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January 6, 2023 10:10 am  #11

Re: Husband GID or OW?

"I am trying so hard to put the sexuality to the side but I don't know why I feel like this - I need to know. Have I wasted years with a gay man?"

Honestly....sometimes I call myself "straight and in denial" because I still can't wrap my head around, nor fathom, that my husband is gay. It just doesn't compute. We were together for 18 years, and there was a lot of sex. So....what happened?

The personal and emotional pain is unbearable from his revelation. This entire time....I thought I was desired, loved, attractive....and instead I was apparently nothing. One of the things he told me was he had no attraction to me, at all, for a long time. It's like.....thanks? It has really messed with my head. 

I am the anxious basket case now. I honestly don't know if I can trust anyone again, ever. I can feel the rampant insecurity to my bones. And I feel incredibly ugly. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.....because all I see is the face of a woman who attracted and slept with a gay man. The turmoil is real.

Prior to him finally prancing out....I went through years of insecurity. Years of feeling like something was wrong, but having no idea what it was. And, he blamed ME for everything. 

When the sex finally went off the last few months before he came out.....he told me it was my fault. If only I was more adventurous, if only I did this, that or the other, if only I enjoyed it more, he would to. Then it was oh he's just stressed from work. I asked him point blank if he was gay and he denied it every time.

I did not ever look at his phone, computer, or anything else as I just blindly trusted him. Later, as he's explaining to my devastated self his actions....he tells me he even had to google "what is love" because he didn't even know what that was anymore. I felt like he punched me in the face.

This entire time, I loved that man. I gave him everything. And the fucker tells me he doesn't know what love even is and hasn't truly experienced it. The best part is when he was genuinely surprised that that statement hurt me.

It's like they live in their own little world.

Agree with the previous advice.....you need to start putting yourself first. Worrying to death and stressing yourself out is not going to change the situation. When it comes down to it....does it honestly matter if he's gay or not? He's treating you like crap. Even if he was straight, you deserve wayyyyyyyy better.

These spouses live in their own make believe planet and try to drag you down into their filth. Get out as soon as you can.



January 6, 2023 10:18 am  #12

Re: Husband GID or OW?

Lily, I think the woman who started the straight spouse network (now OurPath) is not Bonnie Kaye but Amity Buxton.  Bonnie Kaye is a counselor who has written extensively on gay husbands in straight relationships.  Kaye has a website, gayhusbands.com


January 6, 2023 10:27 am  #13

Re: Husband GID or OW?

 There's nothing wrong with you.  But there's something very very wrong with your spouse.  And I'm not talking about whether he's gay (he is).  I'm talking about the warped personality he has developed as a gay man in denial/hiding that leads him to attack you at every turn for his own problems and because he can't bear to acknowledge the truth about himself.  He needs you to stay to be his beard and validate his straight life, but he hates you because he needs you.  You are equally a source of safety and resentment for him.  

Don't put "the sexuality to the side."  It's the main issue.  

His "depression, self-hate, and suicidal thoughts" originate from within himself; they are not caused by you.  Even if they were (and they are not), he has options: see a counselor himself (and get medication), ask you to go to marriage counseling with him, ask for/initiate a divorce, etc.  What he suggests he "had" or "has" to do or feel is nothing more than a smoke screen designed to get you to see yourself as the source of his problem, so you will be tied up with "fixing" yourself (which you will never be able to do to his satisfaction).  It undermines you.  It undermines your confidence in your ability to see clearly, and your confidence in yourself.   If you are focused on what you're doing wrong, you won't be able to think--and he can deny--his gayness.  


Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 6, 2023 10:32 am)


January 6, 2023 12:28 pm  #14

Re: Husband GID or OW?

I'm glad you started your own thread Pink. You've heard from a gay man who's told you the signs your husband is gay. Now you can listen to women who have lived it, who know the signs, who feel the pain and who can see yours.

Is it possible for you to take an extended break from your husband, with family perhaps? just to put distance between you and him so you have space to think? To talk face to face...


KIA KAHA                       

January 7, 2023 10:10 pm  #15

Re: Husband GID or OW?

So, he’s gay. You quite literally have a mountain of evidence.  No straight man goes willingly into a gay sauna. It. Just. Doesn’t. Happen.

As for what to do?  That’s up to you. You can choose to remain married to a gay man who is cheating on you with men and is pathologically dishonest and trying to blame you for his issues, or you can exit this relationship and attempt to find the peace you deserve.  These are the only choices you have.

Good  luck.  I’m sorry you are here.


January 8, 2023 4:05 pm  #16

Re: Husband GID or OW?

Hi Pink Lady,

thank you for your nice words to me.  

It is a mountain of evidence.  The depth of your confusion is also undeniable - surely you aren't really doubting the incident at the gay sauna took place?  of course it happened.  I understand how you can be doubting it though - it points to your husband being as cold hearted towards you as my ex was towards me. 

It points to that because your husband must be acting like it never happened.  So while we are on the topic of performing - he is taking Cialis to have sex with you - ie he is planning to have sex with you when he knows he doesn't actually want to.  That makes it a tool of manipulation doesn't it?   Your loving heart is reaching out to him and he is pocketing the earnings.

Confusion is damaging, it hurts your head.  Spending some time away from him, even a few days, will give you a chance to regroup.

What I want to say is it gets worse with every decade.  So this is my advice - don't stay for that - do what it takes to get a few days away and have a bit of a think to yourself.  One moment of bravery, a lifetime to thank yourself for it.


January 9, 2023 3:55 am  #17

Re: Husband GID or OW?

Instead of writing back individually, I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. If it wasn’t for you lot I’d still be questioning why my relationship feels so “off”. Now I have my answer.

Except it’s not enough to confront him with. I just KNOW he will deny it all, gaslight me to the ground and make me feel even crazier than I already do!

My family are telling me to walk away and not worry what people think once he tells them all I’m crazy. My poor children. What do I tell them when daddy leaves? I can’t live a lie. I cannot let them grow up not knowing their daddy is gay. But if he will never admit it, they may go against me if they think I’m lying.

I am so stuck. I can’t believe this is my reality. I think I am still in some denial if I’m totally honest. Surely no, my man isn’t gay, he can’t be. But all the signs are there.

All weekend he’s spat a load of venom about gay men. How they are in the same category as pedophiles.

Is there any truth in gay men being pedophiles? I am very worried about my children now. I’m even questioning if he could have sexually abused them. This is so so hard. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Last edited by Pinklady (January 9, 2023 3:56 am)

     Thread Starter

January 9, 2023 8:57 am  #18

Re: Husband GID or OW?

I'm pretty certain there's no correlation between the two. Based on other experiences that have been shared here, it seems some gay-in-denial men will also present themselves as very homophobic. I believe it's part of the 'smoke and mirrors' they construct around their real selves.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

January 9, 2023 10:55 am  #19

Re: Husband GID or OW?

Your husband visited a gay sauna and had a sexual experience with a dude.  And that's only what he's willing to admit.  I'm guessing that your wedding vows did not have a footnote attached that would have allowed for this kind of behavior, right?  You've got enough to leave, and yes, you can tell the kids when they are age appropriate.

But let's focus on you.  This relationship is making you miserable.  I often think that the gay in-denial spouses try to make our lives so miserable to try to compel us to leave rather than ending the relationship by admitting to the truth that they deceived us.  My ex-wife certainly did this.  My now wife (also a straight partner) experienced this with her gay ex-husband. It's just a continuation of their cowardice and lack of ability to face consequences.  Why should you put up with this garbage?

You're never going to get the apology or factual admission from him that you deserve.  Stop seeking validation from a man who cannot validate himself.  You do not need to seek permission from him to end your marriage any more than he sought your permission to marry a gay man.

Good luck.  Keep posting.

Last edited by Blue Bear (January 9, 2023 10:56 am)


January 9, 2023 11:51 am  #20

Re: Husband GID or OW?

Pink Lady, you feel stuck but you aren't stuck.  It is great that you are talking with your family.  You don't need to confront your husband, just go ahead and plan your divorce.

You are lucky to have a strong supportive family - that should be an enormous help in countering the gaslighting.



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