Hello - So now it's later. Aug 31st. I'm not going to lie and say things are all hunky dory because well there's not really any sex. But honestly that's ok at this point. He wanted "regular" sex about a month ago and I figured what the heck and it was 4 minutes of why bother on my end and he was withdrawn for days afterward because he was "confused" by how it made his female side feel. Whatever. I care about him but I've stopped trying to be his therapist. He has one of those. He's been working on an addition project here and has been mostly in guy mode which is nice. but yesterday she showed up in a black vinyl maid outfit to vacuum the house (I cannot from my chair). I was a little sad she showed up but at this point I just don't feel much at all. Which I suppose is better than being upset all the time. I'm just...numb. We decided to stay in this home after finding there isn't' enough money to buy a bigger one and I don't really want one because I'd have to give up my safety net money and I flat out refuse. It's in my name and in a CD where it is safe and growing. 
I'd rather we just were companions but he still wants his particular brand of sex so we have an arrangement for every other week. I just think of it like another household chore. You know, dust, laundry, give him sex. I was incredibly sexual when I was younger. I used to say 3xday and snacks. But now I'm just broken. We get along fine in most other ways. I've just stopped caring much. I mean I care about him but I don't think we need to be joined at the hip. He could take a lover and honestly I would not care. It's not the marriage I hoped for. In fact in my 3 relationships over over 13 years each in my life I haven't really found that at all. 1st was the GID/gay alcoholic workaholic, 2nd was the lust of my life who could play me like a fine violin even after 19 yrs but was not a good partner and this man is a good partner but I have almost zero attraction. Especially for days after seeing him in one of her outfits. If it was just regular clothes I think it would be easier. A skirt and top. But it's always fetish gear and it was fun 24 yrs ago but now we're just too old for that nonsense. Or at least I am.
Anyway, this MOM is working, well it's functional. Maybe that's the best one can ask for or expect when you're in your older years. take care all

Last edited by Grace1958 (August 31, 2023 6:37 pm)

Thanks Dutchman. I do know what marriage should look like in my mind. I know that this isn't it.
But my choices are to either live with it, or hang in until there is low income ADA housing available in the area and move into it. Could be tomorrow, could be in 5 yrs. I actually have some money, but even with having it, I cannot get a regular apartment. It is required to have 3x the INCOME of the rent and while I could write a check for a year's rent, I do not have enough actual income for even the rent every month. I mean, a one bedroom here is upwards of $1500 a month. So I cannot get a rental, nor can I buy a cheap condo because the association requires a certain amount of income. 
I figure since he generally doesn't ask much of me and I have a warm and dry place to live and for now anyway can save money and such - I might as well just stay. I can't go backward in time and not marry the man. Believe me, if I could, I would. Sometimes financial reality just means living with the bad stuff and working on finding some peace otherwise. Things are harder all around when one is disabled. I try to remember that he is kind, wishes things were different. Far too many women are in far worse situations. 

My comments in red. 

Grace1958 wrote:

..... I do know what marriage should look like in my mind. I know that this isn't it.
But my choices are to either live with it, or hang in until there is low income ADA housing available in the area and move into it.....Grace I finally came to the realisation that how I was living was not how it should be and the need to get out was stronger than my need to stay. Although it took 6 years of planning, knowing I had to leave but like you knowing I was in a good place... I have to admit I left kind of "on a wing and a prayer" thinking it would work out. 
Could be tomorrow, could be in 5 yrs. I actually have some money, but even with having it, I cannot get a regular apartment. It is required to have 3x the INCOME of the rent and while I could write a check for a year's rent, I do not have enough actual income for even the rent every month. I mean, a one bedroom here is upwards of $1500 a month. So I cannot get a rental, nor can I buy a cheap condo because the association requires a certain amount of income. And this is almost exactly where I am. I have been declined an apartment in the city....too little income.. and I'm hesitant to get somewhere with help from the government because it might not suit my health needs. I too have money put away but as I can no longer afford life insurance...I see it now as my children's inheritance! so want to keep it safe.
I figure since he generally doesn't ask much of me and I have a warm and dry place to live and for now anyway can save money and such - I might as well just stay. I can't go backward in time and not marry the man. Believe me, if I could, I would. Sometimes financial reality just means living with the bad stuff and working on finding some peace otherwise. Things are harder all around when one is disabled. I try to remember that he is kind, wishes things were different. Far too many women are in far worse situations. Yes indeed....your smart female self-awareness is much more aware than the woman who married thinking love is forever. Once I left the cocoon of stability A provided and I no longer had all the privileges it afforded I realised it was going to be tougher than I had thought.
I crossed a threshold and can't (won't!) go back now but for you Grace....'warm, safe & dry' beats 'cold, damp & lonely' any day!  It's called survival and I can understand your reasoning.
     

Elle
 

Omg 2222.....I know for a fact A. would accept me back.....(and yes I've thought of a few scenarios lol)... but no fucking way would I do it. I'd be so ashamed and angry at myself. 

Everything is so fucking expensive and although "boohoo" A has lost me....he still earns a good wage, he still spends $$$ on a weekend away.....so I'm going to be poor but actually proud of myself for walking away

E.
 

For me there is one added thing to consider and that is, that one of my children would want me to move in with them if I tried to leave. I'm not at that place. Sure I'm not happy. Sure I'm wishing I could go back 22 yrs. but I am not in danger and he is, in his way, a good person. So I will not do that to my kids. If there comes a time that I can get into state housing (which is very cute, little bungalows) I will go. But I will only move in/build on to my kids homes if he passes on and I can sell this place. Am I putting sensibility before my happiness? Yes. I fully admit it. But honestly since I don't really love him anymore in a romantic way, I just wish he'd go find someone else to "do" him and we can just be companions. I thought men were supposed to lose their drive after 65. Sadly not here.
Anyway, here I stay for the foreseeable future.