It takes incredible courage to do what you're doing. You're making a choice that must be difficult but that you need to make for your well-being, come what may. That's seriously amazing. I wish you only the best. You certainly deserve it.

I waited for her to make a decision for over a year, then I decided I'd make the decision, but now I've bounced back and forth so many times. Too many feelings involved. I'm trying to settle into my own decision while making peace with never being fully confident that it's the right one. It's not what I want, that's the issue. But we don't always get what we want. 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Full of sadness, indecision and disconnection.

This morning I made an appointment for a phone consult, stated it was about separating. I have to do this now, and besides you all understanding why...I'm saying it here because I can't turn around now and say I couldn't go through with it. 
I'm 65 in May. If I live as long as my mother I'll have 20 more years and I don't want them to be like my life is now. I don't know where I'll live, or how but if I don't begin the end of us now I'm scared I'll be in this hell forever.
It's 7.13am here. The phone consult is at 12.15

Elle
 

Some jurisdictions still recognize common-law marriage but there the thing with that is that you held yourselves out as married, "Mr. and Mrs" on documents etc. It got dicey if the proof was registering that way for a week at a resort or on a lease and there was not much evidence in daily life.

The other problem is that there is no common-law divorce so you could "Mr and Mrs" everywhere and if either had a legal marriage which  had not ended by death or divorce you were sunk. I knew of a case where after the man's obituary hit the newspaper the woman he'd left shortly after World War II pulled out their marriage license and claimed her widow's benefits. The woman mourning his death was entitled to nothing.

I hope your attorney will fill you in on how the law will treat your relationship so you know where you stand. Don't be afraid to ask her hard questions.
 

Abby wrote:

. ... I hope your attorney will fill you in on how the law will treat your relationship so you know where you stand. Don't be afraid to ask her hard questions.
 

What concerns me most of all is that my partner is the breadwinner, his focus is financial and while I don't really think he will hide money/be unfair....I simply don't know, when faced with a split, what he'll do.
So really I want advice on covering and keeping myself safe so I give him no chance to..I don't know... Empty the account.

E

You can ask anything. I may not answer some things but questions don't bother me.

Initially she said she wasn't straight and didn't want or know how to label herself. I accepted that. Then she said she might be a lesbian, but wasn't sure. Obviously that would change things significantly for us, and I said so, but she said she didn't know. For over 2 years she's needed varying amounts of continual "space" to heal from childhood and things in her past, conflict in our marriage, etc. After the sexuality stuff started and she needed even more "space", I did my best to give it to her but would check in every month or so, ask what's going on, any progress, etc. Space meant freedom from me needing or wanting anything from her as her husband. Our relationship was entirely on her terms. For 1-1/2 years she maintained that she didn't know for sure, but would incrementally say she wasn't finding any bisexuality in herself, but don't give up on her. It was open-ended. That's what I mean by waiting for her.

I know it's confusing for her, but hearing that she never knew she was gay, but also that she's known forever, is confusing for me too. Hearing that she wasn't sure about her sexuality, AND that she's known she was a lesbian the entire time since starting to explore it, AND that she's been hoping to figure out how to be straight so as not to lose me and our family, while saying she's always been gay, never interested in men and was born that way (which I believe)... I can see ways it could all be true but it feels like i've been held hostage and lied to. 

I worry my story is hijacking your story. I don't mean to do that. Reading others' stories and how they're similar and different compared to mine helps me figure things out. If it's not helpful for you please let me know.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

. .....I waited for her to make a decision for over a year, then I decided I'd make the decision, but now I've bounced back and forth so many times.....

Mpls....can I ask ... did your wife know that you were " waiting for her to make a decision "...? Or was it just that you were hoping she would make hers first?
Because I know my partner will never, unless the moon turns blue and pigs fly... actually be the one to let the world know about the elephant in our room. It's always been me to angst and worry. And it's always been in the back of my mind that time is on my side...to decide to blow up my world

E
 

The appointment.
It went well. The lawyer was very professional, easy to talk to, open to any questions I had and I felt at ease with her. Because her firm believes in resolution and not ending up in court she left me with...kind of a step-by-step of possible ways to get through this. From managing it through calm discussion and negotiation to arbitration and court. 
I came away heartened by it and have decided, instead of,, say, broaching this via a third party (a lawyers letter) I will get my 2 younger children (adults) and my partner together and open the conversation I should have had a while ago.

I'm strengthened and petrified at the same time but I had the best sleep in ages last night

E

Edited to say....report on NZ media yesterday. A New Zealand rugby player comes out as gay to the world. I don't know if he's married or not but he's being lauded for his 'bravery'

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 30, 2023 1:44 pm)