I just want to point out that it is not a matter of being strong or weak. And I most definitely can see the effect this is having on me. Having a mental illness and having to deal with C-PTSD from the extreme psychological trauma I have been through is not a laughing matter, and it also doesn't make me a weak person. What I experienced with his text was a physical reaction. I do not have control over it. But what I do have control over is my coping methods to get through the situation. And yes, I did. It took several hours but I did go through the process and come out the other side.

I get tired of people telling me that I somehow need to "be stronger" and just not let him "make me feel this way". No. I have diagnosed illnesses that are no different than having cancer and someone telling the cancer patient if you were just more positive you could beat this thing.

The straight spouses who go through this level of trauma that may not handle things with grace. May have break downs. Contemplate suicide. Take years to overcome it. They are not weak people. It's not a matter of them just not being strong enough. It's the matter of going through an extreme trauma response and whatever else is going on in their lives. Mental health already gets enough stigma in this world.

I appreciate the apology, and I know you meant well. It just gets tiring sometimes to have people view it as some sort of personal flaw that I just "can't get over it". Believe me, I have experienced so much shame and guilt over how I have handled all of this and beat myself up over the fact that it gets to me. I wish I could be a "stronger" person, who was able to move on from this and dig deep into my personal reserves. Instead, I am exhausted. I cycle through levels of psychological trauma I didn't know was possible. And every day is just plain hard. I am struggling with the fact that not only was my life now atom bombed. But my past has been fragmented and I lost my future.

I also happen to live in a place where I don't even count because I haven't had children, so in the divorce process I will likely end up having to pay the abuser that ruined my life (and not a small amount, we're talking like $125,000), besides being stuck married to him for the next 3+ years. Where I live, spousal support is considered "women being lazy and they should get off their a** and get a real job". Also, you are free to abuse your spouse all you want, you just can't abuse any children. So...once again, I see where I stand. In the eyes of the law, I mean nothing. Also, all divorces are now no fault....no matter what happened in the relationship. It's quite disgusting really. He also has the legal right to take my pets if he wants. I also have to pay him the equivalent of what they cost as they are considered property, if I want to keep them. 

I do not mean this as a rant towards you, and I really don't mean to be harsh. I'm just very tired. And I feel defeated. So, I am not able to speak as eloquently as I would like. The cracks are starting to show and I'm just not functioning well. It makes me feel pathetic....but I'm still putting one foot in front of the other.

Elle - I hope you are faring well. I have been following your posts as you go through the journey. I pray your legal system is better to you than here. Do you have separation requirements you have to meet before filing? 

It's frustrating. Everyone tells me I'm doing all the "right" things. I am in regular therapy weekly. I saw my GP and went through my struggles. I am trying some different med adjustments and I've been referred to a specialist. I have started regular exercise and working on eating healthier. I am trying to go out more and talk to people. And yet.....here I am. Struggling day in and day out. 

I see others in the same situation, which it is nice to have others who understand for support, but it is also so hard to see so many people suffering ....and to know there are so many people out there that do this to their spouses...

Anon2222 wrote:

I appreciate the apology, and I know you meant well. It just gets tiring sometimes to have people view it as some sort of personal flaw that I just "can't get over it".....

Well I never said it was a personal flaw, you did. And I see myself, all of us actually, as helping you 'get there' so in the end you can get over it all by yourself. 
It took me 25 years to feel something wasn't quite right in my r'ship, another 10 to fall out of what I thought was love and the last 3 to gather  the courage to start the separation process. Through it all the only person who really truly knows how this is affecting me is me, and every time something knocks me back or turns my stomach the only person I have to push me through it is me. So telling myself I have to be stronger is what I do, through fear of failure, through fear Crohns will rear it's nasty head and make me sick with stress. Every time I falter I take a deep breath and tell myself "pull your socks up, nobody else is driving this, stop feeling sorry for yourself" because I'm afraid I'll fail at the very thing I've never had to do. Be by myself. I just naturally thought this approach might work 
for you too.
That's how I do it. Kind of a tough love. Because, in the end, when everybody goes back to their lives....
I'm all I've got.

E


 

How are you doing Anon?

E