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September 7, 2022 9:01 am  #1

My story - searching for path forward


In need of advice/support.

Together 24 years, married 21.  Straight wife, bisexual husband.

Husband recently identified as bisexual after a few incidences throughout our marriage. I should say up front that he has never been with a man. He states that it is just sexual, recreation, fantasy, no big deal. But as I have read here and other places, men use “word salads” to make what they are asking for seem less serious or less of a thing. He isn’t a hookup kind of guy. I would expect him to have some emotions at least, or connection, although his fantasy is a spontaneous hookup. At times, I feel his ideas are very immature and not thought out and that if left to him, will never happen.

Here is the back story.

Soon after we married, I logged onto our computer and found that my husband was viewing web pages of different men’s underwear companies. We talked about this and he told me he sometimes likes to look at men. Didn’t seem like a big deal and I chalked it up to him being curious. He said it was a turn on.

Over the next 6-7 years pre-kids,  very active sex life that included me exploring the bi-curious part of him. I liked it to, although sometimes I felt like he wasn’t really with me. 

We had two children and over time I stopped the role playing, etc. Life got busy and we became less active and post body after 2 kids, I was less comfortable.

For the next several years, less than typical intimacy, with some long droughts sexually. He never expressed frustration, may have initiated at times, but basically was okay with less. Should note that he almost died from an autoimmune disease that also affected his testosterone levels during this time. And we were raising kids.

Anyways, about  5 years ago, friends stayed with us from out of town and our kids were with the grandparents. We had been drinking and it was late and I was talking to a bisexual male friend about  hooking up with men. My husband had already gone to bed, but heard the conversation. When I went to bed a while later, he rushed me in the hallway and asked me if I wanted to ask my friend to join us sexually. I said no.

The next day my friend left early afternoon and I got the kids home. When my husband got home from work, I said that my friend was upstairs waiting for him. My husband looked at me and rushed up the stairs, to find NO ONE and realized I had tricked him. I did test him. Shitty to do, but I needed to know. That was awkward.

But it let me know that he would have had sex with my friend. And with the kids home. In the weeks later and even now he said he misunderstood and thought I was setting this up for him. Whoa.

This created immediate issues. As a result, we started  marriage counseling with a therapist that specializes in LBGTQ+. After a few months of counseling we landed at - he thinks about it sometimes, and would like to try it,  but not a focus and not important whether or not it ever happens. Things settled down. We have continued counseling and have been working in our marriage. Sex has gradually picked up, but could be better. I feel he is a selfish partner and that I do much more than he does. He would be crushed to know I said that because I do think he tries. BUT, maybe it doesn’t come easy for him because maybe he likes dick better. I think so even though he hasn’t been with a man.

Fast forward to 10 weeks ago during sex on vacation. He asked if I would want to have a 3-some with a man. After an awkward laugh, I said no and that if he wanted to be with a man, he would have to do it on his own.

The next morning when I seemed a little off, he asked if I was okay and I said I was processing what happened the night before. I also said that what I said was not permission.

He was a little defensive and said that he should not have asked and won’t ask again. He said once I said no, it was done, he thought it would be fun, and that it’s not a big  deal, but that he may ask again in the future, because maybe then I would change my mind.  In therapy last week he said he felt embarrassed and guilty for asking and tried to back pedal.

He says that we made the decision together to not have a 3-some, that my response of no was perfectly acceptable and that it seemed too complicated.

This has set up weeks of me processing, multiple therapy sessions, our counselor recommending that he take some time to figure out what is happening for him, who he is, what he is asking for.

He has now identified as bisexual, which is a change. To me this changed the way I thought about everything. He also talked about sharing this news with his cousin. He wants someone to know who he really is besides me. That is great. I support him and his identity, but it also started to feel more threatening. He says I have always known this and he is the same person.

This had led to hours and hours of discussions, but now we have decided that we will stop our marriage counseling so that he can see our therapist individually for some sessions because at this point, he isn’t saying much and I want him to figure out what is happening for him. I don’t want to just have him stuff this down for another 5 years. I want him to figure out who he is, what he wants. Is monogamy realistic for him?

So while he is thinking inward, I have had a difficult time. Good days where it feels okay, days when I want to talk about it and our conversations go sideways. But he is always, I am here for you, love you, committed to the marriage, marriage is priority. Says this over and over. But also says he doesn’t understand why I am so upset, that it’s not a big deal. So feels patronizing sometimes.

We have both been reading a lot. He does mindfulness exercises and has been spending a lot of time exploring his feelings. He is stuck on this notion of right and wrong and insists he has done nothing wrong. I agree. But also feel that he isn’t fully understanding my fears and pains, or being completely honest with himself.  I have read on this forum how men can compartmentalize and want to keep the marriage because - well he has had the benefit of living a heteronormative life for 24 years.

Looking for support. I want to stay married I think, but now starting to wonder if I will really be able to live like this. Always wondering what’s next. Always anxious and worrying if he is really satisfied and happy. I should be asking myself if I am satisfied and happy. I am going to start individual therapy soon.

As I type that I have started thinking, am I happy? Can I live this way with a partner that wants something else. Will never be satisfied with our life. I love my husband, he is truly wonderful and we have a great life. But I don’t want to live a fake life. I don’t want to be with a partner that is unhappy and craving something else. I am sure about monogamy. I can’t live any other way. I have tried to problem solve this and no other options check the boxes.

Is it possible for us to live this way? Can he truly be happy with me without sleeping with men? Seems the urges get stronger over time? Is my story the way others begin, although it’s been 24 freaking years!

Whenever I ask about the specifics he says his urges have remained the same always, but won’t say what they are. He says he thinks about having sex with men about once a week. Is this realistic?

So individual counseling will be good for him. I am hoping he will come to terms with his identity, deal with his shame and that our therapist can help him communicate what he needs. In the meantime I am in limbo, waiting for the next steps. He said he didn’t want there to be any secrets, that he would talk to me as his sessions are going.

Feels like I am being strung along until he has the guts to say what needs to be said. But he insists, trust me, I am here, I want to be with you, I love you. And he is affectionate, really trying to connect, initiating sex. Life is good, except i am miserable. This is on my mind constantly. I have lost 30 lbs. from exercise and eating better too, but stress is also contributing. Feels like our marriage is super strong, but fragile at the same time.

He is a very thoughtful, private and in control person. Mediates and does sacred geometry every morning, exercises regularly. Is not impulsive and can control himself. All good things in this situation. I don’t feel like I need to worry. He has never given me a reason to not trust him. Yet, I feel like I can’t trust him.

This is a total mind fuck.

Any opinions? And how long does this process take? I am asking for total commitment and monogamy. He seems to say that works, but there’s always a…. BUT maybe I will ask again the future.

And that makes me angry too. I make most of our decisions, handle the house, etc. I am the manager. And I feel like he has put this on me to. Asking for a 3-some, which is really asking for permission to cheat. And like others have said, this idea of sleeping with a man is not cheating, isn’t comfortable if I wanted to open my side of the relationship bc I would just being “doing it” bc he is. These are the types of things he says that I am like what? WTF?

I want him to be a man, ask for what you want. You make the decision of whether you want to stay married or sleep with men. It’s YOUR decision. And someone else said, they will never leave. They will wait for you to make the decision. I feel that to be true in my case as well.

Is it time to start contacting lawyers? Can we maintain monogamy? With what I have said, is this familiar? What’s your gut? My gut is telling me that this will never go away and that it will be in the back of my mind always making me anxious and unsettled in my marriage. For those that have made it work, how do you do it? Does it get easier?

If he was more communicative and could really share with me where he is, maybe counseling will help, then maybe. He says he is not hiding anything, I just don’t think he knows exactly what this is for him yet. And he continues to say that he doesn’t think it will change for him.

I know he doesn’t want to live a bi or gay lifestyle. He just wants dick also, maybe twice a year. And just playing or sucking. No anal, although he asked me to f$&k him during our last play session. And I did. Jesus, the things we do. Said he wants me to continue trying to satisfy this part for him, if it’s fun.

Last edited by Pinky (September 7, 2022 10:44 am)


September 7, 2022 6:49 pm  #2

Re: My story - searching for path forward

Pinky welcome to our Forum

I have to say there's so much content in your story it's difficult to know where to start. I'm not in the right space to reply properly at the moment but wanted to say hi and that you're in the best place to confront this. It's a cruel & confusing time losing the essence of the life you thought you had especially when you realise it's been happening slowly over time, without your knowledge because we can't be in their heads and know their every thought.

I'll be back I'm a straight 64 yo woman with a bisexual male partner


KIA KAHA                       

September 7, 2022 9:15 pm  #3

Re: My story - searching for path forward

Thank you Elle. It is a lot of information and sorry for that. I have read and enjoyed many of your posts. Appreciate all of the support you give here.

     Thread Starter

September 8, 2022 3:14 am  #4

Re: My story - searching for path forward

Pinky wrote:

.... It is a lot of information and sorry for that.....

Oh my! don't be sorry. Good to get it all down.
My partner started out by wanting us to invite others into our sex life and at first I was all for it. Very satisfying sex life, very adventurous, but in the end I felt small, undervalued and sad.
My partner didn't seem to fully realize what it was doing to me and would fly off the handle and diminish my emotions.
We're past all that now. Still together but no intimacy between us. Quite happy to be living together as mates almost, which is a bit strange but the world has changed. There's not the opportunities to have the kind of life I have now... If I was single. So instead of separating and losing all the benefits of a life together I just may "bite the bullet" and stick with what I know. I'll always be resentful, so will he but like I said awhile ago...for me it's about survival. And I'm not interested in letting another man into my space either.

Pinky... Do you trust your husband?


Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 8, 2022 2:28 pm)

KIA KAHA                       

September 8, 2022 6:32 am  #5

Re: My story - searching for path forward

Ellle, I am shocked at what you did but I am not here to judge you. You do what is best for you. It is none of my business. I had no idea that my ex was gay until a year before I finally broke up with him. He never suggested other partners. I would never ever had agreed to that. I hope you find happiness in your life.I am older than you but still shocked at some things other people do.


September 8, 2022 7:32 am  #6

Re: My story - searching for path forward

Thank you for your reply Elle. Heartbroken for you that things didn’t work out as you wanted. Giving more of yourself than should have been necessary with the end result being sadness and loss of intimacy.

I will never open my marriage for many reasons, but ultimately, it’s not who I am, what I want and honestly, I couldn’t handle it.

To your question, I have always trusted my husband. He has never done anything to make me not trust him. He’s solid. But with all of this happening, it has rocked our foundation and it has made me distrustful. Trying to get the trust back. He told me about a week ago that I had to trust him. He’s committed, focused on the marriage, wants to be with me. It’s just hard to hear when I know he also has other things on his mind and because he’s been pretty much closeted his whole life, I worry about where this could possibly lead. And if he even knows. Hoping the individual therapy at least helps him be comfortable in his own skin and to fully integrate all of his parts into one. I don’t think he’s going to throw away the life we built to have sex with a man - but there are no guarantees. That’s why I wanted some input from the group. Will this continue to be something he struggles with and does it increase over time? He seems determined to not act on it, but I wonder if he is even able to be honest with himself. I think he is currently trying to answer these questions for himself. He is being as honest as he can be. The individual therapy feels beneficial, but also like a threat.

     Thread Starter

September 8, 2022 1:47 pm  #7

Re: My story - searching for path forward

Hi Pinky,

Well done for getting that all written out, you are doing what you need to do - working out where you stand.

You ask if your description of him fits into a recognisable pattern and yes it does.  If I equate your story with the stories I have read here over the last 8 years I would have to guess that 

A your gut instinct not to trust is spot on

B if you want to stay with him you will need to turn a blind eye to his non-monogamy because

C he has probably been acting on it all the while and

D his counsellor will eventually fail to get him out of the closet.  

ie from what you have written it sounds to me like what he really wants is to stay married to you and keep his gay lifestyle on the side and currently he is dabbling with the idea of coming clean.

Hope that helps.  All the best, Lily


September 8, 2022 3:02 pm  #8

Re: My story - searching for path forward

Pinky wrote:

...To your question, I have always trusted my husband. He has never done anything to make me not trust him. He’s solid. But with all of this happening, it has rocked our foundation and it has made me distrustful.
..... I worry about where this could possibly lead.....I don’t think he’s going to throw away the life we built to have sex with a man - but there are no guarantees.......

No there are no guarantees. My own experience was that I gave us.....no  let me be honest....I gave my partner 3yrs to show me he could show me he put us ahead of his sexual needs. All those years he gave me no indication he would. So I took some legal steps, changed my will, he had already suggested we have separate bank accounts so I was glad of that and for the next 2 years I still stupidly thought things would get better. They didn't. So at the beginning of 2020 I told him I no longer wanted to be intimate. But more... I told him why. The was no "what! but why!?" He seemed to take it in his stride and accept it which is his temperament all over. He is there for me but I don't trust him to be there... If that makes sense
Because it was 2020 and the beginning of Covid I would have been unwise to throw myself into seperation and all it entails and then the world changed, there are people in New Zealand who need somewhere to live more than I do plus I'm sure I'll never be as comfortable.

This is survival Pinky...I no longer angst over what he might do because he's so closed up he'd never tell me anyway.


Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (September 8, 2022 3:05 pm)

KIA KAHA                       

September 8, 2022 6:04 pm  #9

Re: My story - searching for path forward


Appreciate your comments, but this doesn’t describe my husband luckily. I guess I was looking for information going forward. I am fairly certain I have the facts as they are now, just wondering how feasible our future together is.

Would love to hear from women who have successfully had a monogamous MOM, whose bi/gay husbands chose the marriage over their desires. Is this realistic for me to ask for?


     Thread Starter

September 8, 2022 7:04 pm  #10

Re: My story - searching for path forward

My gay husband and I did. For 2.5 years.  He told me he was bi. I thought things were going well. Had no clue it was even an issue. I loved him with all I had. Supported him. Accepted that he was bi. On and on. Then he literally sat beside on the couch one day and said "I'm gay, I want a divorce".  

I offered every option under the book (poly, open, a pass). He said no, only divorce. He decided that he had 0 attraction to women and told me that he would never be able to be attracted to me ever again. Nice ego hit there. Together/married 18 years. Literally half my life. Now he wants to go have sex with a man.


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