Thanks Elle. I have been reading your updates as well. It is a long road to walk.

I get told all the time that I'm doing so well in all this and I'm so strong. I don't feel that way though. Mainly I feel like I'm walking a fine line between sanity and insanity. And the depression is just so debilitating. I have days where I don't get out of bed. I also am not feeling well physically. I don't know if it's stress, exhaustion or what but I've been having some disturbing symptoms. I have a doc appointment booked to go over it. But, something is off. Which is so not helping.

One step at a time I guess is all we can do! Keep up the good fight!

I don't have a profound answer, Anon, but I just wanted to say I see your post and your view and experience matters. Your expressing it matters, even if it a limited circle sees it. We need more people to share their experiences so eventually, someday, the general public recognizes the depth of harm to the straight person.

I can empathize with several of the things you've said. Many times in the past 8-9 years I've felt total depression and great fear and suffocation from a culture I can't escape for heavily supporting someone (and others) who perpetrate acute harm, and for provide excuses for and idealization of those people. Those third-parties not seeing or being willing to speak about the wrongs of the individual or their own contribution to violence. In short, I think it's narcissistic and silly in general to believe "love wins" or that good has triumphed, regardless of one's orientation. It's a perpetuation of humans being what we have always been. (Possibly a psychological trick-- blindness and/or bias based in the ego.)

I've gotten to a point of severe depression and burnout at times, and a point of thinking people are bad (particularly related to the the idea that we are at an enlightened point in supporting individual minorities who've been blatantly cruel and selfish most of their lives). At this point, my conclusion is somewhat bland. I can relate to this:

"I miss the old me. I was naïve as hell....but that me had a passion for life and wanted to make the world a better place. I believed in true love. I believed I had a purpose in life. I had dreams, aspirations and plans. Now I just have an empty shell left that is listless, disillusioned".

Except I wouldn't say I was naïve-- I was intentionally and directly lied to, misled, and emotionally abused by someone who turned out to be irresponsible, completely disregarding of the people he made closest in his life, and selfish.

Perhaps you should give yourself more credit. Giving to others shows strength. Your positivity and caring matters to those you interact with.

I'm sorry so much bad has happened to you from multiple areas in your life at once; that's a lot to deal with.

"basically feel like I'm just on the look out to see who or what is going to fuck me over next."

I also get that, and it makes sense given what you've experienced in succession. 

I think I've become far, far, less social than I used to be because I disagree with others on what is considered fundamentally moral and acceptable on this issue. It is *violent* in itself to actively ignore the lives of straight people who've been abused so many years of their lives on something that matters foundationally. Decades-- and people celebrate those who've been abusive. As if it shouldn't be criminal.

I'm not as social or emotionally generous as I used to be. I certainly don't take people at their word as much anymore, because out of this experience, I've come to see that people may not know themselves as well as they think they do, and they have only examined, *and only care to examine* the angles that they wish to. (Generally, my takeaway from the Pride movement is daily proof of the celebration of human ego.)

But I do see that people actually try to be good when they can. The problem to me is that they don't see how wrong they are even when they think they're good people. I think people try to put their energy toward making the world better when they can. But they don't budge on some things. Preferences and bias are inherent. That's how it's always been. 

I don't think people are less bad than they used to be-- it's just that your experiences have tainted your energy and optimism. Which is completely unavoidable.

Focus on yourself. Your health. Your spirit. Your presence. Gain strength in yourself. 

The difficulty for me is still how to start integrating people again when I'm independent. Because we do have to-- our lives are richer with interpersonal relationships. Not just independent strength.

I also agree with this-- "You're a strong, resilient woman Anon. You've told us you are, we read it and see it."

" I actually ended up changing careers because I just couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't spend another day being nice and trying to help the assholes in this world."

I understand where you're coming from. And frankly, I don't think it requires a straight spouse to understand that because that's easy to find across the world. Protective barriers are important because people can use others, regardless of the cause. You need to find what motivates and inspires you. What you love (like your dog) even if others don't see what you see. 

I think it's possible for you to find more energy and optimism over time, even if you continue to feel emptiness and loss.

That's my two cents. I wish you well.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

.....I wasn't going to let him determine the outcome of my life.  I wasn't going to allow him and his character flaws to prevail.  I wasn't going to let him and his betrayal be the sum total of my life.......

This....is gold 🤗

E
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

OutofHisCloset wrote:

.....I wasn't going to let him determine the outcome of my life.  I wasn't going to allow him and his character flaws to prevail.  I wasn't going to let him and his betrayal be the sum total of my life.......

This....is gold 🤗

E
 

OOHC,

That is gold.   At some point I did not want her and what she did to be my story.   I/we are so much more than what happened to us.   

Who made them Gods that they could dictate our lives.  I could see clearing when my GX was screaming at me..how her screaming and throwing things would somehow make what she was saying and doing true and ok.  They are not God's but rather very broken and hurtful people..not normal.