OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

February 22, 2023 9:58 pm  #1

When do things get better?

I’m moving in a week, signing my lease tomorrow. I’m also sick with COVID.

I don’t want to feel this alone anymore. She’s destroyed my life. I don’t know if I can ever trust another human being again after this. How do you get through this?


February 22, 2023 10:18 pm  #2

Re: When do things get better?

I am right there with you.

I asked my gay husband if he has even looked into the process of divorce. He responded that he hasn't had the chance to look into it yet. We've been separated 6 months now.

He atom bombed my life. I have asked numerous times to sit down with him to discuss the terms of the divorce and what we each want out of this. He has repeatedly told me that he will ensure I'm taken care of, he will not screw me over, that he cares deeply and wants me to have a great life.

And yet he appears to have absolutely no clue (or is blatantly ignoring) the torture that it is for me to be in this situation. I now have 1/3 of the income I once had. All the expenses haven't changed. All the marital debt is in my name (done for a specific reason....back when I thought I knew who the hell he was). I can barely afford to be alive right now and I'm working 50 hours a week. And I now have half the retirement income to look forward to, he drained "our" savings. The list goes on.

He is on a tropical vacation laying on a beach.

I feel cripplingly alone. I also believe that I will never be able to trust another human being in my life. I spent 2 decades with this man. How can I trust myself or anyone else? I had no clue this was coming. And even looking back....no red flags. I legit had no idea this was coming. He told me he didn't cheat on me and would never do that....and I'm sitting here tonight thinking that I actually should probably get tested for STDs....

How can another person be this cruel? I don't get it. It also makes me want to become a crazy cat lady and die alone.....


February 22, 2023 10:59 pm  #3

Re: When do things get better?

HereIn, it sounds like a cliche, but you really do get through it day by day. Perhaps give yourself one task a day, beyond the standard eat, work, sleep routine. It can be a job jar thing that needs doing, it can be something you enjoy, maybe something you wanted to do but put on hold due to "life, etc.". Eventually you get comfortable with your own company and gain some pride in how far you've come. It's a process, find what works for you. Don't focus on what you do not have anymore. Set some goals, big or small. When you're in hell, keep moving.

Anon, I don't think it's possible to understand why anyone would do things like this to someone they supposedly love. Sadly, there are deeply damaged people out there. Earlier you expressed a fear that by going to a lawyer, you might get less than you have already been promised. Based on what you report here, I think it's far more likely he owes you more than he's offering. And where is that offer? He's avoiding having to sit down and discuss it seriously. I think this is just stalling and he will continue this as long as you allow him to do so. How can you trust any promise he makes after everything he's done? A lawyer and a formal process forces him to have the discussion and lay out all the financial facts, whether he likes it or not. If you haven't already done so, I think you need to make notes of all the financial changes and arrangements over the last little while. Copies of the statements, etc. Marriage is a 50/50 partnership, regardless of who earns the 'bread' or spends the 'dough'.

Be strong, everyone.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

February 23, 2023 1:45 am  #4

Re: When do things get better?

HereIn, Mindless fun for even a few minutes can help. I listened many, many to YouTube music videos when I lacked energy and motivation to do anything else.

Anon,  I'm hoping the stbx is not using credit cards in your name during this vacation.  You can take action to stop this if it's the case.

Consult with a few divorce lawyers and see how it goes for you. I had meetings with them over the phone. I gained a lot of valuable information about what to expect during each stage of the divorce.  They'll go over the basic financial divorce laws. You may want to let them know he is making you pay all the bills and using joint assets despite being separated for six months.

Thinking about both of you.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

February 27, 2023 7:09 pm  #5

Re: When do things get better?

I haven't started the process of separating, yet, but I'm not looking forward to it at all. 20 years of lies and gaslighting and now I don't know  which way is up. I'm trying to get in and start seeing a therapist  to help prepare for some of this. The stbx is still trying to pretend nothing has happened and it's not a big deal and is just kind of ignoring me until I go back to "normal". Yeah, right. You don't get to tell me the best years of my adulthood were a lie and blow up everything I worked so hard  for and then act like I'm the crazy one. I love our home but we're going to have to sell it now. I don't want to share custody of the dogs. I don't want to have to talk about this with my grown child. I have no idea when it gets better, but I hope it's soon. I am already accepting that I will not be able to commit again, though. 


March 1, 2023 11:29 pm  #6

Re: When do things get better?

I moved into my new townhome today. It’s a mess but my 5 youngest kids helped me move and the 3 youngest wanted to stay the night. Everyone is excited and nervous which I guess is normal.

My LW stopped over for a while. When she left we hugged.I held onto her for 5 minutes. It was hard to let her go. 23 years… I still can’t believe that this is my life right now.

I talked to my brother-in-law for the first time since she came out to him a month ago. He apologized for not calling before, said all my in-laws count me as family and have my back. He said the fact that I’ve stayed through this for 2 years shows how much I love her (and accused me of being a saint, lol). He said everyone knows how much I’ve loved her, that’s it’s completely obvious. That might have been the best conversation I’ve had in years. I don’t feel crazy anymore.

Tonight I’m going to be okay with the fact that I still love her. I probably always will. I miss her so much. I’ve missed her for years now and I’m so sad. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to be okay with things being over.

     Thread Starter

March 2, 2023 1:55 am  #7

Re: When do things get better?

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I moved into my new townhome today. ....

Well...I know you're probably feeling kinda topsy-turvy and strange but having your kids there will be great.

I was talking to my son today, he's my shoulder atm telling me I can live with him and his girlfriend when they move cities but I know she is ambivalent about the situation and my son's trying to please us both. I'm feeling wanted but not really if you get me. And if love to be confident enough to have somewhere and feel I could be okay on my own.

Your news is good news Mpls. You will be stronger


KIA KAHA                       

March 2, 2023 7:48 am  #8

Re: When do things get better?

It is good news. You’re right. I have a harder time at night with this stuff.

My BIL also said that while he knows people should get to live their authentic lives, that this isn’t what I signed up for. He said he’s pretty sure he’d lose his mind if this happened to him.

It’s ridiculous but I haven’t heard any of that from anyone who hasn’t been through this. No offense to anyone here but I feel like we’ve all been driven a bit crazy and hearing that from someone else is very grounding.

Elle- it sounds like your son loves you and wants to be there for you. I know part of me wants my kids to choose me and see what’s been done to me, but I want them to have a good relationship with their mom too. That’s the best thing if she’ll get healthy. And they’re stuck in between and dealing with a divorce which is hard at any age. Your kids are going through a lot too which you already know. YOU are an amazing and strong person. You will get through this and have an  amazing life on the other side. I hope at least a small part of you knows that. I’m thinking about you, and everyone else here.

     Thread Starter

March 2, 2023 9:16 am  #9

Re: When do things get better?

Mpls:  About "someone else."  That you're getting support from family--her family--is particularly validating.  

Elle: Perhaps any arrangement you make with your son and his girlfriend to move in with them could come with an end date--three months?  six months?  a year?--or, if longer term, an agreed upon interval to reassess, and that would satisfy your need, your son's wish to offer support, and his girlfriend's apprehension about a third person in the household.


March 2, 2023 1:36 pm  #10

Re: When do things get better?

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

Elle- it sounds like your son loves you and wants to be there for you.,.....
I’m thinking about you, and everyone else here....

Thank you Mpls. I'm very aware of both the vulnerable pieces of a growing r'ship between two young people,..and my own vulnerability ending a 38 year one. If I wasn't as resilient as I am I'd be a mess right now but it appears I'll have to dig even deeper, be stronger.

And you're so right....nobody really knows how to address this situation with us. Give your BIL a hug from me.... I have a BIL whose wife came out early in their marriage and I know he'd be a good soundingboard but .... I can't/don't know when the best time to bring it up will be


KIA KAHA                       

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum