Pyrolysist - Good for you. I'm glad she loves you enough to be honest. I hope it works out for you. I understand it's still the death of what you wanted in your marriage. You are allowed to grieve. This is a place where you can do that without judgment. 

She was straight as an arrow when we met and up until this summer.  All throughout our relationship, she’s had the ability to see a female as attractive, but was strongly against the idea of sleeping with a woman.  She even got felt up by a stripper once and it was not a fun experience for her, she’s never given any indication of being a lesbian.

From what I’ve looked into, I think this sudden switch of teams is from her sudden and severe attraction to this other woman, and I think that makes the most sense.

More info for y’all, I’ve got a shit history as a husband.  I’ve never slept with another, but I’ve had small emotional affairs here and there; conversations that went to far or getting too flirty with other women and then lying about it. 

I’m no saint, but she’s been by my side through it all.  I think these past transgressions coupled by the introduction of a new and exciting partner is spurring on what’s happening with her.   And again, sexual fluidity can come out of nowhere and be just as shocking for her as it is for me. 

Today she discovered that I’d very recently hit on one of our mutual friends.  I should’ve told her up front, I should’ve stopped it when I could, but I really enjoyed the attention from this other person. 

I have a feeling this is going to drive her away, this combined with her newfound affair with this other woman.  I’m holding onto the idea that maybe we still stand a chance, but I’m no idiot.

Honestly folks, I just want her to be happy.  I hope to god that’s with me, but it won’t be a surprise if it’s not…

I wish I’d been a better partner for her, I wish I’d paid more attention to her and been the husband she needed me to be…

Id still like to get more info on mixed orientation marriages and polyamory if anyone has some input

okay, that's good - I was the same in that I would feel attracted to other men, I didn't feel guilty but I did feel a bit at fault as a wife.

So here's another way of looking at it - maybe you found yourself just naturally still feeling open to attraction to other woman because the spark isn't there with your wife.

Pyro, I am sorry, but goodness, how can you believe she changed from straight to lesbian - can you imagine that happening to you?  Ask some gay men - do you think you were born gay?  Ask some straights do you think you were born straight?  Remember back to early adolescence - do you think you wouldn't notice who it was you were crushing on??

Denial doesn't mean doesn't know it means not telling.  

I'm not sure what sort of polyamory you are thinking of - the sort where you share the bed with others or the sort where you have independent relationships to the marriage.  I'm guessing the second which seems a more likely option but it's going to get messy isn't it - me I wanted to be free of the marriage before starting a new relationship and almost made it, falling in love with a man I already knew while still in the process of divorce. (it took 18 months).

 

Last edited by lily (January 4, 2023 8:02 pm)

So some tough love here...

You said "the best thing for me is to be married to my person, my soulmate".  I agree with you on the quoted statement, but do you think that your wife qualifies as "your person, your soulmate" when she has cheated on you, been dishonest about her sexual attraction (believe me, she's known about her same-sex attraction for far longer than she's telling you), and has cut off intimacy with you?  She sounds like she would fail a soulmate audition.

As for you blaming yourself for not being a good husband -- " I wish I’d paid more attention to her and been the husband she needed me to be"?  Garbage.  Your only "fault" is not being the lesbian that your wife never had the courage to tell you she needed.  In other words, you are not to blame here.

I'm not a big believer in "sexual fluidity".  Rather, I think this is usually a lame excuse that a lot of in-denial lesbians use to give a softer blow to their often life-long concealment of their true sexual orientation.  It's a quasi-palatable way to dress up their dishonesty, like they are the victims of some sort of sexual orientation flipping gamma ray.  My ex-wife tried the "sexual fluidity" thing at first, only to admit after too many gin and tonics one evening that she knew about her same-sex attraction well before we had even met.

Good luck, man.  You deserve a much better life than this.  I had trouble realizing that at first, and I wanted to keep my family together "for the kids' sake".  But it's far better for kids to be from a broken home than to remain in one.  My kids will unanimously agree to that, and being in a mutually respectful straight relationship will freaking blow your mind, and allow you to model what an appropriate relationship looks like for your kids.  And you deserve a mutually respectful, loving relationship just as much as your kids deserve to see you model such a relationship for them.

I know I'm being harsh, but your story sounds kind of similar to mine.  This is the advice I wish I had received years ago when I was trying to figure this all out.
 

Last edited by Blue Bear (January 6, 2023 1:50 pm)

Blue Bear wrote:

So some tough love here...

You said "the best thing for me is to be married to my person, my soulmate".  I agree with you on the quoted statement, but do you think that your wife qualifies as "your person, your soulmate" when she has cheated on you, been dishonest about her sexual attraction (believe me, she's known about her same-sex attraction for far longer than she's telling you), and has cut off intimacy with you?  She sounds like she would fail a soulmate audition.

As for you blaming yourself for not being a good husband -- " I wish I’d paid more attention to her and been the husband she needed me to be"?  Garbage.  Your only "fault" is not being the lesbian that your wife never had the courage to tell you she needed.  In other words, you are not to blame here.

I'm not a big believer in "sexual fluidity".  Rather, I think this is usually a lame excuse that a lot of in-denial lesbians use to give a softer blow to their often life-long concealment of their true sexual orientation.  It's a quasi-palatable way to dress up their dishonesty, like they are the victims of some sort of sexual orientation flipping gamma ray.  My ex-wife tried the "sexual fluidity" thing at first, only to admit after too many gin and tonics one evening that she knew about her same-sex attraction well before we had even met.

Blue Bear,
There's SO much here that I wish I'd know 1.5 years ago, instead of learning the hard way after my LW came out. She's destroyed me emotionally & strung me along believing we might have a shot at making a MOM work. Now, divorce impends, & she's "all in" on pursuing her new life, casting me aside after 3 decades together. So, Pyro, I'd run, NOT walk before even more damage is done.