Hello. I guess I should have come to this page first. I apologize for not doing so. I am a middle-aged woman and my SO is transitioning. We met in 1998. We married in 2001. We have one son who is in their middle teens. In 2016 I went to give my husband a hug and I could feel that he was wearing undergarments (a bustier and a bra). I was confused and devastated and I didn't know what to make of it. As information slowly began to come out, I found out that my husband had been dressing in secret most of his life. We worked opposite shifts at times so he would take that opportunity to dress. When I wasn't home. On and off throughout his life. He tried to suppress the dressing. But he could never last long. At that time he didn't ever say that he felt like he was a woman. That didn't begin until he began therapy. He self-initiated therapy in 2019 and I was proud of him for that. I knew something had to give. Unfortunately, the therapists practice that we chose, which was the only one advertising LGBTQ services in our area, caused our family more damage than it helped. The focus of the therapy was specifically around him pushing out of the closet as fast as possible at the expense of everyone else. Nobody else had an experience or feelings about the situation. And if they did and those feelings were negative, they were diagnosed with some sort of psychological disorder that would explain away the feelings. For instance, I was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder. In retrospect, most of the impetus for that diagnosis was in response to how I handled the devastation and grief of my situation that I could not control. I came from a background of trauma that my husband was fully aware of. I had trust issues my whole life, that my husband was also fully aware of. Here we are in 2023. We are no longer patients of that therapy practice. My husband has been on hormones for about a year and a half. In my opinion they have caused a complete personality change. I don't know this person anymore. They are moody and unreasonable and self-indulgent in ways that they never were in the past. My main priority in life is to raise my son. I came from a single parent family and I vowed that I would not put my child through the same. I was very careful and calculated about getting pregnant and even thought I couldn't for some time. My son was planned and is loved and cherished. And every day I struggle with the fact that his family has devolved into this. He is doing well or as well as can be expected with his father's transition. It was brought to my attention by my son's therapist that he does have questions and inquiries about my husband's gender journey, but doesn't feel comfortable asking about it because of the level of shame that my husband has. His shame affects everyone and makes everyone walk on edge and eggshells. My son also wants nothing more than to spend time with his father. But my husband is out of the house more and more. My personal opinion on that is he blames me for not wanting to be in the home but I think it is because he cannot sit with the discomfort of what he has done. He takes that discomfort and he spins it around and points it in my direction and implies that I am the source of toxicity and badness in our home. Even going as far as to blame me for any type of reservations or doubts are son has about the gender situation. I am a stay-at-home mom. My career prior to motherhood was not very lucrative, in today's economy, even less so. I have some physical limitations that prevent me from doing that prior career to its fullest extent, but I still can perform some tasks and am open to a career change. My husband holds all of the financial cards. Information about what he is doing with his life is not for consumption of others in this house. Just like the trans piece, he releases information as he sees fit or he gets caught in the lie. For instance, he went for consultation with a divorce lawyer on the advice of his prior therapist. He kept that information from me and didn't let it out until we were in the midst of an argument. He believes that we do not need lawyers. He thinks we just need a mediator. I believe firmly that he blames me and resents me from my reaction to his transition. I think he believes that my love should be entirely unconditional . I have told him that I would love to remain friends. I have no romantic interests in him anymore. I would prefer to have some space for both of us. There is not enough room in this house for the piles and piles of his feminine clothing. He sleeps on the sofa. I sleep in our old bedroom. There just isn't enough space for everybody to live comfortably. He holds the financial cards yet refuses to get himself an apartment. I've had multiple friends tell me that since he's the one that changed everything. He's the one that should leave. At the same time, I do not want him to spend even less time with his child. It is a never-ending conundrum. Even though we still live together, he works 12 hour days, 5 days a week, half days or more on Saturdays and then spends the occasional Sunday doing something with our son but mostly he's out riding his bike or doing something for himself. Himself. It's like he's not here anyway to cause trauma. The goal of trying to remain friends seems to be in question at this point. I really do not know this person anymore. I wholeheartedly believe that the hormone treatment changed him into a different person. Not enough is said about that. When he started taking the hormones, I think he believed they would be an instant magic pill that would make him happy and not miserable in his own skin. He is still miserable and now he is moody. I am rambling now. Thank you for listening to my story. Right now my main goal on life is to try to raise my son to be a decent human. My health is also starting to fail a bit. I was diagnosed with hypertension last year that I can't seem to get under control with medication yet. I live under the umbrella of fear that I will leave this earth before my son is ready for me to. Especially right now when my husband is not a stellar parent.
Thank you so much for listening.