Imsoconfused,

A warm welcome on this winter day..

That was the part that hurt me the most...it wasn't the gay..the gay was just icing on the cake to add to the hurt and trauma..a game over F U to me.. But it was lies and trauma of distrust..is she going shopping with this friend or are they having sex..is this friend gay but that friend is  just friend as she says.  One can go shopping at 2am etc...   

The anxiety you feel is a trauma.  I think when they start saying you knew this or you said this or you dont remember this...that is the diabolical gaslighting..   the confusion, that you think your crazy.   Its an evil thing and that he can hurt you like this tells you all you need to know..doesnt matter if he's gay,straight, green alien..we should not be hurt like this to the point of confusion.   It's not something we would do in million years to the one we vowed to love...its not normal.

Read the first aid thread..  get your bearings and ground yourself...build a support network..  know that you did nothing wrong and are worth so much more..

So, I guess I'm one of the "lucky" ones where he did come out and say it (but I can say it realllllyyyyy isn't all it's made out to be either). But, it took years to get there. He strung me along. Denied. Lied to my face. Assured me he wasn't gay. On and on. For years.

Turns out, during those years he was "finding himself", figuring it out, and detaching himself from the marriage. So, he took years to deal with everything and get to a "happy place"....then told me and walked out. And I got stuck with a HAPPY gay husband who waltzed out of my life and told me how just so damn happy he was after moving out. How everything has worked out the way he wanted. He got absolutely everything he wanted and needed.

Not sure what I got in that.....

Welcome to the mind fuck. A heterosexual man doesn't have sex with men. End of story. Maybe he's bi? Maybe he's gay? But it really doesn't matter either way. And it doesn't matter if he admits it or not, it's the truth. Don't let him use you as a cover for his lies....and spend years waiting for him to "come out" and dump you. I highly recommend doing things on your terms. Do what you need to do to get stable, cover your own butt, and move out on your own terms. It's a hell of a lot easier...

MJM017 wrote:

Hello ImSoConfused,
My late GIDXH never admitted to it either. We lived in a gay friendly city, he was an atheist starting at a young age and his parents were liberal. There were none of the usual reasons why someone goes into and stays in the closet. I think he enjoyed taking advantage of others and hurting people..

This is what I don't understand about my situation myself. My gay husband has a liberal family. Very supportive. Hell, his brother is in a poly relationship with a bi woman. No religion in his life. Hell, I probably would have even been supportive to an extent if I was included in any part of this....instead of just gaslit and lied to. And basically had my life dictated with no say in the matter.

And yet....married 18 years and had no idea. And he hid it from everyone.
 

My wife said she's not gay...or bi. She "just loves the person". So, there was nothing to tell.

For those of you whose spouse is in denial... What did you tell the kids about the reason for divorce. I fear not being honest will result 8n them being angry with ME when they are older. I certainly don't want to say, hey remember Bob who lived across the street and who we had over for 1047639 meals? Daddy banged him for 2 years.

I read a book that says that kids of gay parent who come out in a straight marriages  tend to act promiscuously if they find out during adolescence because they are trying to prove to themselves that they are not gay. And that ultimately they may have a bunch of liaisons that are less than satisfying because ... Well, who has satisfying sex as a 15 year.old.... and that because they are not satisfying, they start to question their own sexuality. It leads to more confusion.

I'm thinking he needs to admit to an affair. But we can just say that the affair partner doesn't matter. Because ultimately, it does and it doesn't. If it had been a woman, I would have had to deal with betrayal, too.
But then I don't want to lie to them. It's like, what's the least awful way to screw up their lives up?
My oldest knows and that makes it especially hard. She doesn't think we should tell them. That it will make them hate him. My son already has a terrible relationship with his dad because he only gives him breadcrumbs of attention. He ADORES his dad and feels such rejection. I don't want him to experience further rejection. I can see my husband withdrawing more if he is embarrassed they know.

I just don't know what to do.

Last edited by ImSoConfused (December 27, 2022 9:56 am)