563
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Re: I should have listened to all of you
Hey - do not beat yourself up. I had 1 million+ red flags over 24 years and ignored every single one of them. My ex wife sounds a lot like your husband, full of lies. I was, in the beginning very supportive and happy to help. I too, was repaid with lies, gaslighting, more lies and now financial abuse. (Had to take her to court and its going to cost even more) Mediation was a joke, because we agreed to terms on 3 separate occasions. She never adhered to the agreement, so I had to serve her.
I am not saying mediation wont or cant work, but would highly recommend you get your own lawyer immediately. There is no reason for someone who can only tell lies to negotiate in good faith...
Lastly, I needed a lot of xanax in the beginning. Now, not even a full year later? I went low contact (kids) and I not only do not need xanax, for the first time in my adult life, I know what life is without anxiety. I had my first panic attack 6 months after meeting her. (red flag). In the 6 months since eliminating her entirely? No panic attacks, no anxiety, nothing. I am like a fully functioning adult now in my mid 40's. Amazing right? You will heal! Go through this and feel it, its the path to healing. I'll put a good thought for you.
Stay well.
- Rob
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Re: I should have listened to all of you
TeeWee,
Do not beat yourself up. We gave true fierce love to our spouses and part of fierce nature was believing what they said to us.
It is horrifying and sad when you start digging and finding out how much they lied, how little they thought of us. BUT.. we have to live in reality..reality is knowing all there dirt and lies.
It is far better to live in real reality instead of their gay fantasy land where they think they control the universe..what we know and what we don't know.
My own opinion is no matter how my GX treated me and said she loved me..with her first lie whether it was keeping her horrible secret at 19 or lying about her affair at 40 something...with that first lie..it was not love..it was an abuse.
I didn't have Xanax but some other pill for shaking. ..but my GX had xanax..because I imagine it must have been really stressful to carry on an affair ..
I was able to go totally off any pills as soon as she was gone and we were separated..it was like a load of brick being lifted off my chest. Do what you need to do to get away from lies and abuse..I think you find you don't need any pills when you live in real reality.
Wishing courage strength and self love.
Last edited by Rob (July 17, 2023 2:57 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- walkbymyself
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Re: I should have listened to all of you
TeeWee, as everyone else said -- don't beat yourself up.
Your husband had to work long and hard to keep the deception going. Lying always seems easier before you start, than after you've been at it 24/7 for a decade or two. When you're tempted to blame yourself, stop and think about all the effort he had to put into keeping you in the dark.
Eventually, you get angry.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Rob
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Re: I should have listened to all of you
Walk,
Hope you're doing ok. So far all advise I had read on the board here was useful and came to pass so I try to give back to folks here as I'm doing well.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Abby
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Re: I should have listened to all of you
After he left and I got over the shock - and got good legal advice - I started feeling relief and thinking about what my future could be like. I smiled a lott and when people complimented me on my appearance and asked if I had lost weight I told them I had lost 150 lbs. That was my gym rat husband's weight.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- M-Kate
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Re: I should have listened to all of you
This is my greatest fear. My husband told me that he hooked up with a guy about 10 years ago and was planning to do so again a few months ago (but did not because he was blackmailed). He "came out" to me since he thought I'd find out anyway from the blackmailer. He claims that he hasn't had any other actual encounters, but I find it hard to believe. He finally admitted that he knew before we were married.
Last edited by M-Kate (July 29, 2023 2:48 pm)