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February 23, 2023 10:32 pm  #1

healing sexually

As a woman, my body burns and I feel overwhelmed with the pain of needing to be touched, caressed, and made love to. I remember how difficult it was when my marriage began to decline sexually. I remember showering and crying because I deeply wanted a man in my shower. I wanted to caress his chest and admire it and to gingerly kiss his lips and caress his neck and kiss it gently. This desire heightened after I began to recover mentally, emotionally, and physically from the abuse of my then husband. However, it was with one encounter that I realized that I needed help trusting men again. I met a man outside of my medical building and he asked for my number. I gave it to him and we proceeded to text for the next five hours. He was openly sexual. He discussed kissing me wherever I wanted. Half of me wanted everything he was saying. This is exaclty what heterosexual couples do so why was the other half of me deathly afraid of a straight man touching me. You see, my ex-husband was a closeted abusive gay man. This is where I am now. Dealing with the need and desire to be with a man and not knowing how to go about doing that.  When the straight man began to discuss things in his texts I actually cried. I cried because I felt confused. I knew in my heart that I dreamed in my fantasies that I wanted to have a sexual relationship with a man. I knew I needed it. As someone told me, “We weren’t meant to be alone”. But the thought of trying to be with a new man, of trusting him with my body was scary. I thought how did my ex destroy me so? How could he have stripped my deep desires of men, the different sexual desires I had and force me to bury them down in my body. These are questions I need help exploring.  I am seeking a sexual therapist to help with that. In the meantime, I am working with my body to return to my true sexual self. While my mind struggles, my body needs the touch of man. My body yearns for a massage of a man who will slowly gently lead me day by day, week by week, month by month into a sexual place of healing. How long does it take to heal in this way? How do you go about trusting another sexual partner (male)? I heard of something called surrogate partners but I'm not sure if that is the route I should take.

Last edited by private (February 23, 2023 11:05 pm)


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