Anon,


Yes..I liked being married also.  But then if I look back I'm horrified as to how I was treated..what I allowed.   I'd rather be alone than married to a person that didnt really love me.

To meet people I joined local meet-up groups on the internet.  They even have one called "WTF are we going to do" that is just a general meet-up.  You could also try dating again with a more narrowed description of who and what  you're looking for.  For myself I used a Christian dating site but that may not be everyone. 
No need for a serious relationship  it it gives you people to talk to.
I was sitting there one night and thought I like to talk to people so signed up.

Sometimes we need to be the lone wolf ..alone yes but just for now. 

A sincere e-hug.

Anon2222 wrote:

How do people deal with being lonely?

And I'm literally all alone. Day in and day out. I feel empty. I am trying so very hard to get used to being alone. To be content doing activities alone. To be happy with the life dumped on me....but....I'm not. I loved being married. I loved being monogamous. I even loved just having someone to shop for, pamper, find gifts and spoil. I miss emotional connection and sex. I just miss being in a relationship. And I still struggle with reconciling that it was just a sham. This has hurt me at a fundamental, cellular level and I just don't know how to rebuild.

This may come across as overtly philosophical, but  I'd ask you to hear me out. I have walked your path and no longer feel lonely. Why? Because this is the only time I have, said differently, the present is where I spend my time now, not in the past or in the future. I liked being married, for 23 years, but that is my past. Every moment I spend thinking of the past, I am unconscious in the present, hence the feeling of loneliness. If I stay in the present and focus only on what I am doing, then I will not feel alone or sad, because I enjoy the things I do. Now I am sure you are thinking "great, me too, but it's after those activities where I feel alone". My response would be the same, because you are not living in the present. You are used to a routine (being married, having someone to talk with) and you base your identity on that very foundation. If you never were married, how would you know you were missing anything by not being married? You would not, you'd have no comparison, and would not identify your identity with having someone to talk with/being married. 

Now all of that said, it is challenging to stay present. I've worked on it since Aug 7th of last year. My life, despite numerous challenges, one of which is court with my ex, who refused to signed papers and wants even more money, despite it, my life is exponentially better than the previous 23 years. If given the choice, to live as I am now, but would have to repeat the previous 23 years I would do it. Why? Because the peace, joy and happiness I have found within myself (and not in identifying with a group, a situation like marriage, or relationship) is priceless. Once you can achieve it, you'll work hard to maintain it. 

I hope this is helpful.  
 

Last edited by Blackie563 (June 24, 2023 12:05 pm)

I’m preparing for my life on my own now. My biggest fear is loneliness. My therapist told me about a podcast called SOLO The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life. I’ve found some episodes helpful. Reclaiming one’s life as a  solo is not easy. Good luck.

Anon2222 wrote:

How do people deal with being lonely?

I work, I've picked up hobbies, I've gone out on dates a few time, I've talked to friends, I have started exercising, redecorating the house, anything and everything. I have really pushed myself out of my comfort zone. But....I feel empty.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Anon2222!
I do feel lonely too (even though I'm still living together with my gay wife for now). Although we do have kids, so I don't have much time to be lonely.
Other than that, I would also suggest all the things you're already doing.

Anon2222 wrote:

All I want is to just be able to take a break.

Maybe try taking some short breaks? Something for yourself, like going to movies, spa or whatever makes you relax/gives you joy?

Elle - I wish I had that level of support, but I just don't. Which has made things extra hard. I know people who are happy to go out to a movie, grab a coffee, gab....but not someone who is willing to help me get out of bed after a surgery, help me make food and take care of the pets so I can sleep.

My parents are elderly and starting to need help themselves, and there's just me. I got injured at work (but don't have any coverage or benefits) and shoulder surgery may be on the table. At this point, I'm in denial about all of that as the recovery is 3 months and I just don't know how I would manage that. Because of the decisions made during the last few years of the marriage I am 60 km away from all the major stuff/city.

I was so sick last December that I had to crawl to the backdoor to let the dogs out because I was too weak to stand up. I am paying for as much help as I can afford (ie: mowing the grass, a cleaner coming in, dog walker) but it's bleeding me dry financially. But if I move, my mortgage (or rent if I went that route) will double and I can't really afford where I'm at already. Even moving to a condo would mean my monthly expenses would go wayyyyy up (thank you ridiculously inflated real estate market right now). I'm lucky at least that when we bought the place, prices were lower and interest rates were good. He also has zero desire to have anything to do with the house as he absolutely hates it. Unless I leave where I live entirely, it's just the reality of the market. But I just got my dream job and it's specialized enough that I couldn't just pick up and leave.

A couple months ago, my jaw broke. In the middle of the night. Woke up in extreme pain. Had that surgery, which you have to pay out of pocket for. And it needs several more surgeries over the coming months. Ironically, this isn't even the most random thing that has happened. It's just been a lot, trying to keep up with life. And facing hurdle after hurdle completely alone. And he is somewhat aware of things....and could care less.

Last week a large hunk of my car just separated from the car (it involved wheels, mildly traumatizing)....the repair shop said how lucky I was that this didn't happen on the highway (sigh). So, that was thousands in repair work....but cheaper than buying a new or used car right now because of inflation.

Honestly, I'm getting a bit of PTSD from this last year as I'm not sure what I did to the universe but it sure has been one hell of a year! I have really worked at remaining as optimistic as possible. And start to think about what I want, and what are my goals and dreams....but I could just use life cutting me a bit of slack here lol