OOTC - honestly, I applaud you for your honesty. 

When it comes down to it, all of this really does have an impact on our sex lives. I don't have experience with my husband trying to be a woman, instead I found out my husband was gay. And....I feel disgusting and used. Looking back at my sex life I get to have the dubious honor of the only person I have slept with being gay and not actually being attracted to me.

Sex became so mechanical. And I feel dumb...because I tried so hard. And he spent a lot of time blaming me (apparently if I was just more adventurous or would do whatever, he would actually want to have sex with me). In the end I was a mess....I felt like an ugly, androgynous blog that was unattractive and unlovable. The sex meant something to me....but apparently he just used me, as you put it, as a sex prop. It also didn't matter what I wanted, and he also decided that we needed to take a break from P in V sex and try other things, which didn't work for me but made him happy *eye roll*

He didn't bother to consider that I had a right to know and have informed consent.

OOHC, my husband is GID, not trans, but your post resonated with me. Our sex life was similar to what Anon describes. It was all about him, mechanical, paint by number style--no passion, no enthusiasm, no cherishing. I tried hard, too--even went to a sex therapist (that would have been a good time for him to disclose). It didn't help-- I felt used and began to reject his "advances." I then felt guilty and blamed myself--and he blamed me, too. He finally told me he wasn't going to initiate sex ever again. I wonder now if that is what he wanted all along.
Thank you for sharing your experience, your thoughts, your interpretation. It helps me feel safe sharing some of my own.
 

OOHC,

I'm so sorry you lived that..it sounds very demeaning.

What we would do for our spouses..and what they wouldn't do for us.  A fierce love they can never possess.

Post edited-
Hello, 
My question is just this. Did anyone stay with their spouse that came out and or betrayed you, also the reason I'm asking is because I am wondering how sex with them changed? The reason I ask, is I have adapted to him, and included pegging into our lives, additionally he has shared his fantasy of cuck, with another male, and where he would be first with said male, and then all 3 type of thing. I did end up disagreeing with that, obviously I am not up for something so closely related to cheating but with permission.
I'm 4 years since finding him on dating sites with his penis and about 2 years since he finally confessed,  and shared his reason  (because he was sexually abused by his neighbor at 9) and also that he thought there was something wrong with him. He is attracted to women however, he’s also interested in looking at, possibly even sucking dicks, and having things in his ass, he always was masturbating secretly behind my back , and been caught looking up “ass-porn” on my computer way before any of this. He’d wanted to do that to me, and I was afraid. Eventually I tried, I’m not interested in that.  I am personally going crazy and I was literally already crazy before this situation.
. My husband and I had a fantastic and beautiful relationship for many years the type people envy, and I must go back so you are aware of the trauma I was dealing with, I had been through all the physical, sexual, emotional abuse suffered at the hands of my biological parents, my father is an alcoholic abuser, and mother was abusive, codependent and narcissistic, unknowingly to me since I’d never gotten any therapy in all the years I was a living in some sort of “fog”. My therapist called it that, I had 3 children who were grown by the time this came out, a son had been gone to Afghanistan, and at the time the discovery actually happened, I had been  barely healed from a hysterectomy and then emergency gallbladder surgery, we had lost his father at thanksgiving, and I’d taken on a higher paying position at work, so tbh I literally ended up finding his secret, and basically I snapped. I am also, new since this occurred Bipolar with mood disorders and severe CPTSD. I’ll stop right there with mental health issues because I’m in the thick of that, and I don’t think I’ll need to list the history. I have it and then all of a sudden we are told that my husband also has a bipolar disorder yet his the cyclothymia and that is literally distinguished by the hyperactive sexuality and constant need for sex, so his original story was the same basic story, he confessed to seeking attention because I wasn’t giving him any and I don’t really remember all that happened prior to this because my brain hid it. I know we lost our house to fire in 2015 and he immediately blamed himself and it was as if the man that had always been happy and loving and good went skiing right off the edge of the world and the man that returned was needy and jealous, obnoxious and rude, provoking any kind of anger or negative reaction he could, plus his own. I’ll admit, I was living inside myself and I was blind to just about everything in the whole world because I was walking around on autopilot and I didn’t even realize who I’d become. So, years and years have passed, he described living with me and bipolar as though he never knew which version of me he’d get. His love for me kept him in love and he never wanted to leave but it was as if he had no more joy to share and I had never had any to share, so I’d been living in his joy for more than 20 years and his cup was all of a sudden empty. So, he sought attention, compliments, sharing dick pics, sharing nasty fb messages, and texting friends, etc.
Tired of fighting,  and experiencing this, it's like we are playing a broken record and I don't even know what I think, feel or want anymore.  I am sure there are many more details but after I didn’t write exactly what I was trying to say the first time and it’s had to be edited so much, which made this way longer I feel like this is enough for people to form a thought on. I don’t know how to do this, I try to be loving, kind and thoughtful and every time it’s as if I am a actual B, yes, I can see that I probably am treating him poorly, yet I can’t stop myself. I have literally been abused, all of my life, and yes I’m grieving the man that I thought he was. I’m not mad for the sexual change, or even that he’s super horny, yes, I’m pissed about adding profiles, sending dick pics, and things he said right online but I’m more mad about the attempts at destroying me, when he chooses to lie for 2 years. I’m constantly researching how to adjust my thoughts, and be grounded , meditation, Christian lifestyle research, changing from the non believer to a Christian wife. It doesn’t work for me, but I don’t know why. I see my therapist every week and afterwards I get triggered and I can’t identify them all at once. So, I hope I got this story more accurate. I do believe he never physically touched any others, male or female, I do believe he is addicted to sex and masturbation and pornography. Thanks for reading everyone!

Last edited by H3ARTBrkn18 (March 14, 2023 8:25 am)

H3ARTBrkn18 wrote:

Hello, 
My question is just this. Did anyone stay with the spouse that came out and or betrayed you, also the reason I'm asking is because I am wondering how sec with them changed?

Hello HB,

I would suggest you get tested for stds.  I don't know how things would change. I imagine the true level of his interest in you would surface. There's no reason for your spouse to hide at this point.

--------------

My late GIDXH was awkward for the first few months. He improved somewhat but his acting like a kind and gentle soul endeared me to him.  After marriage, it all went downhill. I tried with lingerie and he looked like he wanted to vomit.  It was contagious. I felt that way about him shortly thereafter.

PS OOHC, that's heartbreaking.  My ex didn't present himself as trans like yours but my being humiliated daily was the overarching theme of my marriage, too. It's an injustice.