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March 31, 2023 2:12 pm  #1

So ... Now What?

First - let me say THANK YOU GOOGLE!  I did a search and found this site.  I have been at a loss and this morning things came crashing down.
I will try to put this in order… so I don’t jump around too much.
My husband and I met … how can I put this… because someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, posted nude photos of me on the internet and then sent them to my co-workers.  Found out he was already married… ended up going to court and had him locked up.  A story was done in our local paper where my husband found me – we went to high school together.  Hit it right off.
I have been with my husband for 15 years.  We’ve had our ups and downs but were happy.  We both just turned 50 and are taking two big trips this year.  Planning our future….our retirement. 
Almost a year ago we did a trip and got all dressed up.  I bought heels and all of this stuff (I don’t normally wear heels).  We talked about how hard it is for women because men expect us to be all sexy and that does take work (for me at least).  He joked and said he wondered what it was like being a woman and going out on the town.  I just figured he was trying to get me dressed up more and hook up with someone (something he wants me to do… I do not and will not). I thought he was saying that he would dress up and we could go out as friends so I could hook up.  I didn’t think anything else about it.
A few weeks ago my husband told me that he hates his body (Now this is coming from a big strong guy who said trans was a mental disorder).  He likes getting his nails done now (feet and hands with colors).  He said he likes the way womens clothing feels, he hate the hair on his legs.  That he wonders what it would really be like to be female and that is what he thinks he should be.  Now.. we are out for lunch when he tells me this….I calmly tell him that maybe he should talk with someone – not me because I can’t advise him or help him work through anything.  I did tell him though, I married a man and would not want to be married to a woman. 
Fast forward to this morning.
I woke up and went to update his game on his phone (I have one on mine and we both play).  There was a message on there… when I opened his phone I saw that he had these 2 accounts on a forum.  One for trans where he was talking about liking men and women (news to me) and another one that had nude photos of me that he had shared publicly.  They had been there starting back 7 months ago.
I was stunned and betrayed.  I sat there looking at this and just at a loss of how to feel.  He had been there for me through the trial and knew what I went through.  Yet he did it to me too.  When he woke up I confronted him.  He said he would take them down.  I left for work. 
We have a trip in May to go out of the country together.  Then a long one for 2 weeks out of the country.  NOW WHAT?  It’s just way too much to deal with.  I was on the suicide chat earlier today because I keep thinking that it would just be better for him if I was gone. 
I was on depression medication the last time this happened.  I don’t know if I can survive ALL of this. 
I don’t want to be with a woman and I don’t want him to be unhappy with his life.  On the trans group he said he was miserable.  I don’t want that for him.  I don’t want that for me.  We don’t have any kids together (he has 3 from 2 previous marriages).  One lives with us because of medical issue but all are adults. 
I truly don’t even know where to start with any of this.  My whole world has crashed and I just don’t feel like picking up the pieces yet again.


March 31, 2023 2:39 pm  #2

Re: So ... Now What?

Lost @ 50 wrote:

.......I was on depression medication the last time this happened.  I don’t know if I can survive ALL of this......


Welcome to our Forum Lost  
First thing I'll say is....yes you will survive this. You'll survive ALL of it because you've taken on the responsibility of feeling that you have  to be the one who helps your adult husband through his identity crisis....and how wrong is that?!!! It's probably been very easy for your husband to illicit empathy from the woman who married and loves him
and who kept how he feels, and how far he's gone (the secret accounts) to keep it from you....because you love him. 

The second thing I'll say is.....this  Mindfuck is no walk in the park. And to be resolute about what you want and don't want in your life is easier if you decide now what you're not willing to accept. Once you've decided that which you're not willing to accept (a man who wants to be a woman) your decisions may be easier.

Are  you talking to anybody about this? It's so important you don't keep it bottled up inside..


KIA KAHA                       

March 31, 2023 2:46 pm  #3

Re: So ... Now What?

I don't have anyone to talk to 

     Thread Starter

March 31, 2023 3:58 pm  #4

Re: So ... Now What?

Look I'm really sorry but I do think you need to be bothered about the photos.  How easy was it to pick up his phone and find it?  Could he have been hoping you would?  

Very sorry but it's such a big divide between him, posting the photos of you online and you, still loving him and caring about him first.

I think you need a support person on the ground.  Keep talking here we can help but talking to someone in your life will help put this all into focus.

Last edited by lily (March 31, 2023 3:59 pm)


March 31, 2023 4:14 pm  #5

Re: So ... Now What?

Were you going ahead with the travel ? Sounds like you would be taking a large elephant with you.
Keep that phone # on speed dial. Suicide is not the answer. Do not listen to that voice. It's a liar.
If possible, see if you can find a trauma counselor. His picture posting is a big betrayal of trust.

Please check in any time you need to say something. Even if it's just to vent. We are fellow survivors at various stages.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

March 31, 2023 5:52 pm  #6

Re: So ... Now What?

Hello lost,

So sorry this happened to you.   Yes, you do need support. OurPath has one-on-one support from volunteers:  https://ourpath.org/find-support/

Do you have any trusted family, friends or clergy members you can speak to? Not sure if your h is pressuring you to keep his secrets. It doesn't help and  may make you feel worse for bottling it up. Contact a therapist for help, too.

Putting your personal photos in public is domestic abuse and a breech of trust.  It's a crime he committed against you.  I'm outraged.

This is my opinion only. I would cancel that trip in May for the both of you. A wife can do that.   No need for you to be alone with him far from home. No need for him to have a good time alone if you stay home considering the suffering he's caused. 

Please check in here when you need to. Again, very sorry this happened.

Edited to add: Kick him out of the house and change the locks. This is what I'd tell any friend.

Last edited by MJM017 (March 31, 2023 5:55 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

March 31, 2023 5:55 pm  #7

Re: So ... Now What?

Lost @ 50 wrote:

I don't have anyone to talk to 

A good friend? A family member who will keep your confidence?

Are you still having sex with your husband?


KIA KAHA                       

March 31, 2023 7:26 pm  #8

Re: So ... Now What?

I'm the "bread winner" and he stays home (retirement).  We haven't had sex in 2 weeks.  I just don't feel attracted to him. There is just no one.  I go to work and I come home.  I have our dogs and him.  I've always liked it that way.  
As for the trips.  I just don't know what to do.... Maybe go by myself to the one in May.  Then figure out what to do in December (big trip).  Money is already spent and can't get any of it back other than a very small portion.
I came home from work and just haven't said much to him.  I just can't.  We can't discuss anything because his autistic daughter (30) lives with us and it's a small house.  
On my way home I kept hoping someone would run me off the road and i would die.  i would just be easier.  All of this and not even dealing with the "he suddenly likes guys and may want to be a girl".

I feel like I'm drowning.

     Thread Starter

March 31, 2023 9:47 pm  #9

Re: So ... Now What?

   First: if you have no one in your life to talk to, then call your for an appointment with your doctor and/or therapist and tell them.  They are there to help you.

   You are understandably feeling upside down, because your husband has pulled the rug out from under your life and all your prior understandings of your life together.  His actions have also triggered your unresolved trauma over what happened before.  You need help.  Hotline if you must while you wait for an appointment with your doctor or other health provider. 

    You told him that you do not want to be married to a woman.  Hold tight to that, and do not let it go.  He has said he wants to be a woman.  If that's what he wants, it's not what you signed up for, and not what you want.  Realize that you can't change him.  You have control only over your own actions.  If you don't want to be married to a woman and he wants to be a woman then your only possible course of action is staring you in the face: dissolve your marriage.  Your task is to focus on what you need to make that happen.   

I would say that focusing on the trips and the money spent is short term thinking when the larger concern is the long term.  At the very least, you use the trip to get some time alone and away from him.  Getting out of the situation will allow for some perspective.  

  Don't have sex with him.  No matter what guilt trip or "poor me" ploy he may employ.  Having sex with him will only mess with your head further, and give him an opening to mess with it even further.  It is self-protective of yourself not to do so right now, both physically and psychologically.  

   It might be a good step to start reframing your thinking from what would be better for him to what would be better for YOU.  It would be better for YOU if HE was gone.   Far away from you.  If that will only happen if you move out, then that is the goal to start making a plan to accomplish.


Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 31, 2023 9:48 pm)


March 31, 2023 11:39 pm  #10

Re: So ... Now What?

Lost...the member above..OutofHisCloset
...is the "my husband wants to be a woman" go-to for info, websites, advice and a listening ear.

I just have a plain old bisexual partner who liked wearing stockings sometimes...lol


KIA KAHA                       

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