Of course you "have the right to PTSD."  You have lived for over a decade with a man who acts abusively towards you.  

Domestic abuse is not just physical abuse. Controlling behavior is abuse; manipulation is controlling behavior. Emotional abuse is abuse. The kind of manipulation we are subject to, often over years or decades, can be subtle (the "frog in boiling water" metaphor applies), and we learn to self-censor or to self-limit or behavior or expectations.  We begin to doubt ourselves, to make excuses for our souses, to blame ourselves.  It can be very difficult for us to admit we were abused, because victim blaming is a very common response to what happened to us.  The concept of "co-dependency," for example, is at base a way to blame the victim for the behavior of others.

  Your spouse's "I didn't cheat on you" is nothing but a manipulative technique called "minimization," and it's a controlling behavior straight out of the DARVO playbook (DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim offender). 

Cheating, too, does not have to be physical.  An emotional affair, for example, is still cheating.  Withdrawing or withholding affection, investing one's sexual energy and attention elsewhere, redirecting it from one's spouse, whether to another person or to clandestine pursuits like porn, is a violation of one's marital bonds.  Hiding one's homosexuality from one's heterosexual spouse is also such a violation.  (Please see Omar Minwalla's "The Secret Sexual Basement.")



 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Domestic abuse is not just physical abuse. Controlling behavior is abuse; manipulation is controlling behavior. Emotional abuse is abuse. The kind of manipulation we are subject to, often over years or decades, can be subtle (the "frog in boiling water" metaphor applies), and we learn to self-censor or to self-limit or behavior or expectations.  We begin to doubt ourselves, to make excuses for our souses, to blame ourselves.  It can be very difficult for us to admit we were abused, because victim blaming is a very common response to what happened to us.  The concept of "co-dependency," for example, is at base a way to blame the victim for the behavior of others.

  Your spouse's "I didn't cheat on you" is nothing but a manipulative technique called "minimization," and it's a controlling behavior straight out of the DARVO playbook (DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim offender). 

Cheating, too, does not have to be physical.  An emotional affair, for example, is still cheating.  Withdrawing or withholding affection, investing one's sexual energy and attention elsewhere, redirecting it from one's spouse, whether to another person or to clandestine pursuits like porn, is a violation of one's marital bonds.  Hiding one's homosexuality from one's heterosexual spouse is also such a violation.  (Please see Omar Minwalla's "The Secret Sexual Basement.")



 

Could you explain the topic of codependency?
Because LW recently came with the whole topic of codependency

Rob wrote:

.."Coming to terms with the idea that I lived in an abusive relationship. No, he never laid a hand on me...."


Yes it hit me like a ton of bricks..much like discovering my GXs cheating..   my psychiatrist..aka my pill lady.. not to be confused with a therapist ..looked at me and said you are abused.
And then in my lawyers office there was a phamplet for domestic abuse victims..and reading off the check list..  no she didn't hit me but I could check off a good 80-90% of the abusive behaviors toward me...like OMG..

Years out now I'm in a relationship where not one of these abusive behaviors exist..I thank God everyday for getting me out.

I myself am struggling to come to terms with myself on this. The signs of SSA ok, I understand I missed them. But the psychological abuse was there from the very beginning and rather than stepping out the relationship, I doubled down on it... 🤦🏻‍♂️

Last edited by Bertuccio (September 18, 2022 10:34 am)