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February 22, 2023 6:31 pm  #1

Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

My partner has come out as gay and wants a divorce. I'm guessing you've heard this one before. But there are a couple of weird things about our situation. First, there were no red flags. We’ve been together six years and our sex life isn’t what it was before were were both well into our forties, but it’s still good and has been great. She has told me unsolicited that our sex is the best she's ever had. She initiates sex, knows what she likes, very obviously and intensely enjoys the outcome, etc. Anyway, there has never been a sense that something was off there. And the big thing is this. She's in her forties now, but she came out as bi in her twenties. She's dated women and had significant relationships with them, including spending time with her family and hanging out with all of her queer-friendly friends. Professionally, she actually has being queer on her resume as part of her work. I keep reading stories about people who's partners come out and they all seem to have two things in common: There are almost always things in retrospect that make sense after the revelation (not interested in sex, friendships that seem like more...), and they are always in a situation where the person experienced a lot of social pressure to live as straight. I'm just not seeing those things here. So I'm looking for anyone who has had a partner who was comfortably out as bi and in same-sex relationships but then got into an opposite sex relationship only to come out as gay later. Is this even a thing?

Last edited by Salamander (February 22, 2023 6:44 pm)


February 22, 2023 8:31 pm  #2

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

I'm one of those with a guy supposedly bi who switched to gay when it was convenient *waves hello*

My gay husband gave ZERO signs. We had great sex. Married for 18 years. He comes from a very open family, where his brother is bi and in a polyamorous marriage. Ironically, I was the one from the incredibly strict religious background. When I told him that I was not interested in sex before marriage....eh actually told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue dating me cuz he wanted sex.

And believe me, he took me on one hell of a wild ride. It started with he wanted to be a father. That he realized he had this deep desire to have a child. I am not able to have a child....so we went through the entire bloody adoption process. Paid the money. Did all the seminars. On and on.....and then he sat beside me on the couch one night and told me that he was bi and that was actually what was missing and then unilaterally cancelled the adoption. There was no discussion (but he will claim to this day that he discussed it with me and it was a joint decision *eye roll*)

So....left reeling from that little information nugget that I did not see coming. I come to find out that he has been fantasizing about men for 4 years prior to this and just never told me. Ok then.

He begged me to not leave. He cried. He told me I was the love of his life, I meant everything to him, he wanted to save our marriage. It meant nothing. I went through my own personal hell. As more and more of the deception came out. 

I decided, after 4 months of struggling, that I was in this marriage and I truly loved him, cared for him, and I would be there to support him. It was not easy. I am not at all interested in a guy who is attracted to men. Complete turn off. But....through therapy, a lot of talking, a lot of pain....we seemed to gain an equilibrium again. I sat him down and told him that my greatest fear was that he would one day sit down beside me, tell me he's gay, and that he's leaving me. I told him that I am not able to handle this. I cannot do this. That it would destroy me as a human being.

It was my one request. I said, if he had any doubts, if he needed time to figure it out, whatever...take it now. Tell me now. He promised that he would never do that. He learned his lesson about keeping secrets. He was 100% committed to the marriage, wanted this to work and was in it for the long haul.

He lost his job during covid. I worked every day. And many more crappy things happened to me.

Then, I was sitting watching tv Saturday morning and drinking my coffee. I was happy. Ironically, through all the self discovery I did....I decided that I was the one making it hard because I still struggled with trusting him. So, I apologized to him for my short comings and said that I was also 100% invested and for this to work I saw that I had to trust him.

In my blissfully unaware and half asleep state....he sat down beside me and said "I'm gay, I am divorcing you". And that was the day he atom bombed my life. That was it. That's all I got. No discussion. No forewarning. He was not even open to a conversation about it. He said I am getting a divorce and your thoughts, feelings and opinions mean nothing to me.

Then he used our savings to move out and get all the stuff set up for his new life. He dumped me with all the expenses and 4 pets. Shortly after he walked away from his life....."our" dog got sick. I ended up paying a $6000 vet bill. I called him (back when I was in this weird numb denial state where I thought he was a human being and actually cared) at 2 am. It went to voicemail. I left a message, crying, as she was dying and wouldn't make it through the night. He never phoned me back. Glutton for punishment that I am....I asked him a month later why he never bothered to return my call. He knew that dog meant the world to me. He knew that I was struggling. His response was that he didn't want to deal with my grief.

As he was leaving with the stuff he decided to take....he told me that he used me for the past 3 years, and lied to me, because he wasn't sure what he wanted. He wanted to make sure he was comfortable with his decision and that he made the "right" decision for him and covered all his bases so he could have the life he wanted. That he had 0 attraction to me, and felt nothing when he looked at me. That I was more of a friend at this point, and he hadn't seen me as a wife for years. Not gonna lie....I was devastated and I did yell at him that I am your wife, not your fucking friend. This did not accomplish anything, as I doubt he cared.

I do not know if he cheated on me. I never doubted him. I never checked his phone, email or anything. He says he didn't....but, I just don't know anymore.

He is currently on a beach vacation in the sun (one we were supposed to take together of course). As I work 50 hours a week and can barely afford to be alive right now. I actually can't afford to have an unpaid day off. He is aware of my situation and how fragile I am (I have significant medical issues) and felt it was the right thing to do to tell me he was taking a long vacation in a luxury mansion. 

And here we are. I am guessing I just got stuck with a sociopathic narcissist psychopath or something. I really don't know. But I have no idea who that person is. After being together for 20 years, married for the majority of it, and considering I'm in my mid 30's.....he is a stranger to me.


February 23, 2023 8:27 am  #3

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

Thank you so much for sharing that.

It sounds like your situation is a little different in that he was living as straight when you got together and hadn't openly had relationships with men. So this sounds more like one of the situations where someone has lived as straight, been in a straight marriage, and comes out as bi on their way to eventually coming out as gay.

But aside from that, dear god, I'm sorry.  You were really put through the ringer and parts of your story sound familiar.  Especially doing the work on your marriage and all of the reassurances that everything was ok and you were on solid ground.  I don't think my wife has been siting on this idea that she's really gay for more than a few days, so at least she wasn't forcing me to live a lie for an extended period of time.  Damn, that's rough.  You not only had your life pulled out from under you, you also had your life up to that point retroactively invalidated.  Just horrible.

And I don't want to minimize what you've been through, but you're only in your thirties and without kids, so you have the time and freedom to build the life you deserve.  With your ability to do your own personal work and grow, I think you have a good shot at having a great life.  Thanks again. 

     Thread Starter

February 23, 2023 10:17 am  #4

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

To me, "I'm bi" or "I'm a cross-dresser" (but not "gay" or "trans"), can be a hedge, a sly hint, a way to shade the truth, a way to make palatable the sexuality/identity one denies in oneself, or a tactic to remain in one's comfortable life, or even a way to accommodate the partner--us--to an escalation over time, like asking for an open marriage or a threesome or, in the case of a cross-dresser, a night out "en femme." (Please note that I say "can be," not "always is.")

  Over time, reflecting post-trans bomb drop and post-divorce as I put my life back together, I've come to see that my now-ex revealed to me what I think he believed were "hints" but which to me were not discernible as hints, given I had no reason to suspect anything other than what our life together suggested: that we were a heterosexual couple. There were other things that happened--incidents in which my now-ex acted in a strange way--that I look back on and say "Oh, that explains that puzzling thing," but that's not what I'm focusing on here: here I'm focusing on things my now-ex said that I believe I was "meant" to "understand."  

  I don't know for certain that it was his intention I "get it," because in all of these cases, he never followed up when I didn't "get it."  But as I analyze what he said, and how, to me it's as if he thought I should have taken the hint he gave, and he wanted me to suss out the truth behind the hint, or follow up myself--that it was my responsibility, that is, to discern the truth or seek out the truth, not his responsibility to tell it. 

   Based on what my now-ex later said about his feelings of shame, I think it's possible he couldn't bring himself to do more than hint.  But I also think it's equally possible that he was only too happy to let himself off the hook for telling the truth, and to displace onto me the responsibility to discern it from what he did say.  I also think that over the years the first reason, if it applies, was less important and had ever less force, and the second became his default, and that he grew more comfortable with his lack of courage and his displacing onto me the responsibility. 

And, eventually, having let himself off the hook by displacing the responsibility onto me, his resentment of me for the prison in which he believed he was living grew and grew, as if I were the one keeping him in it because I hadn't figured him out.  And as his resentment grew, his opinion of me, and his treatment of me, got worse, while he justified that, too. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 23, 2023 10:19 am)


February 23, 2023 11:21 am  #5

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

Yeah, I do think it's fairly common for coming out as bi or whatever to be the narrow end of the wedge in a longer move toward coming out more fully.  I don't think that really applies in our case though, because she would have had to have started that slow transition before I even met her.  I've had all sorts of scary thoughts lately, but even in my current state I can't conceive of her living as bi for years to prepare for eventually marrying a straight man and then divorcing him. 

     Thread Starter

March 1, 2023 3:35 pm  #6

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

I posted this in the group for straight partners on reddit too and got some comments and over 1,000 views. I've also read dozens of people's stories, and as far as I can tell, no on else has ever had this happen with a partner that was out as queer and having relationships with people of the same sex before they met.  It confirms my suspicion that there is something going on here, but it sure doesn't make me feel any better.  Our marriage is done either way.

     Thread Starter

March 1, 2023 7:22 pm  #7

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

Glad to hear the marriage is over, Salamander.  

Yes, I think your story is a bit unusual.  I wonder why you married her knowing she was queer - did you feel concerned, did she make it seem it was alright due to her being a bisexual?

The common trajectory of going gay in midlife is seemingly being bucked but unfortunately I think it's more likely this is simply someone with a disconnect - she can have sex without her heart becoming involved.

Do please reach out to family and friends, get support independent of her.  Stay cool, one step at a time will get you there.

wishing you all the best, Lily


March 3, 2023 12:40 pm  #8

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

Thanks, Lily.
And, yes, that was exactly it.  I didn't think her being bi was a problem.  And I still don't.  There are thousands of stories of straight couples where someone comes out as gay.  Obviously, this whole site is about it.  But they don't ever seem to be out and in same sex relationship before hand.  In fact, finding someone who is out as bi and marrying them almost seems to guarantee that they won't leave you because of their sexual orientation.  My story is the exception, but since it's the only one I can find among thousands of these stories, it's definitely rare.

     Thread Starter

March 4, 2023 9:55 am  #9

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

Hi Salamander,

Not sure why you don't think her being bi is a problem - would you do it again?

My ex was in same sex relationships before marrying me, but he didn't tell me about them, just about the girlfriends.


March 6, 2023 9:01 am  #10

Re: Was your partner out as bi before coming out as gay?

When I confronted my gay ex boyfriend about being gay, he said that he was bi sexual. I was so upset that I ranted at him and said that he could only be gay or straight. I hate to confess that I do not understand being bi sexual. I think that some gays and lesbians say that they are bi sexual because they think that there is not as much social stigma. My story had a happy ending. I broke up with gay man, connected with someone from my past and now I am very happily married. I wish everyone here the best of luck and please know that I am holding a good thought for you.


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