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April 18, 2023 1:10 pm  #1

Straight wife, bisexual husband… on two different pages

My husband (M35)  and I (F34)  been together for 10 years total. We have two children, ages 5 and 2. He came out to me as bisexual 5 years ago (right after we’d had our first child) following infidelity. We did MC for a time, trying to rebuild trust after infidelity, truth trickling, his porn use that I was uncomfortable with. Eventually, he fell back in to old habits of porn use and building a wall between us, refusing to discuss anything difficult for him and starving me of empathy for anything I was going through. Fast forward to 2023, he decided he wanted to fully accept his identity. He grew up in a conservative, Baptist home with parents he believes would disown him for his sexuality. He’s decided to overcome that. He wants to go out and explore his identity, but he wants to stay married.

I’m not sure that I want to be married any longer. His list of priorities right now include exploring his sexuality and uncovering past trauma. Not fixing our marriage. I am tired of feeling alone. It’s been like having a roommate for years, except that roommate nags you for sex even when you feel no emotional connection to them. And when you ask for emotional connection, they say “well, I did x, y, and z for you.” Then projects their own insecurities about sex onto you and makes you think it’s entirely your fault that you’re not having sex.

I am exhausted. I just want a partner who can talk about the hard stuff with me, empathize with me when I’ve had a hard day, and share the mental load of adulting and parenting equally. I don’t think my husband can do that. He doesn’t think he can either (his words), but he’s afraid of change (again, his words). That isn’t a good enough reason to stay together.

I need a friend.


April 18, 2023 1:58 pm  #2

Re: Straight wife, bisexual husband… on two different pages

bearbeemama wrote:

..... He wants to go out and explore his identity, but he wants to stay married........I’m not sure that I want to be married any longer.......

Yes of course he wants to stay married. He has the perfect cover for the secret life, and it won't change until you decide to change it. 
I was where you are 6 years ago. Tired of giving in, sick of the focus he put on sex as the answer to everything that was wrong in our life (as in me not being sexy enough, willing enough, not prepared to accommodate his exploration)
Nothing will change til you do. And do do that you have to start making decisions about what you want in your life, whether it's worth giving up your autonomy as a straight woman and helping him hide his secret from the world. Start saying no, start seeing this for what it is....coercion using your emotional ties to a man who sees himself as more important than the marriage. Start saying no

Tell him to explore by all means but that you won't be around to watch him do it. The more boundaries you set the stronger you become. 
I know it's going to be that much more difficult with 2 small children. You'll need support from good friends and family. Do you have that? 

This man has put you on his "I'm more important" rollercoaster. Go see a lawyer, make plans. Talk to your family/good friends.  The Forum is here to listen. And advise.



KIA KAHA                       

April 18, 2023 9:23 pm  #3

Re: Straight wife, bisexual husband… on two different pages


Elle said bluntly and best.  Definitely read the first aid thread and build your support system.

It's a common theme on the forum here..how we are the one that wants to build the marriage ..the marriage as it should be based on the wedding vows...while they are bent on destroying it or redefining it based on some selfish idea in their sick head.   

What you're finding as many of did..its hard for one person to repair or build a marriage.. it takes two people.  Many of us found we were struggling for years to make these spouses happy and just couldn't quite put our finger on what the problem was..until we are hit with them hurting us in a blatant way...clearly showing us what they think of us and the marriage...

Wishing you strength and fortitude.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

June 23, 2023 3:56 pm  #4

Re: Straight wife, bisexual husband… on two different pages

I feel for you bearbeemama. My wife admitted to having an affair with another woman about 3 months ago. Your last line hit a lot: "I need a friend". I have never been social and I feel like all I do is work and I don't have time to make friends. This forum is helping me a lot. I just found it today.

Your second paragraph hits close to home too. My wife grew up in a very Christian conservative environment. She has low self-esteem and projects a lot onto other people. We are getting a divorce because her priorities are not about our marriage but about self discovery. 

I know in time it will get better for me. It will for you too!


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