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- MJM017
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
It sounds like a gilded cage in a way. Also, make certain not caring doesn't include numbing your feelings.
Am so sorry to hear about your son. Thinking good thoughts that his emotions even out so there's no more crisis. He knows mom would do anything for him. I know that's helping him a lot. (((Hugs)))
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Wow Lily,
You hit the nail on the head.
I moved out of our bedroom and slept on a mattress on a floor in the spare room for quite some time, wishing he would invite me back to the bedroom. He never did. Then we separated for about five months when he moved out to house sit a friend's house, and I moved back into our bedroom. I remember lying in our king sized bed in a the big room and thinking, yeah, why would he come to me to ask me to move back in when he's got things arranged exactly as he likes them? He has a nice big room and a nice big bed and I'm not there silently accusing him just by my very presence. It was a huge epiphany for me. And I swore right then and there that when he returned I was not moving out. I was staying in our bedroom in our bed whether or not it made him uncomfortable. Better if it did! My ex was passive aggressive like nobody's business: he could go on for years not talking about it, pretending I didn't know what i knew, that he hadn't done what he'd done.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
lily wrote:
Elle, I have a suggestion to make.
Fight For Your Bed!!! ......
It's a two bedroom townhouse, and I'm not going to chuck my son out or suggest he move. I have thought of buying two singles because we've both become used to having our own bed/own room. However that sounds a bit to cosy and compliant. We are on the lookout for a 3 bedroom rental.
Fingers crossed we find one soon. I will get my own room back!
Thanks lily
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Gloria
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Yes, fight for your bed and possibly your own bedroom
- lily
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
thanks oohc,
yes exactly that - he was happy for me to move out of the bedroom, it was ideal for him, my ex was passive aggressive too. underhanded cruelty. he played nasty little tricks on me and I never knew it because it just never occurred to me that he was doing things like moving my car keys or complaining to our friends that I didn't give him nice presents when it was the other way round. I didn't know who I was married to at all, it was a devastating and horrible surprise that crept up on me.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
It sounds like a gilded cage in a way.....
Hmm...that's one way of looking at it. But I can't let myself think of it as a cage. Gilded sure, but on my terms. It would be a cage if he was still pressuring me for intimacy, or denying me access to money. He's not stopping me from flying off, the door is open. It's me who keeps me here and if I called it a cage it would change the way I see myself.
Hugs back at you
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Begging your pardon, Ellexoh, it might not be a cage, but it's not on your terms. If it were, you wouldn't have started this thread and been so upset by what you found in the back of the closet. You are surely right, however, that you have made a choice, and he is "not stopping [you] from flying off."
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
....
I started the thread to get my thoughts down and thought I was quite UN-upset finding the hidden bag, but of course I realise the words I type are open to interpretation.
Nobody can make me feel worse about the situation I'm in. Thanks for adding your comments
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Blackie563
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
Wishing you the best. My soon to be ex lives in the basement now and its a much better arrangement. I no longer think of any reconciliation and other than discussing things for our kids, I ignore her. Although we still work out of the same bank account, we have separated phones, credit cards etc. This is to prepare for the final separation. Will we continue to live in the same home after that? I do not know. What I do know is, forcing the divorce was the right decision, because now that I have the truth, I suffered (and will likely have ups and downs) but I am stronger now. My confidence is very high, now after 23 years, I realize I am desirable and had that affirmed by other women already....
Even if she realized all that she has done and apologized (will never happen, because she does not admit errors or accept responsibility for her actions and never has in 23 years), I dont think it would matter. I realize I settled for years. While still emotional, I am finding I don't really like her all that much as a person. She isn't mean or cruel, but she isnt and never has been a "nice person". Pardon the word, but she is kind of a "jerk" and always has been. I just put up with it because I told myself this is what I committed too and loving someone means all of them. I would have continued doing so, but she broke the bond, not me.
She is finding that she probably isn't a lesbian, (likely bi-sexual) meaning, it was a choice like any other. She will live with what she has done to our kids and to me for the rest of her life. I will too, but I am on the path to healing. Havent looked this good in 20 years 
- Anon2222
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Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?
While still emotional, I am finding I don't really like her all that much as a person. She isn't mean or cruel, but she isnt and never has been a "nice person". Pardon the word, but she is kind of a "jerk" and always has been.
Strange you say this....because I have come to the same conclusion. I built this picture of him and I read a lot into it, and made a lot of excuses for his behavior. In the last little while since this all happened....I have come to the realization that he is an incredibly selfish person. And, that yah, he is not a nice person. At all.
There were hints of it early in the marriage that I just glossed over. But, I learned the hard way that he is all about himself and he will do whatever he wants and screw anyone and everything else.
I spent my entire marriage being nice enough for the both of us apparently.