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June 7, 2023 1:14 am  #1


What do you do when it all goes to hell?

So. I am in therapy. I take medication. I meet regularly with my doctor. I know everything I should be doing. I am aware that I should not let him get to me, that I deserve better, that his actions are his own and this doesn't mean anything is wrong with me, I should cut contact, set boundaries, and a million other things.

I do positive self talk, personal affirmations, exercise.....and I'm still waiting for when things get easier or better in any way, shape or form.

I want to ask the group....what do you do when everything is just plain shit? When you feel like a discarded piece of trash, when you sit there and think about how someone used you for 20 years, that you were actually living some made up fantasy form of house....

I feel like I am literally crazy. That my entire life was this elaborate lie....where my husband decided he was gay, hated marriage, hated the pets, didn't want a house, hated where we lived, and was just completely miserable....and I had no idea. I somehow completely missed the fact that he wasn't even attracted to women. And he just....never mentioned it. He says it wasn't lying because he didn't realize all this until after he dumped me, and at the time he was trying really hard.

So he obliterated me as a human being and tells me he knows he was a shitty husband and is sorry. When I ask him if he could please explain a few things and answer a few questions I have (because I feel like my brain is broken and I'm trying to make sense of it all) he asks me what more do I want, because he's well aware of how much he sucks and said he was sorry. Am I supposed to say thank you? (sarcasm there)

"Our" cat died. He said he wanted to come to the appointment. He confirmed the date and time. Then he no-showed and left me with the bill. I was expecting him to not come, and tell me how he never said he would. Which, is what he did and said. But it still smarts. I asked him to please pay for half of the cost of the euthanasia and cremation (that shit ain't cheap) and then got a wall of texts about how pets are possessions not marital property and how he doesn't have to pay anything for them (and because he doesn't want them anymore he shouldn't have any responsibility for them).

My lawyer has already told me that where I live pets are marital property and any expenses incurred are 50/50 until the marriage is legally ended. But he doesn't agree, because google said differently. I asked him to please get a lawyer and confirm this if he is so adamant about it. But he doesn't want one. I guess instead of Dr. Google it's Lawyer Google now.. Apparently I'm just assuming he's a never ending money pit.

So. I know I'm legally entitled to the money. I know I am entitled to set my own boundaries and stand up for myself. And yet.....today he completely massacred me.

It's like something inside me just snapped. I burst into tears at work and had to leave and I took a sick day tomorrow. It was humiliating. And I feel like a pathetic loser.

My cat died. My gay husband dumped on me. And I tore my rotator cuff at my one job but don't have any coverage so now I can't work my one job and my income has been slashed and I am so unbelievably stressed about money. And I got entirely and completely overwhelmed and just had a mental breakdown.

And....I feel like a piece of trash. To my bones. I truly feel fundamentally unlovable. And so incredibly stupid that I just somehow missed the fact that my husband was miserable, my life was a lie, and he didn't even like women. I have had people who I thought were friends dump me because they felt I was outing him by talking about what happened, or that I wasn't supportive enough. I lost everyone I had considered family. I was erased from my nieces and nephews lives. And I am truly alone. I spent all the holidays alone - thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. I'm not invited anywhere because everyone has their own family and lives. And I got tagged in a meme that says "wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month". 

Telling myself I deserve better is not cutting it. I'm miserable and I'm tired of everyone treating me like shit. I have tried so very hard to hold my head up high and be me....but it truly isn't working. I'm struggling so very bad. And I'm doing all the "right" things, following all the advice, doing self care.....and I still don't want to get up in the morning. I just don't see the point anymore of being alive. Everyone tells me about how it will get better, and the best is yet to come, and I just have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. For what though?

If I'm this stupid, and am just someone that people see as an easy target to use and abuse....what's next?

And yes, the logical side of my brain is running it's mantra. But I'm done and I just don't have any sense of self left. I truly feel like a piece of trash.

For the record - I am not suicidal (I just want to make that clear so no one panics or worries). I'm depressed as hell and tired of fighting when no one bothers to listen to me and just ignores what I say anyway. I am looking for support that isn't "it will get better" or some company in my misery. Because....it really isn't getting better, and in fact is getting worse....

 

June 7, 2023 3:59 am  #2


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Well...do you feel better for typing all that out? I could feel the frustration in your words! And yes although I wasn't working, and the levels of my stress weren't as unbelievably-high as yours must be....there were times when I drove to the top of Paekakariki Hill Road to the lookout there and thought about driving off it. But I always thought of the cars driving down SH1 below.....and I'd never forgive myself if I killed anybody else (even though I'd be dead and wouldn't care). I honestly thought Hell would never end. The dark circles under my eyes will never go away. They were a gift from a years worth of stifling my sobs at night as I lay beside a man I don't have to lie beside anymore. Compared to yours though my life was a breeze, and I kind of feel a bit of a sham sometimes when I read what some of you have to live/put up with.

Anon the spiky bush you're being dragged through backwards won't end til you stop allowing yourself and your emotions to be tied to it. Him....he's the spiky bush! There's a detached space you have to get to. It's like a force-field around you that the things he says, or does that would normally grate/annoy/distress you just bounce off because you see them coming and are ready for them. 

I still reckon you need face-to-face conversation with other women going through divorce/break-up. We are good sounding-boards. As for " And I got tagged in a meme that says "wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month". Fuck them Anon. 
You aren't an easy target. In the back of your mind you know to take it easy, be cautious, hold your head up and look forward because your destination is in front of you not behind.

Anything anybody says to you is probably going to sound trite and read like something on a get well card, or from a book of deeep 
worldly phrases but you know everything you get here is genuine and in the end you'll just put one foot in front of the other and take it day by day

Warm hugs from New Zealand
Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 7, 2023 4:46 am  #3


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Dear Anon2222!
I will be very direct and I will write from my own experiences and from what I've seen happen to people who faced and accepted hardships and moved on to a much better life.

What I often feel when reading your posts (and forgive me if I'm wrong) is that you are still trying to fight/change what happened to you. (This is also the trickiest part of grief.)
Your past  can't be changed. It happened. But there is so many good news about that.
First and most important is:
There is a whole world inside you that you forgot about, or that you didn't even get to explore yet. Right now there is no or very litte space for the "world of you"  since you are kind of stuck and because you mostly concentrate on the person whose life you put  before yours, and who you thought you can't live without (which by now you know is all BS; you CAN live without him- you already are, and whether you know it or not- your life will get sooo much better and lighter without him). Just imagine someone you love was going through what you are going through-what would you tell them to do, what would you wish for them?

Example from my life: In the last 7 months I lost two most important people in my life, two people that I was most attached to and believed that if I lost them- i was going to die... really physically die. I lost one to illness, the other to gayness. But accepting the first loss  helped me deal with the second. My mother got sick, there was no cure. She accepted it herself and lived (though physically poor) the best last year of her life). There was nothing I could change about that. So two months before her death, I finally stopped "fighting it", and though our relationship was always amazing, it got to the purest level of love. And though just couple of months before her death I believed that her last day was also my last day, I let her go in peace. Her strength gave me so much strength. 
Three months after her death  the love of my life let me know he wants to be with men. This time I hoped I was gonna die (would never hurt myself but I just wanted to not be anymore). But then, though it hurt like hell, I knew that I can't change the fact that he doesn't want me anymore. I moved out quickly. It has been 2,5 months since it happened. I still sometimes cry. I miss him. I  am wondering how he could leave everything good that we had- for sex??? But! I have more space in my life. Things that got buried while I was a part of the couple are coming to surface. I thought we were the most perfect couple on this world. Now I see that we weren't (and with that I don't even think about the gay thing).I did spend sometime thinking "why"...Why did it happen to me; why did he have to be gay (or bi, honestly don't know but also don't care anymore). But then I started thinking about how I was in that relationship.  I see how I also hid behind this man, so I wouldn't have to deal with things I found unpleasant. So now I work on facing those things, and I am stronger every day. Though I sometimes cry and feel sad, I can say that I am mostly good and have energy and joy for life. 
So the other morning I woke up very early, made myself a coffee, truly enjoyed my morning and felt this with my whole body and mind: "My life is perfect. I am where I am supposed to be. "

If you didn't have the strength to get through your hardship- your situation would have already killed you. You have strenth. Cry, kick, scream, but then take time to only think of yourself and do things you want, even they are all small (though the small ones are the most important ones). Try to stop the never ending thoughts when you catch yourself thinking them. You gave this man many years, and your life energy. He didn't give much back, so stop giving it to him. 
I think you wrote another post with the emphasis on "WHY"? WHY would someone do this to another being. I have to say, if you can, stop asking that question. This question again concentrates on HIM, and why HE did this and that, and how HE feels, and how could HE do this to you. I am sure he has his answers, but those answers won't change anything for you. You will just waste a huge amount of energy on analysing him. 
I know you feel alone. But look. Here is one person you never met, who lives very far away from you, but who honestly cares and cheers you on.


 

Last edited by ellierigg (June 7, 2023 4:53 am)

 

June 7, 2023 5:12 am  #4


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Have to add a few thoughts. When it gets really dark in my mind, I try to remember that I am so much more that my emotions. And then something inside me opens up, and I really see my emotions as some kind of fog which I can remove, and underneath I feel joy,sometimes fear, but always energy and strength and love. A will to to just be alive. You are able to do that too, all  of us are. We all just "programmed" our minds and bodies to live and think in a certain way. But we all have ability to change. 

Also... Being a part of a couple-as beautiful as it can be- also requires us to forget parts of ourselves. We are also programmed, from early childhood, to believe that "being a part of the couple" is happiness. I think it can be, i lived it for many years, but I am now sure that it's not the only way to be happy. I am not saying I will never again be in a relationship, but that is honestly that last thing on my mind right now. I have a chance for a new beginning, a chance to deal with my fears, a chance to find my strength, a chance to give to other people. It is a great feeling. I hope you will soon feel that too, or that you already feel it from time to time. Just think of the burdain you are letting go. The heavyness you won't have to carry anymore.

Last edited by ellierigg (June 7, 2023 5:32 am)

 

June 7, 2023 8:28 am  #5


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Anon,

I totally understand how you feel and we have all been in this place at one point or another.

I also have no children, do not interact with my so called “friends” anymore as most of them were wives of the other. I can’t be around them and their husbands are the other’s friends who have treated me horribly since this all came out. Someone even threatened me in that “friend” group because I found out he has a “secret” too.

My BFF moved away to a different state and I hardly speak to her now. She has her own life and I understand. I do see her from time to time when she visits. Making friends in your late 40s is really hard.

I do not have pets, but I’ve thought about it from time to time. Then the reality of it hits me and I would rather be petless than to be burden by money.

I also live alone and my family has been great, however I do not chat about my situation anymore. I’ve realized those who have not been in this position do NOT understand. They do not understand the pain, the betrayal and hurt. I only discuss on forum or with a few friends I have connected with from the local support group.

There is a deep part of me that’s not functioning and I sit at home on the couch and just feel miserable, too.  I was seeing a therapist and stopped as I felt it was not working and again monetary burden kicks in. I might need to find another one but all therapy works only if you do the work. My mind doesn’t want the therapy to work because like you, I always asked myself WHY?

All those feelings you have are valid and the instinct and fundamental good nature would want to ask HOW? WHY? etc. I would ask the other WHY all the time. And I got yelled back WHY do you keep asking me I don’t have answers! This was bullshit!! You understand you will never know WHY! Narcissistic and Sociopath people will ALWAYS blame others. And they can cry with you and tell you they are sorry, but as soon as you hang up the phone they go back to their lives. They don’t think about the hurt or the pain they have caused. They live in their “pink cloud” and living their best life.

I too believed I had an awesome marriage and found the greatest person on Earth. The whole friend group thought we were the nicest couple who would NEVER get divorced. It’s been almost 2 1/2 years out and I have moments that I feel like crap and worthless. Especially at my job since I’m not performing well and this is NOT my character at all. My job has been very kind and my world blew up 3 months after I got this job. I need to perform better or else. I think I hav brain fog or PTSD. I rather do anything than work. I read this site often to get me through my day. It sometimes feel like my crutch.

My doctor has told me I am a functioning depressed person and I believe that now. I have never expressed depression in my life and didn’t know I could be till now. I probably should be on meds but due to GI issues I would rather not do I suffer. I am rethinking this.

I know your whole world turned upside down and you feel your entire being is destroyed, but you still have yourself. I told myself to NOT let this asshole take away MY SPIRIT!. That’s all I have and I can’t be like this anymore. So I try to get out of the house, it’s been hard! I make meals that make me happy. And though I want a new place bc I can’t stand being in this condo he bought but I got through the divorce. I can’t afford to move. Real estate is too high and this area I want to be in is outrageous.

I try to make the most of my day and be grateful for what I have. When I go to bed, I think about 1 thing that was good in my day and smile.

My advice is to not allow anymore stress into your life if you can control it. Monetary wise, think of the pro/con and let things go if they can. You should also go no contact with him. I know it’s hard and times where you want him to listen and wish he would and be the person you knew. But the person you knew is NOT the real person he is. It’s like you’re in a vortex and a mindfuck is exactly what it is.

Let your attorney handle the divorce and don’t argue with him about making payment in this that and the other. It will only give you stress because you will be talking to a wall.

DM me if you need a friend and want to chat.

Hugs and be well!

Last edited by LostAtSea (June 7, 2023 8:29 am)

 

June 7, 2023 12:57 pm  #6


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Hi Anon2022,

I just wanted to add some kind thoughts and words to the support from the others. It's a really stinking place to be in. I was there, and am just starting to emerge from the depths.

I knew all the right things to do, like you - therapy, meds, doctor, meditate, gratitude, journal, etc etc. But it just took time. And it takes the time it takes. 

You WILL recover a stronger sense of self, and you WILL be able to co-exist with this. I fought it for a long time, lots of anger, denial, resentment. Acceptance is a journey, not a destination. It used to be that all days sucked and I was an anxious, depressed mess. Now, most days don't suck, and some days are actually good.

Wishing you peace, and sending some hugs. You're not alone in this. 

Anon 765

 

June 7, 2023 2:52 pm  #7


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

LostAtSea - all I can say is a heartfelt thank you.

Believe me - if I could just shut it all off, I would in a heartbeat. If I could stop being a pathetic loser and getting kicked, that would be wonderful. I do really well for a few months....then I go down the rabbit hole.

I have significant health issues, and it just makes everything so freaking hard. It leaves me in a vulnerable state more times than I ever want to be. Again, I do all the "right" things (all the specialists, therapy for over a decade, every medication)....and then I end up sending a huge wall of text messages in the throws of ridiculous anxiety...and then he yells at me for awhile to shut up. And I feel like a failure and hate myself for not being able to just do things right and control myself.

I say all the wrong things, use the wrong words, disrespect his boundaries because I talk about something I'm not allowed to bring up.....and then I'm the one left questioning everything. He told me I'm the one who has problems and is abusive, and he has been trying to be patient with me, but he can't deal with me anymore and I have to stop letting him have this power over me. And....my brain works furiously to figure out what the hell is going on. I second guess myself, have a panic attack, apologize profusely, then hate myself for not being normal. And it takes me days to get out of the shame spiral. It's mortifying and humiliating, given how the world treats mental health. I have spent an inordinate amount of time terrified I'm an abuser and that I do deserve everything because I'm a freak.

The logical side of my brain points out...he is well aware of my mental health and knows exactly what to say to me and how to say it to put me into this state (he knew about if even before we got married and then for 20 years)....is he doing this on purpose? Does he get something out of watching me suffer? Is he so incapable of treating me with any humanity that he would instead mock my mental illness?

Prior to this. I was doing sooooooo well. I was actually in the best place I have been in years. And then my entire world imploded. And my brain isn't normal. I have some diagnoses, but they are still going back and forth on some things, but regardless my brain is broken.

It literally cannot comprehend the level of deception required to fake your entire life. It can't reconcile this person....this angry, hateful person who claims he never did anything to me...with the person I was married to. 

I am doing my best to just not do anything he doesn't want. Not say anything he doesn't want to hear. And trying to be "normal, rational and not respond with emotion". 

But I am oh so very stupid....I had a break down. Up until this point I have been able to handle them myself. This one was too much for me to handle alone and I knew I needed to ask for help. Prior to the mindfuck he was always so kind and patient when I had a bad day (which were rare but ugly). And we've been together for so long, he knows what to do.

So, the absolute moron that I am....I sent a text message asking for help. I explained the situation, and asked him if he would be comfortable or able to offer support. And made it clear that it was his decision, and that I would respect if he said no. I just needed to know, so I could make the arrangements I needed. He didn't answer, he just called. I answered and just burst into tears. I have had so much happen and go wrong, and I have worked so fucking hard and have kept everything going and together. And it was like something snapped and I just needed someone to cry to, to let it out, to rage, and tell me it'll all work out.

What I got was he yelled at me that all I do is disrespect his boundaries and he refuses to talk to me if all I was going to do was talk about how I'm struggling. He told me that "dragging up the shit he has done is not okay" with him and if I can't shut up about it he will no longer talk to me. Then he hung up.

So. I blocked his number and called my lawyer. And now I will just feel like a pathetic loser for awhile.

     Thread Starter
 

June 7, 2023 3:07 pm  #8


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Anon2222!
If you can, please decide today that this is the last time you will call yourself a looser, pathetic, stupid, or any of the things you wrote in the post above. You are none of that. You are as worthy as any other human in this world. Life will give you good things and good solutions. Because nothing lasts forever, your suffering will also fade with time. It will get better. Sending love!

Last edited by ellierigg (June 7, 2023 3:09 pm)

 

June 7, 2023 3:08 pm  #9


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Anon2222, I'm really sorry you're going through this.

And I definitely understand your desire to call someone and tell everything that you feel. I had that desire too, and talking to support groups and a therapist helped.
But does it have to be him? It seems like maybe things are not working out by talking to him. And no, he will not offer the support you want.
Do you have anyone else but him to call and talk about your feelings?

You can also PM me if you wanted to chat and if that somehow helps.

Last edited by Anon42 (June 7, 2023 4:08 pm)

 

June 7, 2023 3:55 pm  #10


Re: What do you do when it all goes to hell?

Anon2222:  I can relate to how you're feeling.   My husband just recently revealed his desires to have sex with men and it totally blindsided me.  It makes me doubt every aspect of my life and my judgement about everything.   How could I live with someone for 29 years and have no idea that he was bi/gay? I don't know how I'm going to "accept" this truth.  I feel a significant amount of anxiety and "cognitive dissonance".   I feel like my brain is not able to process this new information. This probably doesn't help you, but you are not alone. 

 

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