Wow, that is a lot to deal with. My gay ex boyfriend never told me the truth when I confronted him. I know how shocked and hurt that you must be. I agree with you about not having sex with him and another man. I won't tell you to leave because I don't know your situation and I would never, ever, tell another member what to do. I was helped by a therpist. Post as much as you need to. We understand.

Sorry you’ve found yourself here MKate. I have also been married for a long time. I stumbled upon his bisexual/gay secret life by accident about 8 years ago on our 36th wedding anniversary. He accidentally left his phone open to the Grindr app. I didn’t even know what that was… had to google. I was so blindsided!! Once confronted, he confessed to having had several gay hookups while on business trips and couples therapy ensued. He claimed to be glad he was caught and off of the gay merry go round..he was a model husband for a time. After the renewed honeymoon period, I became hyper vigilant of his doings and discovered there was way more than he had admitted. In retrospect, there were red flags that I now know showed he isn’t entirely straight. The truth or what I have gotten out of him has come to light in bits and pieces. I’m sure I don’t know all of it and probably never will. He claims to be bisexual .. I believe him but I think he leans closer to desiring men more than women.  From what I he has told me and what I’ve pieced together, I’d guess he has a 70/30 desire to for men over women?? We still have sex thanks to cialis, a deep love for each other and a strong desire from both of us to stay together. He has also been diagnosed with a porn addiction and feelings of inadequacy for having what he thinks is a small
penis. Personally, I think the porn addiction is just an excuse for being selfish/self indulgent combined with a strong same sex attraction. We have been in therapy together and separately. He is currently seeing a therapist for that “porn addiction”. I have been playing gay whack-a-mole since discovery. Every 1-2 years, I get suspicious that he has been on a gay hook-up/chat site and go digging. My hunch has never been wrong and I’ve probably missed a lot. He claims it is just a desire to have a larger dick and to see what he wishes were his equipment. He says he hasn’t been physical with anyone since the big discovery 8 years ago and for my sanity, I choose to believe him. If I were younger, I would probably divorce him and live without the constant cloud of not knowing his whole truth. But he is a great guy, a wonderful provider, a decent father to our three grown sons, a good grandfather to our two grandsons and we have a rich  life as a couple with lots of friends and travel; so I stay. I suspect if he could do it all over again, he’d do it differently too. He is (and I am too) a victim of the time 44 years ago when men were expected to marry one woman, have kids and live happily ever after with her. ~ I suggest you read as much on these boards as you think may apply to you. I would urge you to specifically read under the topic “is he/she gay”  the entire thread of “a gay ex husband answers your questions”. It is a lot to read but it was very insightful!! The author Ryan King aka Sean01 speaks honestly and openly and I saw a lot of patterns that he spoke of in my husband. He also has a few podcasts that are very worthwhile.

I hope my ramblings were clear enough…just trying to show you that you are not alone. Everyone’s situation is unique. Hang in there… try to eat, sleep and keep your mind busy until you feel able to make well thought out decisions about moving forward.

M-Kate wrote:

....,...I don’t want to be alone, but I feel angry that he has lied, cheated and deceived me.   It will be hard to trust him again.    We’re trying to communicate more and have sex more often.   He said that I never initiated sex in the past and so I’m doing so now and trying to be open to using “toys”.  I’ve set boundaries and will not participate in a threesome or let him cum on my face (I don’t understand why that would be a turn on for him and I would find it degrading).   .....

Welcome to our Forum M-Kate
Can you see what your husband is doing? He is talking to you like he knows you better than you know yourself. And using sex, and his wants and needs, as the language to convince you that you are the one at fault. You may be trying but he's probably well-aware that you don't want this and doesn't have to try anything because you are doing it all, caught up in an emotional tug-of-war between how you think your marriage should be and how your husband really wants it to be. 

The man I have just this week left used to spin me round in knots, and because I loved him and thought I would be nothing without him ..I did, and let him do....things that I look back now and cringe at. 

M-Kate...you need to find the M-Kate inside, the strong one, the one that doesn't bend to this man's sexual will.

The anger and sadness go hand in our journey through this Mindfuck. But if you recognise and acknowledge them, and accept this happens to most of us it'll become easier to get through the emotions

Elle
 

I think that the only way that we will be able to stay married is by being more open, honest and by having lots of sex - is that crazy?   Won't it help us move forward? 

M-Kate wrote:

I think that the only way that we will be able to stay married is by being more open, honest and by having lots of sex - is that crazy?   Won't it help us move forward? 

Yes. That is crazy. If your husband is anything like A. he'll be very skilled at separating what you have with him....and what he desires sexually with men. Having more sex won't decrease his wanting extra with men.

E