I gave up trying to understand it. 

It's like they wanted kids and to try being straight and who cares that it's not fair to us.  My GXs "try" lasted until till my kids were teenagers. It's funny because  she called me a bad husband as the reason but a 2 year old could argue she would not like any husband.

At the end of all this.. I concluded my GX just has a "broken moral core".

Last edited by Rob (March 19, 2023 11:19 am)

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

There could be any number of other reasons too. I know you want answers. I wish it were easy to get them. You probably won't though, and imo and experience the longer you look for them and focus on that, the harder it is to find your own life and happiness. Take the time you need! But know that the answers usually don't materialize and you can spend a lot of time searching for them.

Best advise I've seen in a bit! It's 100% accurate. Trying to understand why keeps you stuck, frustrated and angry. I dont know a lot of things in life, but I keep moving on and this is one of those things. I too, believe my ex is a narcissist/has NPD, zero doubt in my mind. Doesnt matter though, she is or is not, I am moving on the best I can and that's my focus.  

I haven't posted here in years, but am checking in.  In my case, I think my GX had kids with me literally to "shut me up".  I had been wanting kids for awhile and kept talking about it to the point where I think he was just annoyed and said OK.  As Rob pointed out, some of these people have a "broken moral code" and he couldn't have cared less about the commitment aspect of any of this - to me or the kids.  He just wanted me to stop yacking at him about it.  Our first one was planned, the second was a "surprise" and he was extremely angry about it and blamed me for not "being careful".  (I'm in Seattle too.)  It's been 20 years since my divorce, and about 10 since I finally figured out the whole thing and what had been going on, so I can understand why 5 years later you are still very hurt and frustrated.  For me, it is something I have never gotten over or been able to move past.  I know others have, and I wish I'd been able to, but it just didn't happen for me.

In the case of my narcissist GID ex-monster, it was the same reason she was in the closet to begin with: she wanted to be seen by the world as perfect.

My GIDX had an older sister with a handsome husband and a big house and two sons, and she wanted to compete on the same playing field.  She was driven by a rivalry with her older sister - funny that I got roped into it because the older sister didn’t really give a fuck - she was more openly narcissist than my ex!!  She didn’t care about a rivalry with her little sister because she didn’t care about anything other than herself!!!

So I paid the price for this icy competition between two extreme narcissist women who didn’t care about each other or me.

What a crazy mess.

I can't tell you why your wife did this, but here's my perspective after a fifteen year marriage to a closeted lesbian with whom I had three kids.  I blew the cover off her same-sex affair four years ago, and we divorced a year later.

I'm convinced that in-denial people who perpetrate this type of hideous fraud have a fundamental personality disorder, usually narcissism with a sprinkling of sociopathy.  At many levels, they are fundamentally uncomfortable with themselves because of family, religious or societal homophobic views.  They are fundamentally uncomfortable with themselves, and they try to fake a heteronormative life.  They are actors on the stage of life, and we are their unwitting co-stars in a play that only they know they are staging.  And unfortunately, not even the best actor can prevent themselves from breaking character on that stage.

They have no excuse for doing this.  They could have chosen many other paths -- staying single, staying in the closet, moving somewhere with more accepting LGBT+ views.  Choosing to perpetrate this kind of fraud requires a massive psychological defect.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  For me, things became easier once I realized that the woman I married was a character portrayed by a skilled actress.  That character never actually existed in the real world.