LostAtSea wrote:

Life is just hard today. It’s been almost 2 years and I feel overwhelmed. How did I get here?

Lately my mental health has been struggling. I have moments of PTSD from all the good and bad memories. Can any really be good if it was lies?

Today I just want to cry.....

 

You need a friend to talk to. And it doesn't matter if they're aware of your situation or not....often talking to anybody ,about anything enables us to pull ourselves out of the sadness that is, let's be real....comfortable to sit in sometimes and just be down. Exercise, a walk with headphones on so you have to listen to somebody else' voice, NOT the one in your head, housework too! Getting out amongst people?

I have memories still. When out of the blue, for no apparent reason... an event or happening in our long r'ship will come to me, and where it used to trouble me for hours/days sometimes it no longer does. I think because I've accepted that the choices my partner made were for him, not us and I've been able to separate the emotion I really really don't have to feel anymore from the more important stuff going on in my life. 

I no longer assign my memories as good or bad....they're just memories. I suppose you could say I look at them almost as a strangers memories. I can't change them, if I didn't instigate (as in all the tragic, sad, dishonest stuff our  husbands/partners did) then they're not really mine....and the best thing I can do is see them from a distance 

I wish I could hug you tight Lost. Small steps. How about a change of profile name?

Elle
 

I too, often sit and wonder "how did I get here?"

I am about 2.5 years into this and now heading down the divorce train. I didn't see it coming. And now with everything that has come out in the past 2 months (since the "I want a divorce" talk)....I find myself frequently wondering if the last 18 years of my life was a lie.

I also struggle with feeling incredibly naïve, stupid and gullible. I am trying to be kind to myself, but it is very difficult. I feel like a moron. Like, seriously, how did I not see this coming? 

I cry a lot. I was never a big crier. Since this happened, I swear I'm one giant water works. I feel like an emotional roller coaster. And some days are very, very bad. Other days I pull it together and keep on trucking.

Just know, you're not alone. And it's ok to have bad days, cry, be depressed, and feel all the emotions. My therapist even told me that it's a good and healthy thing to "embrace the bad". Because its a part of the grieving process. And if you don't let yourself feel and experience all the emotions, you get stuck.

So, grieve. And when you're ready, pick yourself up and go do something just for you. Virtual hugs from here too. We're all experiencing different levels of pain and suffering in this, so keep leaning on the group for support.

I ask that same question often.  It must be something in the air as I have also had a tough day.  I don’t really remember feeling myself now for quite a while.  It’s been 2 years. I’m not sure I can keep doing this. It’s hard. My husband thinks he can be a man when he wants and a woman when he wants. Sadly, I am not attracted to women.  Nice group - I happen to be one (a woman that is).  I just keep wondering when I will wake up.

Thank you all! This group has been a great life line for me.

I have to remember this deceit and the ambush is a BLESSING! A blessing from God to free me from a horrible person who portrayed to be a loving partner. To free myself from the lies and betrayal. And honestly had it not been revealed to me in the manner it happened, had I not found out the all the things I did....I honestly don’t know if I would have the courage and love for myself to walk way.

This is a total mindfuck and some days get to me. I do try to talk to people, but  only those who are in this position understand. Anyone who tells me to “move on” or “let go” doesn’t know the devastation and impact it had and still has on my life.

I don’t know about anyone else, but forgiveness is NOT something I will EVER  have for the person who lied, betrayed and tossed me out like yesterday’s trash.

I will however forgive myself for allowing a person to fool me all these years. I’m giving myself grace and love because as many of you... I had NO IDEA. So I can’t blame myself for someone’s twisted game and ways to hide themselves. All the closeted spouses don’t have it in their moral beings to understand the impact this has on someone’s life. They are broken and we are NOT.

I will try to keep myself busy with things I like to do and find myself again surrounded by loving people.

I know this will take time. I don’t want to waste anymore of it stuck in this cycle.

Hopefully the clouds will part soon and I can see the sun and breathe again.

Last edited by LostAtSea (September 18, 2022 2:36 am)

Why do I keep coming back to this space?!

I’m so frustrated with myself. I can’t focus or sleep.

I feel like I’m in a slump again and can’t pull myself out.

I HATE it! I HATE what he has done to me.