I would never use a mediator. If you need to go back to court later they will make you go to mediation again. How reasonable and normal are these spouses of ours that they would negotiate in a fair fashion?

Last edited by Rob (July 6, 2023 6:24 am)

"Why he has to kick me on the way out the door. I'm not so sure I understand nor will I ever."

I feel this to my core. 20 years of marriage. I did absolutely everything in my power to support him and make the marriage work. I loved him so deeply, and hell, I still care way too much about him now. While the last few years he just lied to my face and already knew he was going to dump me. Then, he just abandons me for his new life....and yet continues to regularly sucker punch me in the face as we go through the separation and start into the divorce process. He won. This entire shit show, he has gotten everything he ever wanted, while ruining my entire life in the process. And yet, that's still not good enough apparently, as he can't even speak to me without somehow mocking me, hurting me, yelling at me, you name it. I wanted to do this amicably, hire a mediator, something. Instead he decided he was just going to figure out the entire divorce process online, himself, do all the paperwork and then all I would have to do is sign *eye roll*. Basically, just like the entire sham of a marriage, I was just supposed to have no involvement or say in my life. And just accept everyone around me doing things to me. I pushed for months to sit down and talk about it, and work out the details. He refused. So, I hired a lawyer and now I'll be paying for the divorce I never wanted for the rest of my life.

In the U.S. the child's preferences are taken into account by the court when the child is your son's age. If your son is in counseling the counselor's report on how he is taking this - his father's transition as well the the divorce - is important. Also, teenagers have their own lives so how will shuttling between homes affect their schooling and activities?

While a mediator may be helpful in helping a couple divide property, your son is at a critical stage in his life. Do you know what he wants or if he has been or is struggling academically and socially?  When the parents are not able to come up with a plan and the custody case is heading for a hearing, the Court sometimes  even appoints an attorney who will represent the child, meeting with the child, reviewing records and talking with teachers etc. to figure out what this child needs to prepare for adulthood.

 

I went that route, the mediator was awful. I should have abandoned the process much earlier than I did. She was an advocate for my gay ex wife, and actively negotiated on her behalf, a major no-no in mediation. It CAN save a ton of money. For me, it was an costly mistake, because we mediated to an agreement, then the wife said she "didnt understand" and we did it again. Repeated this 3 times, each time with me giving her even more, only for her to come back a fourth time and change the terms again. At that point, I have to serve her papers. I have spent a tremendous amount of money already and will lose much more before its all over. I can not tell you what to do, if you have someone who asks like an adult and can keep their word, go for it. My ex has the emotional maturity of an 8 year child, acts like a 13 year old and has numerous narcissistic tendencies. She doesnt want to let go of all I represent, so she continues dragging this thing out. 

Good luck. Stay strong. Do what you feel is best for the child. I asked for GAL to be assigned. (Guardian Ad litem) So far, she sucks too, and has done nothing. Hopefully that changes before this process ends. All the while, my kids are struggling.....love the US legal system. 

I did initially have a great relationship with my then wife after disclosure, despite the affair. That said, in my situation it got worse over time because she could not stop herself from lying, sneaking people into the house through the basement window and bringing people into the home when I was there and the kids. She also kept lying about everything else. Had that not occurred and she had just come out as gay, I honestly think this would have gone entirely different. That said, I've always known her to have an immature emotional intelligence, its lower than I every imagined, but in the end, none of this should have been a surprise for me. If you SO came out, told you everything, then thats a great start. 

Good luck!