MJM017 wrote:

. I feel there was a void with him. I have no idea who my late ex really was emotionally.

I feel this. I feel like he is a stranger. I feel like I don't even know the man I was married to. 

I also honestly feel like I have gone insane. Like, in a legit medical way. I have several mental illnesses, and I have never in my life felt like this before. I have never gone off the rails, so to speak. I am suffering such an extreme level of mental distress and anguish that I am no longer functioning normally.

And, I am struggling, hard. I can see that he has done nothing but cause me pain. He is well aware of my medical history....and he has chosen to fuck with me. 

One night he lost it and went around screaming in anger. He broke a door. I told him that night I was afraid of him, that I was afraid he could turn around and hit me. His response....I hurt his feelings that I would even think he was capable of that because he would never hit me. Like, he was actually hurt and offended by how I could feel that way. And...I remember thinking....well, I have no idea what you are capable of anymore...so how should I know...

The day/night that I laid on the floor, in agonizing mental and emotional distress. Where I thought about taking a bottle of sleeping pills just so I could escape the pain....I asked him to please come home from work. That, everything aside, I needed help. He told me he couldn't leave work. Then he went out for supper with his sister.

When he finally came home, 9 hours after I asked for help, he blamed me for not communicating how serious it actually was. That I should have been more clear and better articulated that I needed help because how was he supposed to know if I didn't tell him. I told him that I needed him to leave. That I could not have him in the house with me that night. I was so very fragile....and he laughed at me and said no.

When I stared at him in shock, he then back pedaled and said oh he could, but it was late, and where was he supposed to go and how could I do this to him. He had to work tomorrow. At that point I was just numb so told him to do what he wanted to do. 

I have struggled with feeling worthless and broken because of my mental health. And why I couldn't just "suck it up" or deal with things better. Constantly blamed myself for being too sensitive, and that somehow it was my fault. I have spent so much time telling myself that if only I reacted better, provided more support, didn't have this stupid broken brain, could just be normal....

Last night I thought about it. If I had cancer, would people fuck around with me? Would people tell me to just deal with the chemo side effects better? Or recover from surgery faster? Would people find it ok for him to mock a cancer patient? Or call him brave for dumping his cancer riddled wife in the shittiest way possible?

I told him at the beginning of this whole thing (when he made his announcement of being "bi" and frying panned me in the face with it).....that I could not handle it if he one day sat me down and said I'm gay and I'm leaving you. I was completely honest, vulnerable, and I laid it out on the line. I told him, that he would destroy me as a person if he did that. He promised to never do that to me. He promised to discuss the issues with me. That if any doubts arose, he would discuss it with me. We would work together. There would be no surprises.

And then he chose to lie. To my face. And fuck around with my mind. And I thought about it. This is as cruel as withholding insulin from a diabetic child. He actively chose to destroy me. He didn't have to go that route. He could have treated me with respect and kindness. He could have discussed his doubts, told me in a much nicer/safer way, been there for me as I broke down, had a financial plan in place (and not drained our accounts for his new lifestyle and leave me with nothing). He could have called to check in on how I was doing on occasion. He could have done so very many things to treat me like a human being. Instead....he claims complete innocence in all of this. That he didn't mean for this to happen. That he regrets it and lives in guilt. Well...that's all fine and dandy there, but you chose to do it. Feeling bad after the fact does what exactly? So, you've apologized via text....but then abandon me and just continue to be a selfish prick.

I would not be able to ever do this to anyone.

I told him to leave me alone and not contact me. I don't care if my email sounded crazy. Maybe I am crazy. But I can't have him in my life at this point because he won't stop fucking with me....

Anon, So glad you broke off contact. This is scary. I'd suggest getting a locksmith to rekey the locks.  I did this and it brought me some peace.

As Lily said, going through a divorce is one of the most painful experiences.  If you haven't already, write down how you feel about your stbx in a journal for a few minutes a day. It's private and you can be uncensored.  It helped me unload my anger at the ex. I tend to take things out on myself. This helped process my feelings in a healthy, productive manner.

We're thinking about you here. 😊

Anon2222 wrote:

MJM017 wrote:

. I feel there was a void with him. I have no idea who my late ex really was emotionally.

I feel this. I feel like he is a stranger. I feel like I don't even know the man I was married to. 


And then he chose to lie. To my face. And fuck around with my mind. And I thought about it. This is as cruel as withholding insulin from a diabetic child. He actively chose to destroy me. ....he claims complete innocence in all of this. That he didn't mean for this to happen. That he regrets it and lives in guilt. Well...that's all fine and dandy there, but you chose to do it. Feeling bad after the fact does what exactly? So, you've apologized via text....but then abandon me and just continue to be a selfish prick.

I would not be able to ever do this to anyone.

I told him to leave me alone and not contact me. I don't care if my email sounded crazy. Maybe I am crazy. But I can't have him in my life at this point because he won't stop fucking with me....

You aren't crazy. This is exactly what my ex did, and almost exactly the words he used. At one point he was in treatment in hospital for several weeks. After he came out he was a little better at communicating, though that didn't last long. He told me then that he'd wanted to destroy me. Probably the only true thing he'd said in years. No contact is the only way to go when dealing with somebody who twists reality at will. All the self hate he had (and there is a lot) he projected onto me, and treated me as the enemy that was tormenting him. So confusing and hurtful to not even be seen as who you are, but only as a target. 
 

Anon2222:
Ive read your post & all your replies, Do know we are all here for you & this dark cloud will lift in time.  I don’t believe “ we” ever come out the same person, it’s a tragic Death of the part of our life that was all one big lie.  The mask comes of their beauty face & the real monster is revealed. Yes you want revenge, hurt him as much as he hurt you & yet loving him so deeply wishing it could all go away & the two of you together as it once was.   As painful as it is please know he did you the biggest favor.  He removed his Mask, you now know beyond a shadow of doubt the Monster He Is’ & Freeing you from his chains of dark evilness of Lies’ & Deceptions.  You are Free to love again & someone to love you for the beautiful person you are in truth & sincerity.  
Hugs 🤗💟
 

Last edited by True (February 28, 2023 9:54 am)

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

True wrote:

..... 

True.... The word "rainbow" in your post might not be the most mindful word to use in a Forum full of straightspouses who've been damaged by people who use rainbows as their flag

Elle
 

Ok, I had to laugh at this. I actually have PTSD symptoms when I see the stupid rainbow anything now. I didn't know it was possible to hate a bloody rainbow. But I absolutely cannot deal with the site of anything rainbow right now. So, I am hoping that trigger will settle down over time....