Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Sounds like you're in the middle of the should I/shouldn't I?/tug of war vortex.

It's more like I know that I should, but I have doubts that maybe it's not the right thing to do. Am I doing enough to save the marriage? Am I not doing enough to save the marriage?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Been there done that. I found being apart.....I visited family, 5 weeks, 3 weeks, a few days....helped my headspace. Having my own bedroom also. Disengaging is hard but necessary for me to break away and plan the separation. 

Well there's no problem with a bedroom - we haven't been sleeping together for years (and I've only realized that this is not normal very recently - after the disclosure. How stupid am I?).
Separating further is a problem - we're doing most of the things together, but I'll get a chance a bit later. That's why I'm pushing for a separation, so that I can disconnect more.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

You know....I would have stayed maybe if A. had been willing to talk about it and we could come to an agreement,  but he seemed unable to acknowledge my concerns.

Well we've had the talks. The wife is always wondering why am I talking about the same things again and again. She told me everything already (that she wants to date women), and what else is it that I want to hear from her?
She does acknowledge my concerns I guess, but that does not help as she still insists on doing it her way.
If that's the case I don't think I have any other option than separation and divorce.
And I'm just trying to apprehend that she really wants to ruin the marriage for this (though she is upset when I use word 'ruin' describing this).

She says that maybe when she has relationships with women, she'll see that it's no better than what we have, and will then maybe come back.
Welp, while I'm not totally opposed to her coming back, I'm not going to be waiting holding my breath.
I will still try and disconnect from her and will try and date on my own.

And yes, we do remember about the kids, hopefully not too much is going to change for them.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Anon42 wrote:

.....She says that maybe when she has relationships with women, she'll see that it's no better than what we have, and will then maybe come back......

You know how self-serving, selfish and unfair of her that would be don't you?

E
 

I guess it is indeed. Thanks for pointing this out (not a sarcasm).

But you know, she suffered so much (by being in the marriage with me), so then it's ok for her to say that (sarcasm).

Sorry, I'm just tired today.

Last edited by Anon42 (July 14, 2023 12:24 am)

Thanks for checking on me, Elle.

Things have not changed much. We're still together. I still (for some reason) want her to leave, but there's too much happening right now (pre-planned vacations, friends coming over) for us to discuss this in details and for me to really push her to leave.

I feel OKish, though a little more sad lately. This comes snd goes in waves as you know. Investigating divorce options.

Had an opportunity to talk to a friend who knows about our situation, which helped a bit. He had exact same words that I've said about my wife looking much better, loosing weight, changing hair and so on: That this hurts because it's not for me. She's not doing it for me. And my wife just brushes this off:
"It's not supposed to be for you, it's for me". Well, I disagree.
Seeing her hurts, and I want her gone. She does not understand.

42, you are in the hands of a manipulator, and she is getting exactly what she wants from you.   She only understands what she wants to understand.  Glad to hear you have talked with friend.

Sadness is bookended by anger and fear.  All of it is good.  

Anger at the treatment we get gives us the energy for action, sadness eases the anger and soothes the fear which helps chart the path.  

What I did to get battle-ready was go for walks, walks in the rain and the sun and then curl up on my bed and listen to what my feelings had to say as they came and went. 

Anon42 wrote:

.... And other than that I don't have close friends who I could talk to about this. Though I could talk to pretty much anyone who'd listen, just don't want to give away my wife's secret yet......

You need somebody to talk to who will keep your confidence. But certainly not people who are friends with you both. I can't express strongly enough how imperative it is to not keep this inside. I've said before (can't remember who to lol)....that when you have a listening ear the words you speak (out loud) sound different when you have a hopefully trustworthy person as a soundingboard.

And you don't actually have to give away her secret until you feel you want to. I got round that feeling that I couldn't tell people that A. liked men 'gasp'....and merely alluded to him "seeing other people" 

Elle