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1 - Struggling
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My intro and looking for advice
I’ve been wading in these forums for some time now, reading others stories, and figure it’s time to post myself.
My wife and I have been together for about 14 years, married 9. We have two amazing children (both 6) that I love more than anything in the world. About a year and a half ago, my wife told me that she was a lesbian, and she had this realization about 2 years prior. I was, and still am devastated. She did not want to separate or divorce at the time, so we stayed together and worked on things. Initially it was rough, but things temporarily improved with work and a better emotional connection. That period of improvement was so good that it had me think that things were going to be OK, and maybe she was mistaken or at the least, she was Bi, and I still had a chance.
That good period was short lived and she told me again about 8 months ago that she is gay. It hurt even more the second time because I realized that their is no hope.
I had initially reached out to this group and had a phone interview with a couple of people who had been thru this. At the time of that call, I felt like a fraud because it was in the “good” period. Now I realize it’s just a matter of time till it all comes to an end. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and I can honestly say it does nothing for me. We’ve been seeing a couples therapist and despite my hurting every time we meet with him, I feel better about speaking with that therapist.
Within the last couple of months, my wife brought up divorce, but doesn’t want to do that close to the holidays for the sake of the kids. The thought of divorce scares the shit out of me cube cause I can’t imagine my life without my wife and kids. Despite being scared of divorce, it was almost a relief she said that because I can’t take the stress much more, and I feel like it would never be on me to make that call, since this all because of her. I am not a religious person at all, but I am very serious about my core values, which do not allow me to walk away from any commitments I make, especially life long ones.
My wife and I are still good friends, and I love her, despite being greatly angered by the situation and her at times. She tells me that she didn’t marry me thinking she was gay, and that is what she says anytime I say something to the effect that our marriage feels like a sham. She also told me after coming out to me that prior To meeting me, she had questioned her sexuality, but just wrote it off thinking of course she’s straight. When I think of this, I get angered bc she should have had the courage to face this before.
Now I’m in a situation that many of you are currently, or have been in. I love my wife and I don’t want to lose her, despite knowing there is no hope. Also, even worse, I’m afraid of what impact this will have on the kids, and my relationship with them. Custody would be split close to even, but I can’t stand the thought of not being travel to see them everyday. She has gone as far as making plans forbher living arrangement of when she moves out.
She has recently said that if she were to die tomorrow, she would be happy bc she loves me, the kids, and our family,and our life together. But she also said if she grows old and things remain the same, on her death bed will regret not living her true self.
Recently, when talking about fincsces, and her stressing over money, she asked if I would consider legal separation over divorce so she could maintain my health insurance. This hurt to hear, and I said how that pretty much let me know what my value is. She didn’t seem to understand how to hear that, it could hurt.
Sorry for the jumbled thoughts and things being out of order, hard ti type this out.
Any positive words of encouragement or real life practical suggestions are welcomed.
Also, if anyone has experience with a legal separation, do you know if a health insurance company would allow a legally separated spouse to remain under your insurance policy?
Also, sorry if this is being posted to the wrong category, please feel free to correct me or move it to the appropriate forum.
Thanks.
- Daryl
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
There's nothing wrong about where this post is. Sorry you find yourself staring out over the edge of something you never wanted. It might be cold comfort, but it seems you are getting some honesty from your spouse. Not all of us got that.
I can't answer the question about the insurance. Read the fine print of the policy, especially the list of definitions. Maybe this is something you want to do to try to keep things amicable? If so, consider a timeline that works for you. Being separated, instead of divorced, can be an impediment to developing a relationship with another person. I realize you may not be looking, or planning to do so, anytime soon but you want to keep your options open. Pick a term that frees you up in a reasonable time. I am making an assumption here that she might be a stay-at-home Mom, or needs some time to work on career and work benefits.
I think your kids will be OK, if they have honesty and two parents that care. No one wants to spend less time with them, but it probably can't be avoided.
Get some legal advice asap on divorce vs. separation matters.
Be kind to yourself. You'll find your direction and speed soon enough. If you've been keeping this secret, don't. Not suggesting you post it online, but tell someone you trust. Venting here is also good. We don't judge on typos or random thoughts.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
Struggling wrote:
. ....She has recently said that if she were to die tomorrow, she would be happy bc she loves me, the kids, and our family,and our life together. But she also said if she grows old and things remain the same, on her death bed will regret not living her true self. .....
Welcome to our Forum Struggling 
Just one question.... How about you? If you stay married...when you're on your deathbed will you regret not living your life the way you expected to (before your wife told you she was a lesbian)..?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Rob
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
Struggling,
"... stressing over money, she asked if I would consider legal separation over divorce so she could maintain my health insurance. This hurt to hear, and I said how that pretty much let me know what my value is."
So sorry.. I got this also...
...real interpretation; I dont want to be married to you but I want all the benefits of being married to you. I stood before a panel of lawyers and told them my employer would not let me put an ex wife on my insurance..not legal...oh up the alimony to pay her insurance they said... um no.
Alternate interpretation; I love you but have no problem hurting you.
It hurts...if you forget about the gay this tells you who they are. It's so much more malevolent and selfish than the gay.
The kids will be ok. They will get a strong unabused dad. They just want a mom and a dad. She can seek her own benefits she values so much from the marriage.
The kids get your fierce love, time and talents etc as they always have.
Like you I wanted to continue to provide for my GX as that was what I always did. But who is providing for you..who is taking care of you? Who is hurting you?
..I found getting away from the hurt priceless. Found most of my fears unfounded.
Wishing you strength and courage.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- SameDeepWaterAsPhil
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
Hi, Struggling:
I'm the last person to offer you advice. My LW came out to me as Bi more than a decade ago, then as Gay over a year ago. We've been through couples therapy ever since, & just recently, we're sleeping separately. I can tell you this, though: whatever you're feeling is RIGHT. There's no playbook, no manual, no self-help to guide you through this. It's awful & so hard to grasp. The best you can do is take care of yourself, practice self compassion, & let a few trusted people into your situation so you're not isolated. I've gotten great support from this forum, so I definitely suggest continuing to seek out fellowship here. God bless you!
- Blackie563
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
I'm very sorry to hear this. My situation was similar, but my soon to be ex said she never questioned it at all, just something that "came up". Anyway, you have to do what is right for you. I feel the anger, my soon to be ex says she feels "stuck and out of place" and "craves wanting to live independently, etc", but she wont do so without my money.....she has had a full time job for over a decade and is perfectly capable of supporting herself, the independence thing is just more lies from her. Its all about what she wants, and nothing to do with me. She wants the cake and to eat it too. Sounds like your wife is the same.
Regardless, I can not tell you what to do. Every journey is its own. I do not know where it will end for me, I am just trying to be a good father to my 3 kids and mostly ignore her. She is selfish and only concerned with herself, but I know I can not control that. I can only control myself. Take care of yourself, hang in there, it does get better. And I agree, you may not be looking for anyone now, but you will. I am discovering a whole world of women who would stab to be treated the way I treated my wife of 23 years, only for her to whimsically toss it away...it goes get better!
- Struggling
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
Thanks everyone for accepting me in the group and the feedback.
Just from a few of the replies, she does work, but doesn’t have affordable insurance available to her.
I realize I am fortunate in that she was upfront and honest with me, despite having kept it to herself for 2 years prior to sharing with me. Even more upsetting to me is that she questioned it prior to even meeting me, and didn’t have the courage to face it herself at the time.
Also, don’t want to come across as defending her, and not that it makes a difference in a group of people that don’t know either of us, but this is killing her. I try to hide my emotions the best that I can, but I’m a bad actor and it’s obvious when I’m down over the whole situation. I know her seeing me like this is hard on her, and I feel guilty for bringing her back down.
As far as the insurance comment, I do feel hurt because that’s what I’m reduced to, but I still care for her and want to be able to provide to some degree. Don’t know if it’s right to feel that way or not.
And I will seek out legal advice, but that is a tough step because it makes it seem that much more imminent. And before anyone points out the obvious, I am living in this situation and know what is to come, so I know how stupid that sounds.
- •
Thread Starter- Abby
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
If you are in the US it is worth looking into the Affordable Care Act to see if it your wife would be eligible ut based on her living separately. I was able to qualify and got a decent policy at a reduced rate, which I stayed on until I qualified for Medicare.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Blackie563
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
Also, don’t want to come across as defending her, and not that it makes a difference in a group of people that don’t know either of us, but this is killing her.... Don’t know if it’s right to feel that way or not..
My friend - it does matter. Your story is your story. Everyone has their own path. My ex has recently admitted to everything and I believe she is hurt by this as well. Doesn't change much though, since she is still choosing the path. I''ve said before, I dont even think she is truly a lesbian, maybe bi. She admitted our life was perfect, she just thinks there is something better for her. Honestly, I hope she is right! I just wish she didnt spend 23 years with me and then decide to bail just when it was going to be the two of us...arguably the best part. I digress.
There is no right or wrong way to feel. Just let the emotions flow. Some days will be better than others. Most of my days now are great. This weekend was bad, awful really. For some reason I re-visited the 23 years we spent building a life and how badly she hurt me with all of this. Tomorrow will be better, because I choose better. Over time, the choices get easier, but be easy on yourself, ok? Its a long ride.
- Clif
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Re: My intro and looking for advice
Blackie wrote: "I just wish she didnt spend 23 years with me and then decide to bail just when it was going to be the two of us...arguably the best part."
I had 27 years and there were a few years when it was just us. I do believe being "empty nesters" is what triggered her to come out. Kids were gone and living out of state.