stuck1 wrote:

Hi Everyone,  I'm looking for some support/help/your experiences . . . 

About a month ago my husband obtained prescription hormones from a doctor that his LGBTQ therapist advised him to see.  I have made it clear to him, his current therapist (which was formerly our marriage therapist), that I will support him - but not as his wife.  So, he obtains these prescriptions and tells me that "he would not have to take these if I would just be able to "give" him what he needs".  (You can translate this as he wants be intimate with him.  I am no longer comfortable with this as I identify as a straight woman and do not find women attractive - which I have explained multiple times.)  So there's nothing fun going on at our house.  I then notice that he is acting weird (weirder than usual now) and realize that he is taking the medication.  He's taken a full month of hormones now . . . .and I want a divorce.  This is not for me.
1. Anyone else had the transition start?  Is this only the beginning?
2. Did he/she still blame you for his/her decisions?
3. Did the marriage make it?  I hear that some people make it . . . although I'm not sure how.
4. If you asked for a divorce, what did you say?  (I'm having trouble finding the words.  Which seems really odd to me.)

I hope that I do not offend anyone with this post.  It's just that I do not have anyone else to ask. 

Questions🤔

1) No, but I have been through it with trans widows in a support group. Yes, this is only just the beginning. It tends to get increasingly worse the more the transition kills the man and husband. Each stage of transition brings with it new triggers that remain an issue in the relationship as the transition continues. Most of these are the visible changes, with the change in voice having a very marked effect also. Most of the straight partners attempted to try and remain as supportive as possible and overlooked their own mental welfare in the process. This is usually because they are either genuinely inclusive people and or, trying their hardest to keep families together. There comes a point where they become ill. Sadly they tend not to be supported by society in the same way as the individual undergoing the transition. This also leads to forms of social guilt which is obviously highly unfair. The transitioning partners can also become highly selfish to the point where their behaviour is narcissistic in the extreme. This can lead them to load the transphobic gun which they will continually fire until they get what they want. I think it tends to be more about what the transitioning partner is like. If they are genuinely understanding about the strain that the straight partner goes through, then a lot of the issues experienced can be avoided. I am also aware that the trans widows I have had contact with, are in fact those who have felt the need to reach out for support.

2) There is strong evidence that blame shifting does take place. But, this information comes from women who are obviously being given a hard time of it. These situations are emotionally highly charged. The straight partner blames the trans partner for being secretive, or lying about who they are and were. The trans partner will blame the straight partner for not understanding why this is important to them and then not being able to accept their new female self.

3) Don’t know of any marriage that has “made it” without there being an obvious fundamental shift in the arrangement. Many trans partners humbly offer to move into a Lesbian relationships with their partners. This is usually seen as abhorrent to the straight partner, for obvious reasons. MOMs or open relationships can still be avenues open for the continuation of a partnership. But, they take an enormous amount of understanding and honesty.

4) They ultimately end in separation and divorce. Usually acrimoniously it seems. Normally at the behest of the straight partners, who have developed mental health issues from the multi-layered trauma they experience. I have even had one trans widow being told by a joint “friend” to “get over herself”.

Of all the people I have had contact with over the years that are involved in relationships which were, or ended up with a partner coming out as LGBTQA+. It is the trans widows my heart bleeds for most. To be transphobic comes from the Latin route trans, meaning to move to, across and through. They have an understandable fear of transition, due to the nature of it and due to the implications to themselves and their families. Phobias are fears, they are not hates. The trans widows are often left without a voice. Excluded by an inclusive society. In Greek mythology,
Narcissus rejected the love of echo, fell in love with themselves while gazing into a mirrored pool. They were turned to a flower by the gods. Interpret that as you will. But Echo’s voice should be heard and understood by everyone, as more than just an echo itself.

Last edited by Ordinary guy (June 27, 2023 10:16 am)

Stuck1, 

Good for you.     Im doing really good after divorce.

I think you will find your life saner and free of made up drama.  You may still be confused as to how someone could do this but dont let that confusion stop you from living a normal and sane life.   God would not want us constantly abused.. There are normal good people out there.