I’m writing this in the hope it helps others in the same situation. The signs my husband is gay are-

- sex was never frequent nor passionate. Died off after we married (once time during 2 week honeymoon).
- bought and wears luminous coloured underwear and socks (thanks Sean I never knew this could be a sign).
- said I was too passive/aggressive around sex - ‘I never initiated’ then ‘I was always wanting it’. (Can’t win!)
- was talking about his ‘partner’ at work and was delighted when a man asked ‘what’s his name?’. Clearly assuming his partner was male!
- caught him looking at jewel ended butt plugs, I said is that for me or you - he said ‘either’.
- always avoided anniversaries and went out with male friends or ‘work drinks’ to start a fight.
- kept his separate flat even when we were married and trying for a family
- never really wanted kids
- when giving a best man speech spoke about how long his friend ‘spends in the shower and wondering what he was doing in there’. Said in a jokey way but why even include it!!!!
- wildly jealous of this man’s wife
- did theatre in school (again thanks Sean I had no idea this was an indicator).
- best friend with a girl and lots of female friends, women don’t seem to find him a threat
- apparently hung around with ‘gay boys in the library when he was in school’ (anecdotal but something his mother randomly mentioned).
- came from a strict background and said it isn’t possible to be gay if you come from the North of England
- sex died in other relationships too ( I found out later)
- frequently travelled for work
- other male friends who never had girlfriends despite being in their 40’s
- when I asked if he’s gay said ‘that’s not helping’ - not the reliable  denial I’d hoped for
- made up a string of excuses for why sex dried up - he’s impotent, depresssed, tired, stressed
- never bothered to get viagra ( I found out later it only works if you are aroused anyway so wouldn’t help).
- very anti transvestites and people transitioning
- hired many gay men into his team at work (again thanks Sean, you bring so much useful  insight!)
- delighted when a guy at work complimented him and mentioned it loads
- had a message from a random number when he was away for work. Couldn’t explain why this happened or how this friend ‘Dave’ wasn’t saved in his phone
- has a way bigger wardrobe than me like 4x
- workaholic (many girlfriends dumped him over this)
- no social media profile
- uses Reddit - I had no idea this could be a sign!
- went into policing and the military ( said on his entry day to the army  two men were running round naked together whipping each other and tells that story lots)
- preferred blow jobs and could give oral initially but that died off too
- usually had to finish himself off as couldn’t come from vaginal sex and had lots of Ed issues
- his male friends call him a ‘beta male’
- lots of digestive issues (could be related to the stress of living two lives).


Not a comprehensive list but if it helps someone I’m glad I wrote it! He’s never come out formally but on the balance of probabilities I’d say he’s into men.