I don't really have much to offer, other than the fact that I'm in my 70's now, and so glad to not be tied to my ex (after 45 years!) anymore. It was hard and scary, but so worth it to be free. Sometimes I miss the partnership we had before everything fell apart. It's not easy being old and alone.  But it sure is much easier than having a person who didn't see me or want me in their life. If I were doing it again, I'd do it sooner, and I'd make sure he couldn't trash our finances the way he did. But even though I've had to dig out of a huge financial hole, I'm so much better off than I was. 

Last edited by W10J (January 30, 2023 5:48 pm)

Elle - I'm glad you met with an Attorney! I have been saying this quote every day as I wait for my GID Husband to receive our Marital Settlement Agreement from my Attorney. It should happen any day! It is scary, but I feel better each day. I feel a sense of calmness, peace, and acceptance! 

Facing the Future
Every journey begins
With but a small step.
And every day is a chance
For a new, small step
In the right direction.
Just follow your Heart song.
− [i]Mattie J. Stepanek [/i]

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (January 31, 2023 11:58 am)

Elle - Their partners should understand. I wouldn't get offended if my GID husband had to meet with his mom and sister. Do your children know you already live separate lives because of your husband's status? 

Thank you for your thoughts W.
I may have gone about this back to front as in I haven't any concrete thoughts of where I'll live. Or how hard this will be but hope there will be a cushion of a few months for those decisions. 
I've told one person of my intentions, a dear friend who lives overseas. It was scary to hear myself saying the words but we'll be able to talk more when she visits in Feb.

Did you have support when you separated W10...from family, friends?

I didn't have much support for a while. My ex has strong BPD/Narc traits (misses full diagnosis by one trait, but lied so much I can't be sure they actually missed the diagnosis) and had done an excellent smear campaign while I was too sick to talk or leave my room. People at church, our old friends, so many people bought into the story line of wonderful-but-exhausted-husband-caregiver-finally-finding-true-self-yay. Never mentioned that his abuse is what made me bedbound to start with. Even with our adult kids, some bought it at first. Ex is a very very good liar. I had one good friend that never wavered, bless her, who recommended a lawyer. One of my brothers was a rock, helped me figure out taxes and all. I put in the extra time and energy and hours of horrible interactions to negotiate a settlement that took his name off the house deed and got our finances separated. I'll never know how I managed that, but I'm grateful. So I have a place to live, though maintaining it is hard. And I've been able to build my finances back to a stable level, without ex continually draining the accounts. I"ll never get back my social security payments me hid from me and spent, or the retirement account money he blew through, but I can make it. 

Even so, things are much much better now. I breathe again. No more lies. My kids finally got what was going on, and that helped a lot. It took a while, but ex's interactions with them have been pretty awful too, if they cross any lines, like having a life of their own.  Some friends have come back, not all, but I know they're real friends. Somehow, things work out. I didn't think they possibly could, in the middle of it, but they did. 

Last edited by W10J (January 31, 2023 4:19 pm)

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

W10J wrote:

.....Even so, things are much much better now. I breathe again. No more lies. My kids finally got what was going on, and that helped a lot. It took a while, but ex's interactions with them have been pretty awful too, if they cross any lines, like having a life of their own.  Some friends have come back, not all, but I know they're real friends. Somehow, things work out. I didn't think they possibly could, in the middle of it, but they did. 

 

Every morning I wake up and think about my life and situation. I know what's happened will be with me forever. There is no way I can forget....even after separating....the years we've been together but I just hope for peace in my heart, and the knot in my stomach that holds all this Mindfuck emotion to loosen. 

Elle
 

I can't forget either. We had about 37 good years together, most of my adult life. That's a long time to be together, and I was all in.  I never imagined an old age without him. Then came several years, still married, that were awful, so mixed up. I was confused beyond belief.  I think that's the biggest benefit now, that easing of the mindfuck.  I still have ptsd to work through, he was so abusive, but even with that, I'm more at peace than I have been in a long time. Even with grieving the loss of partnership, I'm happy now. I believe you will be too, in the not too distant future.