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September 8, 2022 4:02 pm  #1

A positive story. (bi wife- LONG read)

Hey all, sorry for the length in advance!

I've stumbled onto this forum in my exhaustive search to learn more about this unexpected life.  In so many ways my story is much less jarring and traumatic than many of yours, but I also thought it would be good to share a positive experience.

My wife and I have been together for 23 years, married for 11.  She's my favorite person, my best friend, we share a very similar sense of humor, and she is the most emotionally intelligent, deeply caring person I've ever known.  We've been through a lot of life together, and she's always been by my side.  We have two young kids, which has been a great challenge for me, but she has weathered all of the emotional difficulties I've had with fatherhood with grace and strength.  

Aside from all of the superlatives, our romantic situation has always been great.  I genuinely mean that.  There have been ebbs and flows here and there (mostly earlier on when we were younger, honestly) but without getting into too much info, I've always been more than fulfilled by her and I know she feels the same.

Which is why a few months ago I was thrown for a loop when she (seemingly out of nowhere) told me she was bisexual.  My response was to be supportive, but also a little nervous.  She mentioned over and over that she is a very committed, very monogamous person to the core.  She's only had very slight interactions with other women, all a very long time ago before we were together.  She's exceptionally happy with our relationship, but she had been going through some periods of depression and in unwrapping her feelings, she realized that a component of her depression was suppressing herself.  We had a great discussion, and the next day when we had time to talk I asked how she personally identified- she said "Queer." with zero hesitation.  

As I've tried to get a handle on things, and we've unpacked more and more and shared more and more about ourselves, I've learned that my wife has often had physical attraction to other women and nonbinary folks.  Sometimes expressed, often not.  I identify as cis-het and very much look it, but I've always had a counter culture streak in me, and I'm definitely attracted to women who have similar tendencies, but are also obviously feminine, which my wife is.  However, her insistence on her queer identity initially confused me.  What I've come to find out is that her self repression of her queerness has deeply depressed her.  She has always been the way she was, but she would never give herself permission to speak/act/look queer because that's not what "straight" women do.  She certainly has vacillated in our time between looking ultra feminine to looking more androgynous and back, and we're finding that she unintentionally follows a lot of bi/queer stereotypes (which has been great for some unintentional comedy).  She said that some of the repression was due to confusion- she was always boy crazy, but she also had very strong feelings/fantasies/crushes regarding women as well.  She knew she wasn't gay, but didn't know that you could like all genders- she just thought she was confused and hyper sexual.  It was easier to date guys, and she had had bad experiences with most of them (them telling her how she should act/look, etc) until me.  I was the opposite of my predecessors. Through the years, I saw how happy she was when she would do things like get crazy haircuts, or wear alternating sexy or androgynous clothing, and it made me happy to see her shine.  I guess that was the beginning of her feeling safe being herself.   She had also made out with women before me, and I knew this and she talked openly and fondly of it, but thought of it as more of a youthful phase than a viable sexuality.

I told her that her expression is great, and that I love her, and I'm happy for her to be authentic to herself whatever the changes may be.  In turn, she's been outwardly happier.  She often describes her emotional state as if rainbows are shooting out of her chest.  With regards to her outward appearance, she's sorta been pedal to the metal with it, and I'm definitely enjoying the newness and her joy.  We match a little less in terms of what we look like, but we've found the things that she likes are also things that I like.  Win/win.

The real interesting part is that all this communication has absolutely ramped up our intimacy.  She's more forthright and honest about what she likes.  I've been the same.  Due to this, our romantic interludes have never been more open, honest, explorative, and enjoyable.  For the record, we're still absolutely monogamous and have no intention on changing that (though I did tell her that if she felt unfulfilled, we could figure it out and she shut that down really quickly much to my relief- I am and always have been a very romantically/emotionally attached guy and the thought of her sharing anything similar to our mental connection with another person terrified me).  Additionally we've found that we independently share many fantasies, and we're talking openly and honestly about all of it.  

In so many ways, I feel like the person I love is becoming MORE of the person I have always loved.  The glimpses I've seen of her at her happiest throughout our years is here 24/7 now.  I've definitely had to process and unpack a lot of my own feelings and insecurities in some instances, but she's been right there with me assuring me both verbally and physically.  We've never been closer, and I think that makes sense- if you show yourself to someone, and they accept and love you (and it's clear that you're still compatible), what else could happen?

Moving forward, I find myself so excited about our future.  As I've said, we have no intention of being anything other than monogamous, but we're steadily incorporating more of her ideas/identity into our daily life/environment.  She's actively been more "out" for lack of a better word.  She and I talk regularly about what we're feeling/what excites us.  I love learning about her taste in women and some of the overlap we have.  I love seeing her bloom.  I never expected to be in a queer relationship, but seeing the change in personality being open has afforded my wife, I genuinely can't think of another situation that would make either of us happier.  For much of our relationship, she has often demurred and I always pushed for her to be an active partner.  I feel like she's absolutely that now, and neither of us ever wants to go back to the time when she was straight passing.  This is better.


Last edited by Nimble (September 8, 2022 4:05 pm)


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