My comments in red 

Lost_thought_space wrote:

So this is more of a vent session for me because I don’t know who else to turn to. This is the very best place when you need a vent  
We’ve been together for 8 years and married for one. About 4 months ago she alerted me to her struggle with her sexuality. I haven’t heard her use the word lesbian explicitly, but regardless she hasn’t found any men attractive for most of this year. She definitely hasn’t been attracted to me for the whole year. You're still at the start of the storm LTS and you have a way to go. And actually the introspection we're almost forced to undertake when the Mindfuck happens is, in a lot of ways, better for us than not taking stock of the life/lives that have been shattered. Well that is how I feel about it anyway. I've been able to not let emotion get in the way of how I was seeing the bigger picture. There were days when I didn't know which side was up, I had no tissues left and my opinion of myself was very low. I still have moments. For the most part I keep them to myself (don't involve my partner)

Now I’ve seen a lot of people say “you shouldn’t blame yourself”, and I whole heartedly agree with that sentiment. However, in my situation outside of her sexuality my alcohol use caused a divide in our relationship that I don’t know we could have overcome. I think we were close. Each of us were in therapy individually, and as a couple. I have been sober for 116 days, and changed behaviors that were making her unhappy. The things I changed were all habit based, and in the interest of my health. She wasn’t asking me to change on any type of fundamental level. I’m appreciative that she pushed me to become a healthier person. So you both had crosses to bear (well done you on the 116 days sober) Yours was a visible issue and hers wasn't....until it was.

While we go through the logistics of selling our house while still living together, and finalizing our divorce I’m just so lost on how I should feel…

I shoulder A LOT of the burden for our demise. At the start of my own personal Mindfuck.....no, actually just before it.....I was getting (and taking onboard) a lot of the blame for my outward and vocal emotions brought about by suspicion that something was wrong with my r'ship but that actually had nothing to do with me. But then I’m reminded that she is not attracted to men. Then I get sad and angry about the whole situation regarding her sexuality. Not at her specifically. Deep down I truly think her repression and denial was so ingrained that she was operating on the information she had. in the end, rightly or wrongly, to save myself I had to continually go over and over our lives together and admit to myself my partner wasn't the be-all and end-all I'd thought he was and that what he'd done (dishonesty, secrecy), what he wanted (freedom to explore) was unfair to me. With that change of thinking....slowly....I bolstered my self-esteem and even though we're still together I feel better about the compromises I've made.

With that being said, she has a friend. A friend that’s openly gay. I know this person. My soon to be ex wife has hung out with this person before we decided to split, but while I knew my wife was questioning her sexuality. It never sat well with me, but my wife was adamant that she just needed close friends and this person is just that - a friend. Now I’ve been cheated on before. I know the signs. I’m not naive enough to take what she says at face value. I will not address it with my soon to be ex. We’re amicable currently. I just want to get out without a contentious divorce, because I approached her about this friend. That being said, I went to a friends last Saturday, and she had this friend over in our house 1-on-1. I feel so incredibly violated by this. I get it I’m not getting my wife back. I’ve accepted all the hands that have been dealt to me. I’m not in any way hoping she’ll take me back. I’m working through that with my own support system. But why can’t she wait to branch off until we sell the house? Am I being unfair in my feelings? I get she needs a safety net, but it really hurts to see it all unfold right in front of me. Oh man this is tough. I had to make myself not feel emotional, jealous, suspicious about any of the times he's late, or away for work because there is now a defined line in the sand between us. That line is intimacy. I don't want it. He's still a man, must need it and I don't think I have any say or influence about anything he may do. I'll tell you though sometimes I'm standing right up on that line, angrily thinking "why me?" but thankfully most of the time I'm back several steps, not bothered. It takes a strong will and a mindful heart to be able to separate the expectations we had and acceptances we now have to shoulder

I still want what’s best for myself AND my wife, but I’d appreciate some grace from her as well. I just feel so discarded, and disrespected. And then I don’t feel valid with those feelings because of the harm I caused with my addiction. Wish this wasn’t so complex. Then tell her you would appreciate some grace from her

Elle