Confused, I'm so sorry.  It is a nightmare, and unfortunately it's not one from which you are going to wake up.  His urges are indeed not going to go away, no matter how hard he tries to "repress" them (my ex described it as like "an itch that is nearly always there").  Men who feel this way often engage in a "binge and purge" cycle of indulging their urge and then repressing it (your husband's secret crossdressing, then his minimizing it or stopping for a time).  His shame over the condition is matched by the sexual excitement he feels when he cross dresses and thinks of himself as being a woman.  (If you doubt his wanting to be a woman is sexually motivated, ask yourself why of all the female things he might do he chooses wearing women's underwear.) 

  If you look at your husband's activities, you can see that they have escalated over time (he has gone from saying he believed he was dysphoric to buying women's lingerie for himself, hiding it, and wearing it--and no doubt masturbating while wearing it), and his attitude has evolved from "identity crisis" to "fantasy" to "wants to know his options"--this last will probably include whether he can and what he has to do to transition and live as a woman. 

   Escalation, unfortunately, defines this condition; the more he does, the more he is excited by it, the more he wants it, the more he does, the more he is excited by it, the more he wants it, the more he does, ad infinitum.  The behavior is also accompanied by mental rationalizations--every escalation is rationalized, in the service of what's been done and what more he wants to do. 

   Have no doubt that he will work very hard to bring you on board, and that includes by telling you he can't help it and doesn't want it--even while he indulges it in secret.  It may also include guilting you or appealing to your love for him.  I know it feels as if his telling you what he's thinking is a wholly positive thing that indicates your closeness, and it may be this; but it may also be, even partly, strategic or selfish on his part--an attempt to manipulate you to become accustomed to it and/or validate it, or his offloading the problem onto you, so you can take if up as part of your emotional caretaking role, which will increase along with his fascination or engagement with himself as a woman (in direct competition with the needs of your infant and small child).

 The question is what are you willing to accept and what you are comfortable with.  You know certain things: you are not sexually attracted to women.  You are worried about the effect of this condition on your children. It is not selfish at all to worry about the effect of your husband's desire to be a woman on both you and your children.  You are not a fool--this is a terribly difficult situation, one none of us has a lot of experience with until it happens to us, and our spouses vacillate in their responses or mislead us for their own benefit.  Your husband told you he was happy as a man; why wouldn't you believe this?  And why wouldn't we expect our spouses to be trustworthy (until they show us they aren't worthy of our trust)?  

  The one thing you should not do is contemplate suppressing your own feelings or trying to pretzel yourself into a shape that is acceptable to him but not to you.  Please confide in your doctor, a friend or family member who will have your back, and/or a therapist who will help you sort out your own feelings (if you see a therapist who appears to be pushing you to "get on board" with your husband's possible future gender transition get another therapist pronto).

  If you are the type who benefits from reading about others in your situaiton, you might want to visit transwidowsvoices.org to read the stories of other women who've been in our situation (my stories are there, as "Alison's story, Part One and Part Two").  The memoir "Sex Changes" by Christine Benevenuto details her experience with her husband's transition, and the effect it had on their children.  Another memoir, "18 Months," by Shannon Thrace, details her own experience as her husband became more and more enmeshed in his "female identity."  There is also an active online community of women whose husbands declare they are transgender at Mumsnet: 
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

The work by professional and practicing psychologists Michael Bailey ("The Man Who Would Be Queen," available for download on the internet), Ray Blanchard, and Anne Lawrence (Lawrence is transgender) will also give you some insight into what your husband is experiencing.   

Here's a podcast with Blanchard:
 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-is-gender-dysphoria-with-dr-ray-blanchard/id1583333120?i=1000542656201

Here's a podcast with Anne Lawrence: 
 https://gender-a-wider-lens.captivate.fm/episode/67-pioneers-series-men-trapped-in-mens-bodies-with-anne-lawrence

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 3, 2023 10:38 am)