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November 23, 2022 6:42 pm  #1

New to MOM

So I must start by saying this is super new my husband told me he “thinks” he’s gay or bisexual. He ultimately left the decision of whether to stay or leave. He even said I could live with him, but not be together. I cried for two weeks, not because him being gay or bisexual bothered me. It was more of being scared that everything I’ve known since I was 16 years old, 20 years together, 17 married was over done. We have three children, I think I feared that our marriage was over. For days I went over in my head what to do. I wouldn’t be able to support my kids and I on my own I only make 36 k a year. If I moved out, I’d have to either find a roommate or move back to Colorado with my parents. We live in Michigan.  I’ll give you some back story so you fully understand or relationship. I have an intellectual disability, I am able to be independent as much as possible, I learn slow I don’t know very basic things that would help me in my life like my multiplication facts. My husband takes care of most of our finances, we discuss them, but he makes the payments he talks to them on the phone. I have really bad social anxiety so I have a hard time talking on the phone unless absolutely necessary. I have become dependent on him, I wouldn’t say in an unhealthy way. He is always supporting me, pushing me to better. He believes in me when my family does not. So here I’m thinking I lack the basic skills to live an independent life. He says I will always help you be there for you no matter what happens. I think I’ve always suspected he was at least bisexual. Hell I’m bisexual and this is what makes this harder. Before all this happened my best friend came out to visit and she has fallen in love with a woman and left her husband, and she suggested we have an open marriage because for the last 8ish years he has had horrible erectile dysfunction, so our sex life isn’t the best to say the least. We use toys and have sex without having sex. This was fine with me, it wasn’t the sex I craved it was intimacy. As any marriage you lose passion down the road but he has alway lacked physical affection which has always bothered me, but I didn’t want to smother him. Anyways, I talked to him about the open marriage because I was flabbergasted I didn’t know how to process this. He had the opposite reaction now what I expected. He said you’d get what you need. It hurt when said that, like you’d be okay with me being with other people. I could never hurt you like that. So my friend leaves and he just gets totally withdrawn, and in attempt to make friends because he works at home and doesn’t have the opportunity to make friends he met this guy online. Well in my hysteria ( I completely had lost my mind in my mixed emotions) I just cried all the time. I was borderline suicidal. I looked through his iPad and he had messaged this guy saying he liked him let’s see where this goes. It was like salt poured into the wound. I talked to him about it, he admitted it. He wad guilty, but he didn’t feel my hurt all he wanted was to listen to his side and how he feels. I’m like you tried to have an affair. The guy never wrote back but what if he had would he have gone through with it. That was the first time I mad him sleep on the couch in our entire marriage. I was hurt I was made but eventually he apologized. I cried all the time and he said he couldn’t stand to see me in so much pain, and we talked about divorce about me and the kids moving out. I tried to be mature about it and not cry every time it was brought up which normally was me and he pointed out that I was the only one that mentioned the “D” word. I was so confused I was hurt I was angry I felt betrayed I felt like our marriage was a lie. We have always been great at communication we are best friends. He bought me an upgrade to my wedding band maybe 4 months ago and I couldn’t understand why he did that if he was having these feelings. About a month ago he started smoking again when it’s been several years since he smoked. He tried to hide that from me too. Then I noticed he’d been taking shots of vodka, the evidence was there in the morning. My two older children 16 and 13 noticed this change and were obviously worried. It was all too much, I felt like I didn’t know him anymore. Was the man I fell in love with gone? He kept telling me he wishes he wouldn’t have said anything until he could figure himself out because I was in so much pain. Then one day it wasn’t so bad and I decided I wasn’t going to give up on us and let make this clear I do not believe in staying in a marriage for your children that only ends in disaster I decided to stay because I love him. So on Monday he decides to go to this support group and then they went to Buffalo Wild Wings after the group he was gone until like 11 in the morning. I was going crazy my brain was going to all sorts of places what if he’s having sex in the back of the car what if he’s making out with someone. Then this guy invited him out to dinner, he wasn’t answering of my texts and he was saying it’s because they were at a volleyball game and he had no service. He sent me photos, fine whatever, then he says we’re going to eat. He doesn’t text me back much and before I know it I have to put my 8 year old to bed without him being able to say goodnight to his Daddy. Then midnight rolls around and I finally call him. He said oh we’re just talking. I was starting to get mad I was like you have a family this is not okay to stay away this long you’ve been gone since 6. He eventually comes home at 1ish and I told him I was scared he was having sex that I want him to have friends, but it’s not okay to stay out that late he’s not 20 he’s almost 40. Of course he reassured me, and then I asked if we could have ground rules for him to check in with me tell me where he is and who he’s with and he agreed that it was reasonable. Well last night he went to pick up my daughter’s friend from work at 10 I went to bed early, but woke up around 1130 I guess intuition and he says he’s been driving around because he was having so many feelings and he’s so confused. I finally call him and he tells me he’s just sitting in the car I asked if that guy was with him and he of course lied and said no. The hours go by and thankfully apple has a location locator and I see him in the parking lot for about an hour then he goes to this guys house. Like wtf you told me you weren’t with him. I was about to hop in the car and go there. I don’t like being lied to. Our marriage always had honesty and openness in it we tell each other everything. I was worried I finally called he says , I’m on my way home and I was like no you aren’t and he hesitated and said I’m at his house and we’re sitting in the car talking. How car you talk to someone for that long? I texted him and told him I’m not going to bed till we talk, he finally gets home at 2 a.m. We talked he says he’s confused he doesn’t know what he is all he knows is his first couple sexual experiences were with guys which I knew, but he always acted traumatized by it. I asked if he wanted out of our marriage he’s says no. I asked if he was having an affair or even making out with him and he says no I’m not ready for it. He admits he lied to me about being with him and he said his friend berated him for lying to me too. He told him that we need to be honest and open with each other and he needs to figure out himself. Maybe he really is just going to this man for support but what can he tell him or do for him that I can’t? I told him that leaving like that and being out all night is unacceptable. I don’t trust this guy at all, I don’t know why but I just don’t I’m so worried about my husband so we’ve decided to try MOM after our long heart to heart talk. I even told him he can sleep with men as long as he practices safe sex, and I’m okay with that just not yet because it’s still fresh and new and the hurt is an open wound for me. I told him we can have an open marriage, we can do swinging I just have to get used to the idea. Everything I’ve read though it seems like everyone that tries mom it just ends up not working out in the end. We both really want to make this work. He’s working on being more affectionate with me and I’m trying to support him and show him I love him regardless and that I appreciate him. We are trying to working on our marriage, but I notice small things. I get so anxious when he doesn’t text me back. I want to be comfortable with him again, I want to trust him again. Clearly we need marriage counseling and probably individual therapy. I told him that I have accepted the fact that I like girls it’s just a part of me I just don’t have this burning desire to be with one because I have him. I don’t understand why he can’t come to terms with it and accept himself. He says it might be because his older brother is gay and he doesn’t want to be like him. So what? No one but us have to know. I want to be there for him like he was there for me when I was a mess. How do I help him accept this new him, and this new us? Are there any MOM relationships that have actually been successful? Any advice is greatly appreciated this is all so new to the both of us. We both want this to work we love each other, but are we trying to stay together out of connivence and it’ll eventually fail. I suggested we have rules and write it down together and figure it out. I’m so worried about him, and yes I’m worried about this relationship with this other man even though he seems to have our best interests in mind. I know it’ll take time to trust again and be open to an open marriage but part of that is because I am unhappy with my body. Depression took root for a couple years and I’m very overweight. I am working on it. Thank you for reading 


November 25, 2022 11:01 am  #2

Re: New to MOM

Firestar83 - it's a lot to unpack from your post. It seems MOM relationships only work with well-defined rules, trust, and good communication. The level of trust is very shaky in your post. I hope you can be one of the lucky ones to have a happy MOM relationship.  Keep posting and vent anytime! 


November 25, 2022 12:31 pm  #3

Re: New to MOM

Firestar83 wrote:

...... I know it’ll take time to trust again and be open to an open marriage but part of that is because I am unhappy with my body. Depression took root for a couple years and I’m very overweight. I am working on it.  

Firestar .. welcome to the Forum.

What came first? Being unhappy with your body or feeling your r'ship with your husband had changed and it was all your fault?
Often, because of who we are as women we take on the blame for problems and defining them by how we see ourselves.

There is a lot to unpack in your post but because I've been where you are, and also thought I could save my 32 year r'ship...the very first thing I can tell you is that once you knowingly open a marriage to other sexual partners, and your husband knows you're okay with him fucking other men....your life will never be the same again.

Keep posting/asking questions. We're here listening


KIA KAHA                       

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