Bertuccio,

Yep...  I look back and while I missed the SSA I can see the narcissism.. it was a subtle and gradual but if I look back.. always there from day one....though my GX was kinder toward every one in the beginning.    I asked mutual friends from college if they noticed the SSA ...no they did not but they noticed the narcissism,,    Why didnt you tell me I asked..  they said would  I have listened?     No I was in love back then and friends dont interfere with that... wish they had I guess..     But even they missed the SSA so there is beating myself up there... just a secret hidden from everyone.

I think in any normal marriage there is a certain amount of co-dependence and thats ok ... but these spouses took that co-dependence we had and abused  and manipulated it.     All I can say I gave true absolute fierce love..  my GX gave ? ...  shallow? not absolute? ,change with the weather love?    And its a scary thing I want no part of now that I see it.       I urge everyone not to beat themselves up and see it not as a flaw or fault in ourselves the love we gave but as a quality and strength..     These spouses, through their actions,  have forfeited all rights and privileges to our fierce loyal love...
 

Deceivedandsad wrote:

Lately- I feel like I am losing my mind at everything. Even little things.

I know that I don’t have the right to PTSD- but that’s what it feels like.

This is where I'm at with things too, 14 months into this journey. I have been thinking about the emotions I feel when I interact with my ex - fear, depression, and above all anger - in terms of grief. The frozen pit of the stomach feeling when I pass a lesbian couple or a gay pride flag. But in the last week I've realized that it fits the description of trauma much more. But when I read about trauma victims it's always veterans, accident survivors, or abused spouses or children. That isn't my experience at all. I was never physically at risk, it was all emotional. I feel very unworthy of the PTSD label, even though the emotional symptoms are similar to those who suffer PTSD. I have begun exploring the idea of trauma-focused therapies, like EMDR, because I don't feel like the other therapeutic approaches I've tried are having an impact. 

Except for a few months right after she came out to me, when she openly had started a relationship with a friend while we were living together, my ex has been very kind and mindful of my experience. But those terrible months after she first came out when she was in the relationship, that is seared in my mind. I go back to it again and again and feel it in my body. And it comes back every time I think of her starting a new relationship, or think about how quickly she seems to have moved on while I'm still stuck in the past. I feel like not only has she stolen my past but she's stealing my present and future now, and I'm letting her as long as I can't find a way to tackle the trauma and move past it. 

Last edited by PageTurner (October 5, 2022 8:10 am)

"He doesn't beat on me,
He doesn't cheat on me,
but he doesn't love me."

This was my mantra for years, until I finally learned why he didn't love me.