Lovehim1986 wrote:

New to this and will try to do a quick timeline of events. Met a wonderful guy, fell madly in love. February of last year he told me he had had encounters with men over the last 6 years, 3 in total. I loved him I accepted it and said we would work through things. 2 months later we had an encounter with another male, to be honest, I found it exciting but once it was over, I was fine and didn’t desire anything else. We were married in July and over the last year have had talks and fantasies about male play etc. He has never played alone nor texted anyone but over the last few weeks states his urges are stronger and he is feeling he needs to have another encounter. I don’t know how to feel, sometimes I feel excited others I feel annoyed l, I am just all over the board. He isn’t pushy with it but I can tell he is getting on edge with it. At night, it is hard to be intimate because I feel the topic will be brought up. Any advice? I love him we are each other’s soulmates and I don’t want a divorce, nor does he, but how do I cope or handle this without making him already more insecure about his desires?

 
I was exactly where you are...but 20 years ago. Yip indeed...love tends to push aside any confusing thoughts about things happening in your r'ship. Because who wants to ruin a good thing right?
Well certainly not the men with secret fantasies about sex with men. And the easiest way to get you to agree to "being okay" about an open r'ship is to make it exciting. The love you have for him will blind you too the uncertainties you'll inevitably feel.
The fear of losing what you have, what you think is perfect and will last...will keep you in a state of indecision for however long it takes you to realise that as long as you agree to living your life the way he wants... you'll always be living his life and not yours

I'm 65 in May Lovehim...I should have left my partner of 38 yrs a long time ago. Everybody has been living their lives while I have been, if I'm honest, living alongside my partner while he lives his best fucking life.

Decide whose you want your life to be. His? Or yours. And do something before it's too late

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 5, 2023 5:51 pm)

All I can say is I had strong fierce love and loyalty toward my spouse.. I loved my GX more than anything in the world.   I would have done anything for her...but
Its like that Meat Loaf song;  I would do anything for love...but I wont do that...

We should be enough for our spouse..  we should be more than enough.      I would tell him that and also tell him he is hurting you...

 

Lovehim1986 wrote:

..... Any advice? I love him we are each other’s soulmates and I don’t want a divorce, nor does he, but how do I cope or handle this without making him already more insecure about his desires?

 
Almost 20 years ago my partner (we're still together...38 years) after convincing me to have an open r'ship (exciting initially) wanted more freedom to play alone. By this time I was feeling pretty bad, low self-esteem etc and pushed back and said no! but it was too late, the damage had been done. My partner had an entitled view of what he could do and my trust in him had gone. For 3 years I tried to regain my trust in him, to get back to what our life was before the open r'ship. Couldn't do it. I ceased intimacy with him (3yrs now) so it's taken 6 years to finally realise I have to leave and I've begun the separation process.

Lovehim,,. it's not your job to make him secure about his sexuality. And certainly not when he wants to be fucking men
Of course he doesn't want a divorce. He wants your heterosexual cover to hide who he really is and what he secretly wants.

I was exactly where you are 6 years ago. I hate to say this but your heart will have to break, you'll have to see the unfairness of what he wants, and then you'll have to get a little angry.... before your uncertainty and confusion will settle and you can see more clearly

Keep reading, posting, asking questions. We're here for you

Elle