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September 21, 2022 2:15 pm  #11


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

My comments in red

Nauseous and devastated wrote:

It’s so confusing. So much of what you wrote is what’s going through my head everyday. We still sleep in the same bed. He’s kind and thoughtful and the day to day life is “normal” and maybe even a little bit better since he’s more open in our conversations. NaD....I'm interested in that your conversations with your husband have been open. I'd love that! I think it must be that while yours has admitted to you that he is gay my partner doesn't see himself as gay and thinks that to call himself bisexual takes away the stigma. 
Our financial situation makes the prospect of divorce even more frightening for me than it would be if money wasn’t a concern. I don’t want my kids’ happy lives to be turned upside down and their psyches to be harmed by this. The fact you have children is one of the things that will keep you there longer. I can't remember how old your children are (mine were adults when I told them) but when you're a kid *happy* is relative to how safe you feel with the parents who care for you and I think as long as communication between you all is good children should be a part of what is happening.  
Finding the items you found must have been a gut punch - almost like a concrete reminder of what the realities are. Actually NaD no, not a gut-punch....it was almost like I expected to find it. There was no knife to the heart/intake of breath. Just "ah.....yes" and no emotion. Question; are you still having sex with your husband?. 
Sometimes I just to pretend none of this happened but it comes crashing back into my head and I get even more confused. While I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this and that we are in a situation where we need this support, I am grateful that you posted your words and for the replies and words of support from those who responded. I hope it gave you some relief to get them out and I hope you found some reassurance in the replies you received. Your and their words have helped me a great deal this morning. I crossed the can-I-pretend-this-isn't-happening! a long time ago. It'll be a relief when you cross it too Have you been to a lawyer? and are you seeing a counsellor? Don't allow your husband to tell you who you should talk to! Of course he's kind and sorry for what he's done. But you have the right to talk to anybody you wish to about your own life. When I first saw a lawyer I talked about my partner wanting to see "other people". I was scared too and referring to it like that was like dipping my toe in the water of getting used to talking about my situation. Once again Don't let your husband think he can tell you who you can talk to. This is your life.
I'm 5 years past when I probably should have left but I no longer fool myself my life will ever be the same again.   

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 21, 2022 2:28 pm  #12


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

Anon2222 wrote:

.........in a few days I lose having a person to talk to in the evenings and help with the million things that go into taking care of a house and life. To say this process is devastating is an understatement......... 
I say this as my gay husband is literally packing a box for his move out....

 

Co-dependency is a bitch! It's another tie that keeps me here. Funny...if the Mindfuck hadn't happened our lives just would've carried on being perfect, with no thought of....did you know Anon that in the Thesaurus one of the synonyms for codependency is addiction? Omfg...lol

Please please please let us know what your first thoughts are the day he leaves for good and you're there by yourself. I wish I was there face to face and this hug wasn't virtual

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

September 21, 2022 3:05 pm  #13


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

 

I love your words OoHC. And I hope the balance tips for me sooner rather than later because yeah... "No one gets out of or stays in these relationships without pain."

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

September 21, 2022 3:33 pm  #14


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

Hahahaha....here's a good laugh (not really)

I finally send an email to the lawyer I originally saw about my Will and my relationship to touch base about where/when/what steps I take etc etc....and I get an automated reply telling me she no longer works there
(it's been a couple or 3 years)
and another lawyer will reply. And it's a man! which turns me cold lol
 I'm so glad I didn't pour too much of myself onto the page

Deep breaths!
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

September 21, 2022 4:02 pm  #15


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

Elle,
I can babble about my take on lawyers...

There are some posts on the forum on choosing a lawyer for sure.  I would say choose one that seems extremely familiar with divorce laws in your area...usually that means they specialize in it compared to real estate or something.  Then choose one you are comfortable with..if a man makes you uncomfortable then that is ok.     One other criteria
I used is how much time did they give me for the free consultation..I recall one (lady) was cold and dismissive..discounting my fears and questions like they were some volume shop and could care less about me.  The one I chose was empathetic and spent time answering anything..ie would I see my kids again, how do I pay you, why is my wife gay( no didn't have an answer for that one).

My situation was always one of fear...I still fear her to this day..but my lawyer did not.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 21, 2022 6:28 pm  #16


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

My comments in red
Hi Elle. I hope you are feeling better than you were earlier. I hope I’m responding right with this quote and respond thing lol.

Nauseous and devastated wrote:

It’s so confusing. So much of what you wrote is what’s going through my head everyday. We still sleep in the same bed. He’s kind and thoughtful and the day to day life is “normal” and maybe even a little bit better since he’s more open in our conversations. NaD....I'm interested in that your conversations with your husband have been open. I'd love that! I think it must be that while yours has admitted to you that he is gay my partner doesn't see himself as gay and thinks that to call himself bisexual takes away the stigma. 
I have asked a ton of questions as I try to figure this out and he answers them although sometimes I really think his answers are what he either hopes will be or that he has convinced himself was true. I always thought he was really good at understanding others’ perspectives but I have come to the conclusion that he really doesn’t. Prior to telling me he was extremely distant and it had gotten much worse over the past couple of years. He says he was always afraid of and paranoid about me finding out he is gay that he kept everyone at a distance.

Our financial situation makes the prospect of divorce even more frightening for me than it would be if money wasn’t a concern. I don’t want my kids’ happy lives to be turned upside down and their psyches to be harmed by this. The fact you have children is one of the things that will keep you there longer. I can't remember how old your children are (mine were adults when I told them) but when you're a kid *happy* is relative to how safe you feel with the parents who care for you and I think as long as communication between you all is good children should be a part of what is happening.  
Our kids are getting older, ranging in age from 16-22. Each is at significant points in their life where I cannot fathom adding the stress and devastation of this situation to their existence. Additionally, my husband works at the school my children went and my youngest still attends. My husband is a school administrator (head of athletics) and is very well known and respected (and yes it turns my stomach now when kids and others rave about him). I cannot risk my son having to navigate his last two years of high school should this reality become widely known. One of my daughters just started college and another is going to study abroad in January. I cannot send her off to Europe to deal with this.

Finding the items you found must have been a gut punch - almost like a concrete reminder of what the realities are. Actually NaD no, not a gut-punch....it was almost like I expected to find it. There was no knife to the heart/intake of breath. Just "ah.....yes" and no emotion. Question; are you still having sex with your husband?. 
Long story short he had become so obsessed with the gym and his body over the last several years that he essentially was living a separate existence from me and the kids. I found it extremely unattractive, selfish and infuriating so I actually stopped having any sort of intimate relations with him a while back. Turns out all of that was related to his secret. He swears he has never cheated on me and has no desire to pursue any relationship outside of ours. That’s been really hard for me to understand.

Sometimes I just to pretend none of this happened but it comes crashing back into my head and I get even more confused. While I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this and that we are in a situation where we need this support, I am grateful that you posted your words and for the replies and words of support from those who responded. I hope it gave you some relief to get them out and I hope you found some reassurance in the replies you received. Your and their words have helped me a great deal this morning. I crossed the can-I-pretend-this-isn't-happening! a long time ago. It'll be a relief when you cross it too Have you been to a lawyer? and are you seeing a counsellor? Don't allow your husband to tell you who you should talk to! Of course he's kind and sorry for what he's done. But you have the right to talk to anybody you wish to about your own life. When I first saw a lawyer I talked about my partner wanting to see "other people". I was scared too and referring to it like that was like dipping my toe in the water of getting used to talking about my situation. Once again Don't let your husband think he can tell you who you can talk to. This is your life.

I had an appointment with a lawyer but I cancelled it for now mainly because I couldn’t afford the $350 fee he was charging. He is a friend of one of my best friends and I trust her completely. I also don’t think I had even started to process any of it at that time. My husband set us up with a counselor. So far we have had one joint session and each has had an individual session. If I’m honest, I probably need to find someone else. But I haven’t taken that step yet.
I did talk to a couple people but I feel like I really need to talk to my parents and siblings and get their help in figuring this out. I told him he had to be the one to tell my parents since he asked my dad for my hand in marriage knowing that he was deceiving and using me and continued to do so for 23 years. He apparently revisited this decision several times over the years and so, in my view, consciously and knowingly continued the deception and manipulation. That is a bit of a gut punch for me.

I'm 5 years past when I probably should have left but I no longer fool myself my life will ever be the same again.   

Elle
 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your tough days. Again, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. And sorry my replies changed to red halfway through. I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

 

September 21, 2022 6:42 pm  #17


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

Maybe you will do this one day. I never thought I would, but I did. Fear of him  (& extra money to pay an attorney) pushed me more than courage.

I could be wrong, but he sounds passive aggressive. He must have known you'd see that thing while cleaning.  Ewwww.

There's always the possibility he would find a male partner to live with. Would thinking that push you to see a lawyer to get information only?  Sometimes knowing what rights and obligations you have helps you make a good decision for your circumstances  (whether staying or going).  You can breathe easier about the situation. I know how stressful it is to be on pins and needles.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 21, 2022 7:39 pm  #18


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

Nauseous and devastated wrote:

.......sorry my replies changed to red halfway through. I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

 

Re the format....no worries. I was a bit of a messy newbie when I joined the Forum too.
NaD....you sound like a lot of us. Puzzled, confused, sad....often a little angry but initially not wanting to upset the lives of your children's and family life. My oldest son (to my first husband) who suffers depression & anxiety & is a functioning alcoholic lives with us and has been on the knife-edge of suicide. We've provided him with a safe haven. Our youngest son is having problems of his own, and my grandson is transitioning. If I didn't have the backing of my partner I couldn't fly off or be present for my loved ones as easily as I can now. It's a sucky tradeoff but one I'm prepared to make because that's where things stand at the moment. But nothing stays the same....
....as you become stronger (and you will NaD), become more aware of your options and begin to see a way forward your world...even if it doesn't change dramatically....will calm down, you'll be able to breathe and begin to make decisions.
Checking in with your parents and siblings....great idea! Don't demand your husband tell your father. This is your news, you tell him first. 

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

September 21, 2022 8:05 pm  #19


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

MJM017 wrote:

...... He must have known you'd see that thing while cleaning. Ewwww........

Hey MjM

Y'know I don't care if he didn't hide it better/forgot it was actually there/wasn't worried I'd see it. The day it finally got through to me that his choices are his and were nothing to do with me was (one of) the best days of the Mindfuck. The distance between who I was then and who I am now is only visible if you're me lol

Never say never but...but I think he'd always need a woman to keep up the pretense. Can't see him being honest about who he is with others. Meh.

No pins and needles. Actually sometimes I think I've built the wall too high and I'll never let myself feel again
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

September 21, 2022 8:16 pm  #20


Re: I just can't do it. Why can't I do it?

Elle, I have a suggestion to make.

Fight For Your Bed!!!  

This is not just about sharing his bed and proximity to his bag of dildos, it's the all of it.  If you have doubled down on emotional detachment, then he is doubling down on rubbing your nose in it.  Have you heard the term 'lebensraum'?  it is something we all need.  Literal translation is room to live.

Be it ever so humble there's no place like home.  we all need a pied a terre - a foot on the earth.

I well remember the improvement it was when I moved out of the nice big upstairs bedroom into the little downstairs spare room, it was damp and dingy with a dip in the ceiling where the possums lived, it was a haven, it was my own bed.  

I was the one who earned the money we used to build that nice big sunny upstairs bedroom.  But there was no chance of making him leave it.  It wasn't even a question.  Looking back I see how wrong that was.  

Bottom line - don't give up on your foothold on the earth, if you can't fit a mattress under the kitchen table make a wall of pillows to carve out your own space in the marital bed.  Come to think of it that was the first thing I did, set up my own separate bed in the bedroom.

I remember when I was growing up how so many couples would end up with twin beds in their bedroom and I always thought it was sad and must be for physical health reasons, now I know it is mental health reasons.

 

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