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1 - ImSoConfused
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My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
I keep listening to all kinds of podcasts and reading online 1074836451 articles, but they all seem to be "Help! My husband has come out as gay." I'm really struggling with the fact that my husband has NOT come out and emphatically denies being gay- but has admitted to me (after I found texts) about a gay affair that lasted for over a year (it looks like a flirtation that lasted over 2 years) and has recently come clean about a few instances that he had with a friend of mine while we were dating 20 years ago. So he (according to him!) Is not gay but has had oral sex with 2 other men (that I know of) at least a dozen times since we have been together. My friend from 20 years ago says there was anal sex too but my husband denies that part. Not sure why he thinks I'd believe him since he's lied to me about this for 20 years- even when I've asked him point blank (I had been told there was an incident, but my friend wouldn't tell me more and my then boyfriend blew it off as just asking probing questions about sex toys). He keeps saying it was just about the risk and just about doing something bad (because he's normally a strict rule.follower).
I know.i need to leave him and I'm going to, but I need help figuring out how to recalibrate my brain. How to trust myself. How to untangle the parts of me that still love him from the parts of me that got lied to. And how to get mad about the fact that I'm still being lied to. Just last week he insisted that I KNEW bout the sex with my friend so that's why he never told me.
My brain is so messed up. I need help with the idea that not only was in lied to for 20nyears, but I'm still being lied to. I WISH I had someone say, "I'm gay." Then I could work with facts. I'm just working with all kinds of nebulous CRAP right now .
- Rob
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
Imsoconfused,
A warm welcome on this winter day..
That was the part that hurt me the most...it wasn't the gay..the gay was just icing on the cake to add to the hurt and trauma..a game over F U to me.. But it was lies and trauma of distrust..is she going shopping with this friend or are they having sex..is this friend gay but that friend is just friend as she says. One can go shopping at 2am etc...
The anxiety you feel is a trauma. I think when they start saying you knew this or you said this or you dont remember this...that is the diabolical gaslighting.. the confusion, that you think your crazy. Its an evil thing and that he can hurt you like this tells you all you need to know..doesnt matter if he's gay,straight, green alien..we should not be hurt like this to the point of confusion. It's not something we would do in million years to the one we vowed to love...its not normal.
Read the first aid thread.. get your bearings and ground yourself...build a support network.. know that you did nothing wrong and are worth so much more..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- gwendolyn_C
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
Imsoconfused - this is called flipping the script and mindFu**. Use your energy to determine what you want. My GID husband says he isn’t gay, but the facts tell me otherwise. I no longer expect him to validate what I know is true. I had to ask myself if this man is worthy of my love. I want to be loved by one heterosexual man. I realize my husband is incapable of fulfilling this role. After two years, the emotional roller coaster is too costly. Focus on what YOU need and want on this Earth.
The holidays are hard. I told my GID husband I wish love was enough to fix us. He says it is! I KNOW it isn’t. I am resolved to find another way to Co-Parent and LOVE under my terms. He had it his way far too long!
Last edited by gwendolyn_C (December 24, 2022 2:48 pm)
- Anon2222
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
So, I guess I'm one of the "lucky" ones where he did come out and say it (but I can say it realllllyyyyy isn't all it's made out to be either). But, it took years to get there. He strung me along. Denied. Lied to my face. Assured me he wasn't gay. On and on. For years.
Turns out, during those years he was "finding himself", figuring it out, and detaching himself from the marriage. So, he took years to deal with everything and get to a "happy place"....then told me and walked out. And I got stuck with a HAPPY gay husband who waltzed out of my life and told me how just so damn happy he was after moving out. How everything has worked out the way he wanted. He got absolutely everything he wanted and needed.
Not sure what I got in that.....
Welcome to the mind fuck. A heterosexual man doesn't have sex with men. End of story. Maybe he's bi? Maybe he's gay? But it really doesn't matter either way. And it doesn't matter if he admits it or not, it's the truth. Don't let him use you as a cover for his lies....and spend years waiting for him to "come out" and dump you. I highly recommend doing things on your terms. Do what you need to do to get stable, cover your own butt, and move out on your own terms. It's a hell of a lot easier...
- Anon2222
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
MJM017 wrote:
Hello ImSoConfused,
My late GIDXH never admitted to it either. We lived in a gay friendly city, he was an atheist starting at a young age and his parents were liberal. There were none of the usual reasons why someone goes into and stays in the closet. I think he enjoyed taking advantage of others and hurting people..
This is what I don't understand about my situation myself. My gay husband has a liberal family. Very supportive. Hell, his brother is in a poly relationship with a bi woman. No religion in his life. Hell, I probably would have even been supportive to an extent if I was included in any part of this....instead of just gaslit and lied to. And basically had my life dictated with no say in the matter.
And yet....married 18 years and had no idea. And he hid it from everyone.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
So Confused: One way to find your bearings is to pay attention to his deeds and not his words. He is spinning you (and perhaps himself) a yarn. But his actions unequivocally say he is gay (or at least not straight).
- RichJen
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
My wife said she's not gay...or bi. She "just loves the person". So, there was nothing to tell.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
Confused 🤔 this part of our journey is always going to be a shitstorm of muddled thoughts, confusion and what-the-fucks!
I liken it to having a bucket of ice water dumped over you, your whole body reacting, your heart constricting and your mind going "what happened?!".... but instead of just once... the bucket of ice gets you almost every day. I used to think it was up to me to fix what was happening in my r'ship, even though it's my partner who threw the ice water.
It took me ages to finally see the more I tried to figure him/us out the more I'd stay mixed up emotionally
Elle
KIA KAHA
- ImSoConfused
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
For those of you whose spouse is in denial... What did you tell the kids about the reason for divorce. I fear not being honest will result 8n them being angry with ME when they are older. I certainly don't want to say, hey remember Bob who lived across the street and who we had over for 1047639 meals? Daddy banged him for 2 years.
I read a book that says that kids of gay parent who come out in a straight marriages tend to act promiscuously if they find out during adolescence because they are trying to prove to themselves that they are not gay. And that ultimately they may have a bunch of liaisons that are less than satisfying because ... Well, who has satisfying sex as a 15 year.old.... and that because they are not satisfying, they start to question their own sexuality. It leads to more confusion.
I'm thinking he needs to admit to an affair. But we can just say that the affair partner doesn't matter. Because ultimately, it does and it doesn't. If it had been a woman, I would have had to deal with betrayal, too.
But then I don't want to lie to them. It's like, what's the least awful way to screw up their lives up?
My oldest knows and that makes it especially hard. She doesn't think we should tell them. That it will make them hate him. My son already has a terrible relationship with his dad because he only gives him breadcrumbs of attention. He ADORES his dad and feels such rejection. I don't want him to experience further rejection. I can see my husband withdrawing more if he is embarrassed they know.
I just don't know what to do.
Last edited by ImSoConfused (December 27, 2022 9:56 am)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My husband is Gay in Denial and I'm So Confused
...My son already has a terrible relationship with his dad because he only gives him breadcrumbs of attention. He ADORES his dad and feels such rejection. I don't want him to experience further rejection. I can see my husband withdrawing more if he is embarrassed they know....
I'm not sure of you're son's age but if you know he feels rejection wouldn't bring able to tell him, age-appropriately, the reason why give him a better understanding?
Elle
KIA KAHA