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February 7, 2023 5:00 pm  #1


Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

Hi Everyone,
I am new to this forum as well as to Mixed Orientation Relationships. I was posting here just to see if I could get some advice or ideas that other people have tried. 

So I have been with my husband for almost 12 years (12 years together and almost 5 years married). Early on in the relationship, my husband was honest with me about being unsure of his sexuality. He almost had a chance to experiment but at the end chickened out. Then he met me, we fell in love, and got married. 

Around Christmas time, my husband's father passed away. He didn't have a close relationship with his father but he had guilt, shame, and regrets. A month after his death, he went through some soul searching and really wanted to explore his pansexual side that he didn't get to experience yet. He didn't want to have regrets and his dad's death made him feel like he didn't want to miss out on anything because life is too short.

That being said, he did cheat on me behind my back. He downloaded Grindr and talked to some guys and sent them pictures. It only lasted a couple days until he completely broke down and owned up to everything. When owning up to it all, he said he identifies as pansexual and that he would like to explore that side of himself that he never got to. 

Despite the cheating, we want to stay together. We are exploring options in a way that will help him satisfy that side of him. We were completely monogamous. We don't want an open relationship where he sleeps around with tons of people but we are looking for ideas of what people have done in this situation. We love each other very much and plan to stay together. 

Another complication to our marriage, is that I identify as demisexual. So unless I feel emotionally connected, I don't want to have sex. So we have been working on open communication and things have been going better in that aspect. I'm just nervous to explore changing the relationship dynamic because I can be insecure and think it could be challenging. Despite that I am willing to make some changes in the relationship but I'm not sure exactly what my hardlines are and what I'd be okay with yet. 

If anyone has a similar story could they please share what they did and how it worked that would be very helpful!

Thanks so much!

 

 

February 7, 2023 5:28 pm  #2


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

Ok. Legitimate question....when did "demi-sexual" become a thing? Like, how is it a sexual orientation to not sleep with people unless you have an emotional connection? I'm honestly curious.....because I really don't get it.

 

February 7, 2023 5:36 pm  #3


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

From my experiences while growing up I never had crushes on celebrities or thought random people were attractive. I only thought people were attractive after connecting with them in an emotional way. All of the people I have dated started as friends. I know it falls on the asexual spectrum but as for when it became a thing I'm not sure. 

Last edited by linderjl12 (February 7, 2023 6:08 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

February 7, 2023 5:53 pm  #4


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

Never my situation, but I think it is critical to figure out where those lines are, and that both of you understand and agree on which ones cannot be crossed. How this change impacts you is as important as how it impacts him. It also seems to me that this is a moment where, once it happens, everything has now changed. He could later stop this exploration, but it did happen. Take good care of yourself.

Last edited by Daryl (February 7, 2023 5:54 pm)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

February 7, 2023 6:33 pm  #5


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

linderji12,

       I have to say that of all the ways that one might respond to a parent's death and one's "guilt, shame and regrets," I would not have placed deciding one month after the death that one has to go out and cheat on your wife with a man in the #1 slot.  I would have thought thinking about what behaviors and attitudes could prevent "guilt, shame and regrets" in the future in other relationships would be more likely, and doubling down on those caring behaviors to build on the intimacy of the relationship.  

   By your own admission, you are a person who needs to have an emotional connection with another person before proceeding to sexual intimacy.  Your husband clearly does not share that need or value it, and he doesn't respect the fact that you both need and value it.  It sounds to me as if he is engaging in a bit of emotional blackmail ("I don't want to die with regrets") with you in order to pressure you into agreeing to open your relationship.  Whatever you end up with, it won't be the monogamy you crave and in which you thrive.  


  

 

February 8, 2023 12:32 pm  #6


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

Neither of you is a straightspouse. 

This is a Forum for straightspouses who have had their lives impacted, ruined, sometimes destroyed by people who are not straight


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 8, 2023 2:04 pm  #7


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Neither of you is a straightspouse. 

This is a Forum for straightspouses who have had their lives impacted, ruined, sometimes destroyed by people who are not straight

I am actually not sure how this one works to be honest. I got intrigued and dug into the "demi-sexual" thing....and, not gonna lie, I still don't get it. 

Like....I never had crushes growing up. I was never attracted to celebrities, or whatever out there. I have to connect with a person before I would consider sleeping with them. I cannot do a one night stand, or FWB, or anything else of the sort. I want long term, monogamous relationships. And I won't sleep with anyone before a long term commitment is made.

So....then I was trying to figure this out, like, am I suddenly demi-sexual? And what the hell does that mean, and why is there a term for it? Like....can't you just say to someone you're not interested in sex until you build a connection? Like, I put in my dating thing that I don't do one night stands and I'm not jumping into bed with anyone. Do I now have to "identify" myself???

Like, where is the line in all this....."Many demisexual people consider themselves to be on the asexual spectrum. While they may become attracted to another person over time, they don't feel primary attraction, which is the initial attraction based on appearance, voice, or smell.1 However, other demisexuals feel that the term "asexuality" doesn't fit their personal experience.Demisexuality describes the circumstances in which a person experiences attraction. Who the person is attracted to can vary. Demisexuals may consider themselves heterosexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, queer, polyamorous, or pansexual. Regarding gender, a demisexual person might identify as male, female, agender, or otherwise nonbinary."This made me scratch my head....when did it become so bloody complicated? When did it go from being just your personality/what you're looking for/your preference to now all being named and spectrum and fluidity?

Like....I don't even know what to ask as far as questions to a potential partner anymore lol

 

February 8, 2023 2:38 pm  #8


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

Anon2222 wrote:

[......I am actually not sure how this one works to be honest.
So....then I was trying to figure this out, like, am I suddenly demi-sexual?  Do I now have to "identify" myself???.....
Like....I don't even know what to ask as far as questions to a potential partner anymore lol

Seems like this site is becoming more and more appealing to non-straight people. And I realise they have problems too but don't they have their own support sites? Why are they being welcomed? I'll tell you why....because in the end we see a hurt and confused person and want to help, that's human nature. And that is ironic yes? because that is the soft, polite, loving nature that landed  many straightspouses into the situations we find ourselves in now


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 8, 2023 2:43 pm  #9


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

For a time I thought I might be demi based on those same personal limitations you mentioned and did the same exploration. Although I was always interested in someone as a kid. I understand it to mean, in a round-about way, that you're attracted to the emotional connection instead of the person. That's probably not entirely accurate but it made sense to me. I'm definitely not demi. Wanting an emotional connection before you sleep with someone is an internal boundary. If you've never found someone appealing in any way until you had a strong emotional connection to them, I think you'd qualify as demi.

I think you qualify as straight if you are heterosexual. That's the definition most of us work with, not how much you want to have sex or under what conditions you are attracted to someone. I wonder what will become of our over-labeled society? It can be exhausting how complicated everything sounds but it's also good information to have. 

 

February 8, 2023 3:06 pm  #10


Re: Pansexual and Demisexual Marriage

Mpls:
 I was a college professor during the rise of the alphabet soup of the + that now appears after "LGBTQ" and the proliferation of ways to say common sensical ideas like "wants a monogamous relationship with an emotional connection" was almost funny.  And yes, I'd say the poster is in "oldspeak" a heterosexual woman who wants a monogamous relationship, one that fosters emotional connection and intimacy.  And in "newspeak" she still wants that. 

 

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