Anon42 wrote:

I mean so far the deal is that she's not dating while we're together, so she probably does not get what she wants. But she is trying to push me in the direction of letting her do it. Like, "why wait for separation/divorce, it's almost the same". And I'm sure it is the same for her, since she decided that we're not really married a long time ago.

In a similar vein, we were once talking about a friend who has been battling cancer, and I mentioned that we're having a similarly stressful situation at our home (I was feeling really bad back then), but she brushed it off saying that surely cancer is much worse.

I don't want to think of her as a manipulator though. I'm trying to remain objective (and friendly to her), and so far there probably was not too much of manipulation, at least compared to what other people here have experienced.

Of course you don't want to think of her as manipulating you, oh goodness, there are no words to describe how awful it is to go through the discovery that the person you have loved and who you thought you were having a marriage with is not there in the marriage with you but is completely outside of it - there was no reciprocity, for him it was just about getting what he wanted from me - I remember thinking at one point it's like all my marriage I have been talking to a sock puppet.  And now I can see him, standing in the shadows.

Of course you don't want to think of her as dating women.  

And of course you want to believe she cares about you, at least a little.

The conclusion I reached, standing there in the garden feeling so forlorn, was that I needed to put my arm round me.  

wishing you all the best, 42.  Look after yourself at all times.




 

Last edited by lily (August 1, 2023 4:18 pm)

Anon42 wrote:

.......I wonder if she'd prefer me telling that she is gay instead.

I know you're probably being facetious but.....talking about this to somebody else could mean them suggesting that she may be gay....and there is your opening lol 
I know I shouldn't LOL but having got through the Mindfuck I see it all so clearly that what held me back for so long was not wanting to make it public while I was still living with A. because the thought of living in "air you could cut with a knife" and  "walking on eggshells" was unthinkable. 

The information you want to tell other people should be all about you....your point of view, your side of things not hers, that way you're not crossing boundaries of her privacy if you're not ready to divulge stuff.
Take a deep breath. This is your life

Elle
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I know you're probably being facetious but..

Nope, I'm quite serious. See below.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

The information you want to tell other people should be all about you....your point of view, your side of things not hers, that way you're not crossing boundaries of her privacy if you're not ready to divulge stuff.
Take a deep breath. This is your life

We are going to tell people that we're getting divorced, and I expect them to ask why.

But you see my wife thinks she can get away with not telling the whole truth. She thinks she can say something like "we have sexual incompatibility" (and indeed she did tell that to one of her friends).

I think this explanation does not quite cover the important aspects of the situation. Like the fact that it's absolutely not my fault, and it is absolutely all my wife's doing.

Saying that she requested an open marriage and I suggested a divorce does cover those details. But for her it is a bit more damning than explaining that she is gay. I think.

I'm not sure how I can talk to people about the situation without mentioning at least some of that. If you have more ideas, they're always welcome

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

The woman who dropped a bomb into your life can say what she wants to, as less as she wants to. That's her choice.
...
And you say "this is how it is....." And then proceed to speak your truth. There need be no malice in the telling of it. But why let her 'fairytale' over you so no judgement falls on her?

Ah, I think we have a little misunderstanding in that I'm trying to agree with my wife on what we tell people, and what you're saying is that I should not try to agree with her on that. And you're probably right, but I'm trying to keep things peaceful for now.

As others suggested I'll probably start telling people what I want after a certain deadline which I'll communicate to my wife.

lily wrote:

See the trouble is that while you are catching up to the realities it is likely your wife is actively preparing for divorce.

If she were going to play nice then fine take all the time you need but she's not going to be is she.  

Turned out my ex had been preparing for years for the day I said I wanted a divorce and in the 18 months that followed he went into hyper drive, siphoning off more money from our joint account and putting it into his secret one that he'd had for years without me knowing.  And so on.  The so on included talking with my closest friends first before I did - while I was being quiet about it for his sake, he was busy lying to my friends and turning them against me.

I'm so sorry this happened to you!
In my case I believe (so far) that she's not doing any of that. Ok, she did tell about "sexual incompatibility" to one friend of hers, but that's it. I hope.
On the contrary, it's me who's pushing for the divorce and she does not really want to leave. Well, at least I don't think she'll want to move till she has a girlfriend.

On the other hand, of course she was preparing to break the marriage for several years now.
And while what we have can maybe still be called a partnership, it's definitely not a marriage.