Hello Struggling,

I am currently in the process of separating from my wife after 8 years together as a couple, and 1 year married.

The process has been long and grueling to say the least. She originally said she thought she’s bisexual. Which wasn’t a surprise to me. Throughout our relationship we both shared comments about attractive women. I should have noticed she never made comments about attractive men, but I digress.

Through couples counseling, and each of us in individual therapy we reached a resolution of amicable separation.

This process IS GRIEF. It operates exactly the same as if your spouse has just died. Realizing this was grief helped me understand the range of emotions I’ve been through.

I had been at a point wondering, “well maybe she is bisexual”, and “maybe there’s hope to salvage our relationship”, but as of now and for several months she’s told me that she has zero attraction to men. Zero attraction to me. In her words I’m like a friend - a best friend even, but there’s no spark there.

Compounded by her journey of self discovery I had been changing my behaviors that had pushed her to her newly found sexuality. I did change those behaviors, and I’m thankful she pushed me to become a better version of myself.

As everything came to a head I finally got her to say that she wanted to separate during couples counseling. I was left with a resolution. I was also left with internal questions. She still says she isn’t attracted to any men at the moment. She’s still very confused, and she’s let slip that the death of our relationship was at least partially unrelated to her sexuality. She lost the spark, we grew apart, and we are nothing romantic - just platonic. That still stings.

I started asking myself questions. Questions like “Did she leave me because of the issues I had caused outside of her sexuality?” “Did I make her think she’s bi, or lesbian because I became so unattractive with my behavior?”

But then I made a realization. She explicitly told me she doesn’t want me. Whether that’s because of something I did or her sexuality is not a concern. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want me. Plain and simple.

So my advice is acceptance. Try your damndest to just accept that she doesn’t want you the way you both thought. It’s way easier said than done, but it got me out of a purgatory of trying to bargain back the life I had. Acceptance is simple but it is not easy.

I suggest you lean on friends and family. Feel all the emotions. Live through them, but try and slowly shift your focus to YOUR desires beyond her. You have to process the grief, but you don’t have to live there.

There’s a quote that has helped me through the death of a friend and the death of my relationship. “People tend to think that grief shrinks over time. What really happens is that we grow around the grief”.

Sending you hugs. This is a painful place to be. Hoping you can heal, and find peace.

Last edited by Lost_thought_space (October 31, 2022 3:13 pm)

Lost_thought_space wrote:

 But then I made a realization. She explicitly told me she doesn’t want me. Whether that’s because of something I did or her sexuality is not a concern. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want me. Plain and simple.

So my advice is acceptance. Try your damndest to just accept that she doesn’t want you the way you both thought.

 
This is powerful. I too, started to feel better the day I hit rock bottom and realized this....she made a choice, and that choice wasn't me, nothing else really mattered. It still hurts. But its the path you take to get through it. Thanks for this, very well articulated. 

Last edited by Blackie563 (October 31, 2022 6:07 pm)

Struggling:
 I think an ex's desire to "remain 'best friends'" might be explained by 1) their own reluctance to fully embrace the consequences of their declaration and/or actions, and their need for a soft landing; 2) their need to pardon themselves for breaking the marriage/partnership; 3) a belief (misguided, imho) that it will be "better for the children"; 4) an inability or refusal to imagine the devastation--emotional, pyschological, financial--their decision to come out and leave us wreaks on us and our children (what is exciting or necessary to them is the opposite for us); 5) and, in divorce negotiations, a desire to manipulate us in order to better their own settlement prospects.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 2, 2022 7:44 am)