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1 of 1- GracefulStruggle23
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6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on.
This is a repost to change my username.
New to this world. 4-15-23 was our Disclosure Day. He's been in therapy since January. I didn't find out about his therapy until the end of March, and he let me think & act like I could fix what was making him unhappy about our marriage. His was an early childhood sexual trauma, which we knew about, but there was a lot we didn't know and it was worse than we knew.
Anyway... He's feeling "free" and ready to explore and now, 6 weeks later has a "boyfriend" that he wants to spend all his free time with while we are cohabitating with our 10 yr old daughter.
Tomorrow would've been our 14th wedding anniversary. I'm pretty much dealing with the loss of my marriage on my own.
I have started therapy, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I have flashes of emotions, but it doesn't feel like I have hit the brunt of it.
My therapist told me to work on what I want. My husband tells me to figure out what. My friends tell me to do what right for me.
I don't know what I want other than I don't want to be alone.
I'm still hurting so bad. I'm trying to process but I feel like everyone is rushing me to move on. Like my husband is pushing me away.
I have been stoic most of the time, for my daughter, because when I have gotten emotional she gets terribly upset. She does know what is going on and also has started therapy.
What I want to do is start shutting down. I'm hurting. I'm exhausted. I'm scared.
And I don't know how to move forward. I don't have any clue what I want.
I had what I always wanted. We were happy, genuinely, until he wasn't and I didn't know until he flipped my world upside down.
What do I do? How do I figure out what I want without feeling left behind, or pushed too soon. He has told me to try some dating apps (we were an eHarmony success story) I didn't have a whole lot of self-esteem to start with the last 6 weeks hasn't improved it...
I feel so lost.
- Abby
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Re: 6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on.
Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. My first piece of advice is not to go looking for someone else. For one thing, when you are at your worst is not when you are the best judge of character and will be more appealing to losers and abusers than keepers.
Also, how convenient for him if he can offload you onto someone else. If he feels any guilt for what he's done you being with someone else can lessen it. You might even become so eager to move into a new relationship that you will agree to whatever he wants to get divorced quickly.
Don't let anyone push you here: you are married and you have rights. Before making decisions start by gathering information, without his knowledge, about the family finances. Make copies. Open a bank account in your name alone.
.Start looking for an attorney you will be comfortable working with. This doesn't mean that you are deciding to divorce but that if he files you know where to turn. Custody also should be considered with summer vacation coming up/
Will the finances allow you to stay in the house and keep her in the school and surroundings she is used to if he moves out? That will be easiest for you if it is possible.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. She will thank you for it when she is old enough to understand what happened.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Anon42
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Re: 6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on.
GracefulStruggle23 wrote:
I had what I always wanted. We were happy, genuinely, until he wasn't and I didn't know until he flipped my world upside down.
What do I do? How do I figure out what I want without feeling left behind, or pushed too soon. He has told me to try some dating apps (we were an eHarmony success story) I didn't have a whole lot of self-esteem to start with the last 6 weeks hasn't improved it...
I feel so lost.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, GracefulStruggle23!
Sorry that I can't really advise you here, because I'm also fresh after the disclosure. I'm just thinking out loud here.
My wife proclaimed that she wants to "meet" other women about a month ago. And we have two kids.
And I do feel lonely too.
Now, I guess I'm lucky in a sense that she has not found anyone yet (as far as I know) and that she's not pushing for a divorce. Though I guess it might be because I'm the sole bread winner. But she does care about the kids, though she does now say that she sometimes wishes we did not have them.
So I don't know what to do either besides that I know for sure I'm not ok with her having dates while we're still married.
From what I hear on the podcasts and read here, it seems like the best course of action would be separation (as in living separately and not seeing each other too often, at least for a period of time).
This way I can grief the loss of my wife and marriage separately from her.
I need to learn to stop loving my wife somehow.
I feel that she's pulling away from me even more (we did not get closer after the disclosure), and this is painful for me. I do want to have someone to spend my life together, but I guess I'm broken now too to find the right person, and first need to figure out what needs to be fixed.
But let me assure you of something. You can get get through this. And we're here for you.
- Gloria
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Re: 6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on.
When I found out that my ex boyfriend was gay, I did not live with him but would spend four nights a week away from him. That helped. I was so angry. Please know that it does get better with time. I wish you the best.
- stuck1
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Re: 6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on.
GracefulStruggle23, I am about 3 years post disclosure. My husband has just started doctor prescribed HRT. He had been previously taking hormones on his own. I am so sorry that you have been pushed. I too have had people say things to me that I imagine that they have said to you. Despite trying to be helpful, I know that their words have probably hurt (at least they hurt me). I told my husband that I would support him if this is what he wanted but not as his wife. I am now at the point where I am at a crossroads and it doesn't seem any easier. I do not want to be married to a woman. This is not a journey that I can take with him. However, someone wise just told me that I would want to go when "staying is worse than leaving". I think there is a song about this. I don't know what I want in the grand scheme of things. I also had what I wanted - but realize now that I really didn't have what I thought that I had. All I know is that I want peace. I am days away from telling him that I want a divorce . . . and I am scared. My parents are both gone, no siblings. I have 3 kids that I need to hold "it" together for. Although they are older than your daughter, it is still hard. My daughter is in therapy because he drinks and no one knows the truth about our situation. It is so hard. I wish you the very best. Please know that you are not alone.
- Rob
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Re: 6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on.
stuck1,
Yes I was in therapy, the kids were in therapy, the dog was in therapy... but she was just fine.
I overcame my fear when I realized that leaving (the unknown ) couldn't possibly be worst than staying. I would have sold organs to get away from her. She remains my biggest fear...capable of so much hurt.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- WitheredWildflower
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Re: 6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on.
Hi GracefulStruggle23. Sorry you've found yourself here. I'm less than a month from my discovery and this past weekend was our 15th wedding anniversary. It's still so fresh and I feel very similar grief to yours. He feels liberated and my feelings are mixed. The only advice I can offer is not to let anyone else tell you how to grieve the loss of your reality. For straight spouses, we aren't just loosing the relationship we've invested in, but the legitimacy of that relationship too. Its going to take some time to grieve that, and that's okay. What my therapist has been telling me is that this next year will be the toughest I've faced yet but I will make it out the other side a stronger and healthier person. You will to. Right now is your dark hour but the sun will rise again.
"Wildflowers don't care where they grow." - Dolly Parton