Hi Blonde, sorry you find yourself here. You have every right to snap at him. He deceived you for at least 15 years. Talking is good but talk to more people than just your spouse. Remember to take care of yourself. It may not be healthy for you to be around the person that has hurt you. If that is the case, you don't have to take part in this best-friends and happy-family facade.

How noble of him to put off pursuing his new life until the New Year (I assume to live authentically and seek male partners). When that happens, and he meets someone, you may find his #1 priority changes. As far as I'm concerned, he has used you for years and now he wants to paint the scene as him being some sort of good guy ?

I highly suggest you speak to a lawyer to chart your future (and that of your kids). You should also seek a counselor who specializes in trauma response. You don't have to become enemies, you also don't have to be his friend. All you need to do is co-parent. He is not in charge of how the future will be organized. You also have a voice. Make sure it's not dependent on his latest impulses or that you are not held hostage in order to gain what he owes you and his kids. Tackle it one piece at a time.

Wishing you well.
 

I second being careful. He's kept his real emotional needs under wraps for a long time.  He may feel deserving of doing what he wants by dating men right now, spending family money on expensive toiletries and clothing to attract men & clubs & restaurants to meet them. It has happened to many here.

Take it step by step. Have your own plans on how co parenting and financial support should look like. Stick to it like glue. A partner may turn into an irresponsible adolescent once they come out of the closet.

Last edited by MJM017 (October 19, 2022 10:05 pm)

Hi Blonde,

so I guess the question I have to ask is did you get angry at him? as in giving him an earful.  I'm not suggesting it's a good idea to do it, far from it, but the question is has he listened to you or has he just said oh I"m sorry I feel like shit - ie he wants you to feel sorry for him rather than having to deal with how you feel at all.

It takes time to absorb the news that your partner is gay, that he's kept something so important hidden from you.  But it's not a surprise for him.  

Just asking but how about telling him no dating while you are still living together?  would he do that for you?

It's good that he's saying he will put the children first, but his idea of how that looks might turn out to be quite different from what you think he means.   

Good for you being snappy.  Good for you starting by saying you're heartbroken.  

It is only natural to hope to be friends but first you have to break up.  It takes time.

By the time I had completed the separation from my ex I so didn't want to be friends with him!  not in a blue moon.



 

I am hoping you have some family you can talk with.  A friend you can confide in?  This is not something you should try and deal with alone.

Christmas will be over in a couple of months.  

wishing you all the best, Lily



 

We know this is difficult. You'll probably have to go through several emotions (anger at the injustice of what he's done/is doing will be the stand-out one)....before you start thinking about the important people in all this...
...you and your children

Elle