I'm sorry this is happening, to you Mothersee!
I am fortunate to not have experienced issues like this with my spouse. However, from what I've read on the forum or heard on podcasts, unfortunately things like these usually progress into a worse direction (full blown transgender).
You have every right to be uncomfortable, worried and triggered. You have every right to set boundaries where you feel comfortable.
It may not be a popular opinion, but I would say that if your husband wants to cooperate, and you don't want a divorce, you may want to try and find a therapist who could help him with his issues. I am not sure if they are solvable, but I have hope that they are.
Though these days, if you're in US, it might be tricky to find a therapist who would not just "affirm his gender", but will offer real help.
Sorry that I don't have much else to offer than this.
 

Did you tell him he is hurting you?  That he keeps hurting you?

Hi Mothersee, My hubby is gender fluid and xdresses, too. Sometimes I wonder if gender fluid is harder to deal with than a person just making up their mind and being one or the other. 1st hubby came out as gay and we just got a divorce. Easy decision. Done. With a partner who is sometimes the person you married and sometimes this "other" person, it's terribly confusing and stressful. Who are you laying down with at night? Who are you at dinner with? Who is making (or trying to) make love to you? But then there's still the love for the person and you try hard to understand. You feel like a bad person for not loving the whole person in all their facets. But you married a man. A male gendered, male acting person. And now there's this female person, too and it almost feels like there are three people in the relationship. 
Just wanted you to know your feelings are more than valid. This is hard stuff.
Right now we are still married and have separate bedrooms though we watch tv together in the principal bedroom. He (he prefers he) gets upset when I ask "who is there right now?" because I want to snuggle but only with male him. Keeps trying to explain that he is one person who just sees the world as two genders. Well I tried. One morning when I was still sleeping in there I woke up and rolled over to find "her" when I was expecting him. Now I am no longer comfortable sleeping in there. 
Like yours, mine does not have any interest in transitioning. Over a year of therapy has make him very clear on that.
Hope you are hanging in there. This is not easy stuff.

Mothersee wrote:

Thank you for replying my spouse and I still have an intimate relationship. We don't sleep in separate beds. .....

Mothersee....nothing will change if you stay in an intimate r'ship.
It's another tie that binds you to the man who makes you feel
like you're "caught between feeling angry and very anxious", 
and both of those are very negative emotions which won't be 
helping you. At all.

Elle
 

Hi Mothersee and all,  my first time here and responding.  Appreciate all the shares.  It is interesting as first my husband, went to pansexual, then porn type expanded.  Then disclosed he had sexual relationship with a man.  Back to being in a heterosexual relationship.  After that started to wear feminine clothes.   Now in our relationship, and with help of therapist, it is a reason it is called a journey.  It is a life long journey and where a person is now, like your husband being clear on not wanting to fully transition, may be a short stop or detour or a full stop.   It is hard to say, yet it is a journey and you are on it too.   Have you asked yourself if you want to be on this journey or is there something else you want?  I found the more open and accepting I am to my husband the further he goes on his journey.   Longer hair,  Earrings.  Nails painted.  More clothes.  Make up.  He has been adamant he would never transition or go outside dressed as a woman yet all that is changing and moving forward.  My therapist asks me what I want as my husband is definitely on the journey to what he wants.  I am clear his journey is not my journey yet getting clear on what I want is challenging for me through this emotional muck.   Whatever you choose I pray it is what you want.