First - let me say THANK YOU GOOGLE!  I did a search and found this site.  I have been at a loss and this morning things came crashing down.
 
I will try to put this in order… so I don’t jump around too much.
 
My husband and I met … how can I put this… because someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, posted nude photos of me on the internet and then sent them to my co-workers.  Found out he was already married… ended up going to court and had him locked up.  A story was done in our local paper where my husband found me – we went to high school together.  Hit it right off.
 
I have been with my husband for 15 years.  We’ve had our ups and downs but were happy.  We both just turned 50 and are taking two big trips this year.  Planning our future….our retirement. 
 
Almost a year ago we did a trip and got all dressed up.  I bought heels and all of this stuff (I don’t normally wear heels).  We talked about how hard it is for women because men expect us to be all sexy and that does take work (for me at least).  He joked and said he wondered what it was like being a woman and going out on the town.  I just figured he was trying to get me dressed up more and hook up with someone (something he wants me to do… I do not and will not). I thought he was saying that he would dress up and we could go out as friends so I could hook up.  I didn’t think anything else about it.
 
A few weeks ago my husband told me that he hates his body (Now this is coming from a big strong guy who said trans was a mental disorder).  He likes getting his nails done now (feet and hands with colors).  He said he likes the way womens clothing feels, he hate the hair on his legs.  That he wonders what it would really be like to be female and that is what he thinks he should be.  Now.. we are out for lunch when he tells me this….I calmly tell him that maybe he should talk with someone – not me because I can’t advise him or help him work through anything.  I did tell him though, I married a man and would not want to be married to a woman. 
 
Fast forward to this morning.
 
I woke up and went to update his game on his phone (I have one on mine and we both play).  There was a message on there… when I opened his phone I saw that he had these 2 accounts on a forum.  One for trans where he was talking about liking men and women (news to me) and another one that had nude photos of me that he had shared publicly.  They had been there starting back 7 months ago.
 
I was stunned and betrayed.  I sat there looking at this and just at a loss of how to feel.  He had been there for me through the trial and knew what I went through.  Yet he did it to me too.  When he woke up I confronted him.  He said he would take them down.  I left for work. 
 
We have a trip in May to go out of the country together.  Then a long one for 2 weeks out of the country.  NOW WHAT?  It’s just way too much to deal with.  I was on the suicide chat earlier today because I keep thinking that it would just be better for him if I was gone. 
 
I was on depression medication the last time this happened.  I don’t know if I can survive ALL of this. 
I don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want him to be unhappy with his life.  On the trans group he said he was miserable.  I don’t want that for him.  I don’t want that for me.  We don’t have any kids together (he has 3 from 2 previous marriages).  One lives with us because of medical issue but all are adults. 
 
I truly don’t even know where to start with any of this.  My whole world has crashed and I just don’t feel like picking up the pieces yet again.