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April 3, 2023 10:38 am  #11

Re: So ... Now What?

We talked on Sunday.  I told him that honestly we had to address the first issue before addressing the nude photos.  He's buying womens clothing and saying on reddit that he is unhappy with his body and is attracted to men and women. I told him that he needs to talk to a therapist and figure out his direction he wants to go.  That I married a guy and I'm not attracted to women or guys that dress up as women.  It is a turn off for me that that it's ok for me to feel like that.  
I need him to figure this out and find his path.  If that will make him happy with himself then he needs to go that direction.  
He told me that I don't NEED him.  I told him he was right.  I haven't stayed with him through so much because I NEEDED him, I stayed because I loved him.  I was honest and told him that currently I hate him.  I don't take that word lightly but his pain that he did was horrible.  
We are sleeping in separate rooms and being nice to each other while we both figure things out.  I am going to be seeing if the VA has someone I can talk to (I know they do).  I work full time so it's hard to get away and do all of that.  
Someone asked about trips - Canada in May and Germany in November.  


April 3, 2023 5:44 pm  #12

Re: So ... Now What?

Hi - My husband also told me he wanted to transition back about 17 months ago. 2020 stuck at home sent him down a rabbithole. He's been in therapy for 10 months and now he feels he is as he always was - gender fluid (mostly male) and liking soft clothing in the privacy of our home.
I'd encourage him strongly to get into therapy instead of digging deeper on the websites because like anything else one can get addicted and think it's more than it really is.
As for your travels, as you are leaving the country I do have one concern. If you go alone, he will be in the states with your bank accounts. Do begin to protect your assets...


April 3, 2023 6:12 pm  #13

Re: So ... Now What?

I don't think you said if where you live is in your name, his name of both names. Before you go away it would be a good idea to consult an attorney about your rights in case there is going to be a separation and divorce. Knowledge is power.

It sounds as if you could use a break so I hope you can protect your assets and go on those trips. His daughter's presence should be enough to rule out him having overnight guests of all genders..


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

April 4, 2023 10:16 am  #14

Re: So ... Now What?

Thank you all for "listening" .  He has reached out and already saw a therapist.  I've asked him to keep going and as much as he can.  Our house is under both our names.  Right now he is staying in our guest room. 
Grace1958 - it's funny because when I read your comment about him being alone with the bank accounts I automatically thought "he wouldn't do that!" .  Then I went... well I never thought he would want to be a girl or post nude photos of me either.... so there's that. 

Thanks Abby - yeah - he shouldn't bring someone in the house since she wouldn't deal very well with that.  IF I leave - I think I would be even more sad.  Sitting in a place that we were suppose to go to - looking around and not having him there to share it with me.  I just don't know.

Last night as I tried to sleep I realized that  "You can't unring that bell".  

Just very alone and scared.  Now what?  Now what do I do with my life?  I don’t want to find another boyfriend or husband that is for sure.  I’m done with it.  Will I travel?  I doubt it because it would only make me sad because we were supposed to do that together - so close to spending our retirement together and traveling. 
I wish he would just give me an answer and then we can move on – no matter which way we go.  But I don’t know what that is going to look like.
If he says he will be a guy because he wants to be – will I always wonder and wait for the day he leaves me?   How do I unsee him wanting to be a woman> Dressing like a woman. Wanting to be with a guy.

It's like a slow death of a marriage.  I'm pissed, hurt, betrayed... just everything and nothing all at the same time.  I want to punch something, I want to yell and scream.. but I just sit here waiting.  

16 years... 16 years... I'm just not sure how to ... what to do.  

     Thread Starter

April 4, 2023 12:08 pm  #15

Re: So ... Now What?


It is a shock.  Please read the first aid thread we have.

You ask a lot of questions. Like what to do..you don't have to decide everything at once because  as you're seeing it can be overwhelming.

Definitely start building a support system..it may start with a therapist for you.  You took some good first steps like sleeping away from him..you need to feel safe and unhurt.  Start with more small steps.

You could go and open your own bank account as another step..to use or not..it will give you some sense of control..I cried the entire time ope ing one bit it needed to be done. 

Be kind to yourself and know you did nothing wrong to cause any of this..

Wishing you strength and fortitude.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

April 4, 2023 12:47 pm  #16

Re: So ... Now What?

Thanks Rob.  I'm such a long term planner and this has me just so lost at what to do.  How do I plan for something that I don't know? I have reached out to the support page here and hoping they will contact me soon.  I actually opened another bank account and have start putting some money in it.  It's just a savings account but it's a start.  
Yes- I agree - I need to be kind to myself.  That is hard right now.  I know I did nothing wrong and that I will get through this.  Just totally sucks

     Thread Starter

April 5, 2023 11:12 am  #17

Re: So ... Now What?

The first few months I actually don't even remember what happened or what I did. It's just some hazy blur. I had wild emotional swings. I cried a lot. I went to work, came home, got up and did it all over again. I felt like a strange bundle of numbness and emotions barreling around.

It does get better. But it takes time. I am at 7 months out from D-day now and I still have bad days, but now there are some better ones. I still have no clue what I'm going to do with my life after being married for 2 decades.

Be kind and patient to yourself, and know that it is a slow slog to unravel everything. Don't make any rash decisions. Also, don't make any large decisions if you can avoid it (selling a house, quitting a job etc) until you have given yourself some time to grieve and absorb what has happened. Then you take it one step at a time.


April 5, 2023 1:34 pm  #18

Re: So ... Now What?

Thank you Anon222.  I'm trying to go slow.  Just hard when your world is spinning and when you had your whole life planned.  It's the death of a marriage because someone died... but they are still standing there next to you.  So confusing.

     Thread Starter

April 5, 2023 8:47 pm  #19

Re: So ... Now What?

I agree with you there. At the time I honestly didn't see how I would ever get through this or how anyone could recover from this. I spent an inordinate amount of time curled in the fetal position bawling. I wish he had died, it would have been easier. Instead it almost feels like the universe is mocking me....he walks away from a loving relationship with a person who would do anything for him....and I'm left trying to recover from a relationship where the person lied to me, manipulated me, gas lit me and I don't know how I will ever trust another person in my life ever again.

20 years. For 20 years he told me he was madly in love with me, found me attractive, yadda yadda. Then one day he just looks at me and says I'm divorcing you, I'm not attracted to you, I don't want to be with you, and I had to google what love is because I've never loved you and I want to go find a real relationship so I can experience true love.

So, now I'm not sure what I was for the last 20 years. We had planned to start traveling, as well as saving up to buy a vacation home. There was a long term plan. And apparently it was all smoke and mirrors. 

I empathize with your pain. And it really does sound trite to say......but this community proves that you will get through this. Unfortunately the only way to do that is to walk through the storm, so you can come out the other side.


April 6, 2023 10:03 am  #20

Re: So ... Now What?

I am still waiting for him to talk to me more about things and what he has decided to do.  I think he threw away all of the womens clothing he bought and took the nail polish off.  So what does that mean?  Now I really don't know what to do.  I don't want him to not be happy.  Nor do I want this to happen in 5, 10, 20 years from now.  I gave him a way to find his path.  He could move closer to his kids who will accept him no matter what.  I would do almost anything for him.  I've asked him to get counseling and talk with someone that can help him figure out what he wants to do.  I don't know if he has.  

     Thread Starter

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