OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- stuck1
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Are his choices negotiable?
My trans husband has recently started transitioning. In reality, he started taking over-the-counter supplements over 2 years ago; however, he was just referred to a "transition" doctor by his therapist and has begun taking prescription hormones. When he confessed to me that he had gone to see the doctor, had blood tests, obtained prescriptions, and they were in the house, he told me that he "wouldn't have to do this if I could just give him what he needs". (And yes, I have asked if he had listened to what he said and how crazy that sounds.) His needs are a constantly changing target - that is never communicated to me. I am supposed to be a mind reader!
We have been talking about divorce, the pros/cons of selling the home or one of us remaining in it. I have hired an attorney. I told him a long time ago that I would support his decisions, but not as his wife. I love this person but I am a straight woman and I'm not sure what he is (or even if he knows). His wants/needs/excitement are constantly changing. Cross dress/Porn/Drinking/Trans/Gay - it has been quite the ride. His drinking has sent our kids scattering in the house and no one likes him when he does that (which is almost every night).
He continually tells me that his choices and actions are negotiable. That if I could "give" him what he needs (sex/adoration/a fun time) that he would be happy with me. I feel like he has been constantly looking for the next thing that will make him feel good . . . when will anyone/anything be enough? So really, are his choices negotiable? (Yes, my "hopeium" balloon gets filled with hope regularly, bursts, and then I am back down again to reality. By the way, reality SUCKS.) My heart is broken, and my life is shattered.
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Are his choices negotiable?
No Stuck, they are not negotiable. These are things he needs now. They are things you can’t actually provide for him. In many way, the true tragedy is no one and nothing could give him what he needs. To actually be a woman. He may become a trans woman, a close approximation. A pastiche of what he desires to be. Constantly looking for validation from others for the woman he loves. Himself, herself, their self.
Don’t listen to the voices that tell you to remain and support them. They do not have to live with the advice they will readily give. Take them as far as you feel you need to, then take what you can from the rubble and live your own “authentic” life. If you feel you can do this with them at the centre of everything, then great for them. Never let the inclusivity police direct your thoughts and decisions. He is now going to change before your eyes. Physically and mentally. Being the wife of a trans woman is not something you wanted. Don’t let it be forced on you by anyone. I feel very strong care and empathy for you in your suffering.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.