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December 16, 2022 6:47 am  #1

I didn’t know

I just turned 45, today. My husband..wife, came out to me as transfemale in January. We have been married 10 years and I didn’t have a clue. We have been through all the paces. Infertility, family craziness, deaths, not once did he break character. When she came out to me, she was relieved and horny. I remember that being the biggest thing. Like wtf you just turned our whole life pear shaped and you have a hard on? Really? I decided to stay. I can’t afford to leave, I love our little life, and who knows maybe I could accept this new reality. 11 months later I feel used. I feel like the beard that she is finally shaving and all I do is hurt her feelings (if you have never met a teenager in a 45 year old body, it is an experience). I keep asking God what I am supposed to learn from this experience but he is silent. My friends and family are angry. Justifiably so, but I’m just hurt. I hate that she didn’t give me the choice before we got married. I hate that everything is on her timetable. All I have wanted in this relationship is a family..you know the picked fence, the 2.5 kids and a dog. She doesn’t want children and I can’t have them because of fertility issues and a hysterectomy and now I’m pretty sure we can’t adopt, even if she were willing…

I’m not gay, I have no inclination to have sex with another female at anytime. At first, she said she would keep her penis for me, but that just icks me out. Not to mention that would just give her more reason to hate herself. 

I have to explain to her every time I use the word husband, it hurts her feelings. You see, I’m a marketer I have been working in my industry for 26 years and in my current role for 11 years, I have created a lot of relationships along the way and I don’t have the time or the mental capacity to explain the life I am living to every person. I know what you are thinking…it’s no one’s business but I reference him all the time because it makes me relatable, and most of the people I talk to know I am married. It’s just a new facet but not one I am comfortable discussing with anyone.

I feel like I am walking a razor thin line and I keep teetering. How do I move forward? I feel frozen inside and out, It’s not just fight or flight; there is also freeze. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do or how to do it, and that scares the shit out of me. I have never been this indecisive before and more than anything that scares me to death.


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