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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
HereInMpls2717 wrote:
...Kids are in an especially difficult, confusing situation. You're both their parents. Hearing that your parents are divorcing is hard at any age and what a confusing reason to try to understand.
My son apologised for not being in touch and said I have a place with him when he moves into a new rental. I'm in two minds about that. He'll be fine...he's my boy/I'm his Mum....but he does have a girlfriend.
Yes it will be tough for all 4 of them but in varying degrees I'm sure. My older son said "I may be homeless tomorrow but I can fit you in the car somewhere" LOL
E
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
It's not easy, Elle, for sure. In my case, my support scattered except for my father. He was my rock.
Mj....I feel like there's nobody who really believes that I'll leave. I feel alone. And that this will take all my strength and wits and belief in myself to get through
E
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Anon2222
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
I am right there with you in all this. I, too, feel very alone. One step at a time is all we can do. I am thinking of finally seeing a lawyer. I've been too afraid. I worry that if I see a lawyer I will somehow end up with nothing, and that it will turn into some insane legal nightmare that turns my life into a living hell....I also don't know why it bothers me so much but I vacillate between feeling guilty for not handling this the right way somehow, for wanting to talk to a lawyer, and for not trusting him enough in the process. It's so messed up. I don't know how I ended up in this situation where I spend so much time worrying about what I did wrong! And he dumped me!
Passing along supportive strength. As we all continue on this journey we were unwittingly dragged in to.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
MJ and Anon... Thank you 😊
Anon... Get thee to a lawyer. Now! You will feel so much better.
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Elle, I'm glad you got this conversation over with. I know it's been weighing on your mind.
It does get better, but it takes time.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Anon2222
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Anon... Get thee to a lawyer. Now! You will feel so much better.
Elle
I don't know why getting a lawyer scares me so much. For some reason it just makes things feel so....ugly. And I worry that somehow I will actually be left with less than he is giving me right now. I worry that if he finds out that I talked to a lawyer he will get even worse and try to destroy me.
- Daryl
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Speaking with a lawyer can be a 'crossing the Rubicon' moment. It is when we have accepted that this is over. There's no going back. This is why it can be intimidating. But sometimes, it is what needs to be done. It doesn't mean you will go to court for an ugly fight. A lawyer ensures that your rights are protected and there are no loopholes your ex can use to avoid living up to his side of the bargain. (I can't see how you can trust your spouse at this point.) You also do not have to disclose this right away. Quietly collect all the financials, etc. and see if you really are getting a fair shake. In the end, you can only control your own reaction and behaviour. If he goes off, your response should only be 'speak with my lawyer about that'. I think someone else mentioned to change the locks. Get a restraining order if it comes to that. All you are doing is enlisting the help of a professional, and that's fair.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
I don't know why getting a lawyer scares me so much.....
Going to see a lawyer will be a first step, but it will be the first of many. And once you've taken that first step the second, third...fourth, fifth will be easier.
I was petrified. Scared of my partner's reaction. But not anymore because I've realised he doesn't even think I'm serious.
Make that appointment Anon 👍
E
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
A lawyer can allay many fears , answer many questions and help you get a picture of what things will look like financially should you divorce. In my case my GX filed the divorce first and was shocked when she ask where I wanted to be served... send it to my lawyer. (hint it makes no difference who files first..she simply wanted to inflict hurt).
For me it became an emergency. When you have a pipe burst you call a plumber... when you have a cheating gay spouse you call a lawyer.
It was really relative for me...with my GX actively cheating and lying...I did not feel bad or dirty talking to a lawyer... or a priest, or a therapist...
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Anon,
What I discovered from going through the legal process of divorce is that my now-ex was not in the driver's seat, contrary to what he believed was the case and should be the case, and what would have been the case had I allowed him to dictate the terms or acquiesced to his terms.
The law, not your stbx, stipulates how assets will be divided. Yes, there's some variation (e.g., living in a fault state where cheating will count against the offender in a settlement), but the law is the law, and your stbx will have to abide by it and the judge's ruling, whether he likes it or not. I found it enormously satisfying to watch my now-ex be pulled up short from his delusional ideas of what he was due and his assumption that what he wanted should determine the outcome.
Judges see to it that the law is applied; your lawyer protects you during the legal process. The lawyer has your back, and can serve as your backbone when your own spine, understandably, is bowed by the pressure and the blows, and you can't stand up for yourself. To me, that is a very good reason to see a lawyer--for the support they can give.
Going through the divorce process, I realized the extent to which I was afraid, just as you are afraid, of my now-ex. I didn't know what he was capable of, because having been hit up-side the head by his trans bomb drop I had been made aware that I no longer knew--and hadn't known for a long time!--what he was capable of. (I realized, too, what he WAS capable of, and that was something I never in my wildest imagination would have thought possible--and included cruelty and apathy toward me and my suffering.) I also realized how much that fear, which included a fear for my future life, was driving my impulse to defer to him. I remember asking my therapist why I was having so much trouble standing up for myself in the negotiations over assets, and she said to me, "You've been trained by society, by your family, and your spouse, to defer." As a woman with a professional career, someone who believed myself to be independent and outspoken (and whom other people saw that way, too), that word "defer" applied to myself was like a slap in the face. But it was a salutary one--it was true. And once I'd heard it, I was, with my lawyer's help, able to better stand up for myself. To "speak [my] mind, even if [my] voice shakes" as Maggie Kuhn, founder of the Grey Panthers, the organization that fights for the rights of the elderly, said.
Finally, don't assume that your stbx isn't acting on his own behalf, legally and otherwise, while you are paralyzed into inaction because you are afraid to anger him. He is not going to protect you. And as time goes on, he's going to feel even less charitable to you and resent you for consuming what he will think of as "his" assets. Hoping he will keep your interests in mind and be fair is a false hope; he has already shown you who he is and what he is capable of. Accept that the only protection you're going to have is that you secure for yourself--and go visit a lawyer.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 23, 2023 8:22 am)